Are you shy?
I don’t mean scared at parties. I mean, do you have difficulty letting your husband know what feels good in bed?
Even saying that probably made some of you blush! After all, sex isn’t really something we talk about very much. And it’s kind of embarrassing to actually tell someone–even if it’s your husband–what you’re feeling in that department. It feels somehow, well, wrong.
But it’s not!
It’s just part of being intimate.
We talk a lot about the mutuality of sex here on the blog–often we, as women, grow up hearing messages that make us think that sex is all for him, or just about physical release. But what if God meant it to be more than that? What if God’s design for sex has less to do with release, and more to do with deep knowing of each other–what if it’s about intimacy?
Sometimes being intimate is something you have to grow into. It’s not something you all of a sudden learn as soon as you get married. We grow up knowing that sex is not talked about in polite conversation; we grow up assuming that good girls don’t talk about it; and if we don’t talk about it, we don’t FEEL it. We don’t have those feelings at all.
But we do! Even if it’s hard to tell him.
So take a deep breath with me, because I’m going to ask you to do something scary. I’m going to ask you to actually speak up.
That can be hard to do, because you may not actually know what you like. Many women don’t. And here’s part of the problem: when we get married, we don’t actually know how to touch each other well. Men tend to like touch to be rougher; women tend to like it lighter. So when he touches you, chances are he’s too rough. When you touch him, you may be too light.
What that means for you, though, is that he may touch you, and you may think, “Oh, that doesn’t feel good. I guess I don’t like that.” But maybe you do. He may just not know how to touch you, and you may not know how to show him.
Then you get in this habit where he’s impatient to “get on with it”, and you figure you may as well, because other things aren’t feeling good anyway. And so sex becomes blah.
Don’t settle for that! You were made to feel pleasure. Sex is supposed to feel good for you, not just for him. And when you feel good, it’s more of a mutual experience. It feels more intimate. And he will enjoy it more, too.
Need an easier way to have these conversations?
No blaming. Just solutions–and a whole lot of fun!
Some guys don’t always understand this, because they figure you should be able to get turned on just through intercourse, the way they do. If you don’t, there must be something wrong with you. Nope. There isn’t. It’s just that you require different kinds of stimulation.
During my 30 Days to Great Sex, if you worked through it from beginning to end, you did some exercises to discover what you actually like, and to show your husband the benefits of taking some time to touch you. But if you haven’t done that, here’s how to start:
Take a timer, and set it for 10 minutes (or 15, if you’re up for it). And ask him to touch you for that whole time. You can’t get “to the main event” yet. You have to just touch, because many women take a while to be able to relax enough to actually feel good.
Then, just concentrate on how it’s feeling. If he’s doing something too roughly, you have two choices: guide his hand and show him how it feels better, or tell him. Saying nothing is not an option, okay?
And then just FEEL.
Once you know what you like, then from now on, when you make love, take his hand and show him. That’s not being mean. It’s not being selfish. It’s not being demanding. It’s simply trying to make the experience mutual. And he’ll likely interpret that as you being excited about the whole thing, which can, in turn, be exciting for him.
Don’t be embarrassed. You’re supposed to have feelings. It’s supposed to feel good. And if you’re still scared to talk to him, here are some ways to make it a little easier (and giggle along the way):
1. Ask him to read this post
2. Throw a towel over your head and then tell him (if you just can’t look him in the eye)
3. Lie in the bathtub together, spooning, so that you can talk without having to look at his face.
4. Climb under the covers, giggling, and then tell him.
5. Leave him a note.
It doesn’t matter how you communicate; just do something!
I even wrote a post called 10 Ways to Tell Your Husband What You Want in Bed to help you get more ideas. Here’s a taste:
From 10 Ways to Tell Your Husband What You'd Like in Bed:
But more importantly, when you start sharing what you want, you open up to your husband. You become more sexual. And that’s sexy, in and of itself! When we’re honest, especially about something so personal, we will feel closer, and that makes sex hotter, too!
Hope that helps! And check out the post for those 10 ideas to tell him what you’d like in bed.
Have you overcome shyness in your marriage? How did you become more comfortable telling your spouse what you like in bed?
Yes. We are not mind readers. Sometimes my wife will express disappointment after doing something because I was not touching her the way she liked. I can’t know that I am not. If there are no complaints, I assume things are going fine. Women need to speak up. We won’t mind. I’ll take it as a compliment when my wife says “I want you to touch me here and touch me like this.”
Nick, I completely agree. Ladies, let me tell you, communicating with your husband in this way shows us you’re present, engaged and desiring to make your time together a mutually pleasurable experience. We want that for you but ultimately for our marriages. God puts people together in marriage for a reason, I really believe this. Just let yourself relax and be. You are going to be with your man for the rest of your life, make it awesome! Lastly, when spouses connect physically and mutually, the emotional and spiritual connection follows right behind and everything gets hightened times ten. Then you are off to the races and will never look back. Go for it!
Just a thought, coming from a woman, maybe instead of just assuming things are good if there are no complaints, you could try to be more attentive to how she responds? As in does she act like it feels *good*? Not saying she shouldn’t also work on being more verbal, but I think both together are important. Just a thought!
Great article Sheila. We need this over and over again. I still struggle with just saying what I want/like/dislike but am getting better. For me it’s a two fold struggle:
1) “Giving him critical feedback will be received as a deep rejection”. I could write a short essay on this one but I won’t. Just keep in mind that women definitely hear that sex is important to men, and most really don’t want to hurt you. So if you haven’t, give her an invitation! “What is you favorite/least favorite thing we do in bed? Here’s mine…” the ultimate intimacy app was a great help for this.
2) Word choices. I hate raunchy. A lot of the words we have are either clinical and gross or verbally foul (using the “p” word for a woman’s intimate parts, calling breasts any word that begins with the letter “t”, using the “f” word to describe sex, etc) I also HATE the word “horny” and never use it.
So it has helped us to work on some language we are comfortable with to discuss our bodies and various acts of intimacy. When I want my husband to know I’m in the mood, I’ll say things like: “I’m feeling amorous”, “your wife desires her husband”, “my feminine craves your masculine”. For us, these conversations are exciting and racy but don’t make me feel like trash. Just a thought for any ladies like me who really struggle with the words themselves as much as saying what we mean.
Sarah O, I think that’s really cool that you’re finding what language works for you. I’m actually pretty comfortable with most of the words you mentioned (except the “t” ones..not sure why those in particular), and I don’t think I could seriously say *any* of the lines you use to initiate! But I think its sweet how the language we develop with our own persons adds to the uniqueness of the bond and the encounters. I think that’s a part of the point of marriage: we grow into something we wouldn’t be apart that no one else has either.
Thanks Madeline! I agree it’s whatever language suits the couple. I thought it might help in case there are other people like me who find certain words as turn offs. I find the correct scientific names to be awkward in the setting of foreplay and I don’t like most of the pet names, so that has really been as much of a hindrance as topic hesitancy. But if those aren’t issues for you more power to you!
I also think that the scientific names can feel too..clinical and weird. And hey, more power to you for being so creative in how you initiate! Maybe I should consider changing it up, haha.
“Relax and just feel.” “Tell him what you want.” That used to sound like doing two opposite things at the same time. Then my husband started giving me back rubs at the beginning of our intimate times. I DID relax and I felt free to tell him what I wanted, what would feel good, feel better when he was rubbing my back. Once I started giving him feedback about the back rubs it was so much easier to give him feedback when his touching was more clearly sexual. For me, that back rub was the way to beginning to relax. And feel. And give him feedback. Now he wants a massage, too, and that takes our intimacy to a whole new level!
Hi Sarah – yeah say what you mean exactly. My wife says what are you doing this afternoon for actully what are you doing this afternoon and then what are you doing this afternoon meaning donuou want to have sex? As much as I wish I could I just cant read her mind. Even a change her tone of coice could help me out. Have a great weekend.
Hi ther Phil, hope you’re having a good day.
I don’t think we really have that issue. I don’t say “I’m feeling amorous” in any other context, and my husband knows what I mean when I say it.
But it’s a good point if there are people trying to come up with creative ways of communicating – make sure it isn’t so vague that you can be misunderstood!
What if a couple has worked through the 29/31 Days to Great Sex challenges and, while sex does now feel better for the woman, it’s still not stimulating enough to lead to extreme pleasure or an orgasm? Is this when just more experimentation and practicing is needed? I find that when my husband and I “practice”, we still get stuck in the same old ruts. We think we may be trying something new or a new technique, but it ultimately ends up feeling the same as all the other stuff he does. And I feel like the more we practice, the more we keep on reinforcing these unfruitful techniques. Plus, it doesn’t help that I don’t know exactly how to guide him; all I can say is, “yeah, that feels good. Do more of that” or “Eh, that’s not exactly it”. My husband gets SO frustrated by that!!!
I think it’s also important to let your husband know if something he tries doesn’t feel good. My husband knows there are certain things that he does in bed that I don’t like and it took a long time for me to communicate to him that these things will never be enjoyable to me and they turn me off. I think men need to be open to receiving feedback from their wives without it being seen as criticism and as she’s genuinely trying to improve sex for both people.
Yes! Very true.
As a single woman reading your blog Sheila, i’m prepared in so many ways, i won’t be surprised if my future husband questioned my virginity. For someone who is a virgin i know a LOT about sex. Thanks to your blog and marriage books. He’ll be like, “Hmmmmm……what type of virgin are you?” and i’ll respond, “The type that was taught by the best!” 🙂