7 Things Sexually Confident Women Know

by | Feb 25, 2020 | Libido | 20 comments

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If you’re a Christian, can you be a sexually confident woman?

Absolutely! In fact, you should be a sexually confident woman, because you understand the richness of how God made sex!

I’m just back from an amazing vacation (and I’ll post about it on Friday; I really needed the mental health break), so I thought I’d rerun a post that I really liked that caps off our sex and your body series in February.

So here are some thoughts on what a sexually confident woman is, and what to do if you feel that you lack confidence!

1. A sexually confident woman knows that it’s okay to have sexual desire.

She knows that she was created with a sex drive. She knows that while sex is certainly beautifully intimate, it’s also about something primal which is about pleasure. She yearns to feel that and pursue all aspects of sex.

(and, if she’s single, she understands that’s still how God created her to be; and she works at transferring that energy into something else while she waits for marriage!) But she doesn’t get mad at herself for having sexual desire in the first place.)

2. A sexually confident woman knows that it’s okay to initiate sex and make something happen.

Just like a sexually confident woman has desires, she also knows that her desires are just as important as her husband’s. And so she’s not afraid to initiate sex with her husband. She’s not afraid to say, “Okay, I’m totally in the mood tonight, and I want to feel good!”

3. A sexually confident woman is in touch with what she likes and what feels good, and is eager to share this information with her husband.

A woman who is confident in this arena is also a woman who knows that she was created to feel pleasure, and that it’s important that this happens. She knows that sex was not created just for her husband. And so she’s eager to figure out what works best for her in terms of foreplay, positions, timing, etc., and she’s not afraid to share this information with her spouse. In fact, she’s eager to have those kinds of conversations, even if they’re breathless. (Here are some foreplay ideas to get more active, too!).

And she knows that her arousal matters, too (and here 10 things to know about women and arousal.)

Are you TIRED of always being too tired for sex?

Do you yearn to actually WANT to make love–and figure out what all the fuss is about?

There is a way! And in this 10-module course I take you through what libido is (it may surprise you!), what affects libido, and how we can reclaim the excitement that God made us for.

4. A sexually confident woman enjoys enjoying her body.

She knows that she doesn’t have to have a perfect body to enjoy sex. In fact, it’s her sexual confidence that, in a way, helps her also to accept her body more. And she loves the parts of her body that feel good during sex, and she loves dressing them well and feeling confident with them.

She’s motivated to take care of her body, but her failure to look like a supermodel doesn’t steal sexual energy from her. She knows that God created sexuality to be more than just about attracting multiple people of the opposite sex, but instead about having fun and showing love to one particular person. And she’s excited to do that!

5. A sexually confident woman deliberately stokes sexual energy.

A woman who values sex knows that sex is fun and that sex is important, even if her libido isn’t always ramped up. So she deliberately does things throughout the day to put her in a more sexy frame of mind, because she values the sexual side of her life. Even if she’s not always “in the mood” automatically, she decides that this is a priority for her. So she flirts more; she enjoys being pretty; she imagines throughout the day what she wants to do tonight. She doesn’t put sex on the backburner until she magically feels “in the mood”; she prioritizes it even when she doesn’t.

6. A sexually confident woman knows sex is a great part of her life and tries to make it a big part of her life.

In a similar way, a sexually confident woman knows that sex is fun and that it benefits her marriage, and so she deliberately makes it a big part of her life. She stokes her own libido, but she also tries not just to settle for the minimum she can get away with. Her default is “why not tonight?”, rather than “should I tonight?” 

7. A sexually confident woman knows that sex should be mutual

She knows that sex was created for her just as much as for him, and that means that her needs and desires matter, too. That also means that she feels the freedom to say “no” when he asks something that she feels is demeaning, sinful, or dangerous, because she knows that sexuality is a gift that she must protect to keep herself emotionally and spiritually healthy, too. She isn’t afraid to try new things that sound fun, but if something crosses a line, she calmly says no.

She also knows when she needs a break physically or emotionally, and isn’t afraid to ask for it, knowing that the beauty of the sexual relationship does not rest solely on whether she performs, but instead primarily on the way that they treat each other.

She knows that she wasn’t created just to serve her husband, but that he was created to serve her, too. And so she doesn’t allow her own boundaries to be crossed which may wound her sexually and emotionally.

Now, a bit of what a sexually confident woman doesn’t need to be.

Sexual confidence is not about skill or experience or even whether or not one is really orgasmic. Sexual confidence is about a mindset that knows what God made sex for, that knows it is good, that has a positive view to it, and that is focused on making sex great, even if it’s not quite there yet. 

In other words, it’s about how you think, not about what you experience. So it’s something that we can cultivate by learning more about sex and by focusing more on God’s intentions towards sex. And it’s something that you can even get ready for before you’re even married by coming to terms with your body and with the fact that you are a sexual being (even if you have to transfer that sexual energy elsewhere right now). And it’s exactly why I wrote The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex–to help you figure this stuff out and to feel more sexually confident.

Sexual confidence is also a journey. I don’t want you to beat yourself up if you can’t say yes to each one of these elements of confidence. I just want you to look at them and ask yourself, “Hmmmm…..I’m really lacking in this one. Maybe it’s one I can concentrate on now!” Pick one and decide that you’re going to work on it, because confidence really is something that we cultivate on a lifelong basis.

And now I want to help you do that!

So let me know in the comments: which of these aspects of sexual confidence do you want to work on? Let me know, and let’s talk about strategies to grow in those areas!

Written by

Sheila Wray Gregoire


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Sheila Wray Gregoire

Author at Bare Marriage

Sheila is determined to help Christians find biblical, healthy, evidence-based help for their marriages. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8

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  1. BakerWoman

    Hello. First comment here.
    I love this list.
    I am none of these things, because I’m scared. Scared of making more work for a husband who spends his days working and needs to unwind in conversation with me, and takes so long to change gears mentally that we don’t have any evening left to enjoy each other’s bodies.
    I wish I had less desire. I wish I COULD stoke my sexual energy.
    I wish I was confident enough to not feel guilty about being the one who initiates 90% of the time. I wish HE initiated a lot more. I’m experimenting to see how often he initiates on his own…. every four days seems to be good. That’s at least twice as long as I can handle. Now that I’m orgasmic (which took us most of our 4 year marriage to get figured out), I’ve stopped telling him what feels good. He knows what gets me there, and doesn’t do any more work than that (I do most of it) because he’s very, very bad at it when he tries to make me feel good outside of orgasm and I no longer ask for it.
    We have sex every four days and I orgasm every time. But this list makes me cry in frustration because I need him way more than that and I feel guilty for needing him. Maybe it’s just I need to feel good after spending all day taking care of our home and two toddlers.
    But I’m good at gaslighting myself. He tries so hard to do what I tell him I need in all areas of our life. I just don’t tell him what I need because I feel I don’t deserve it.

    • Anon

      I understand this completely. I’m also the high drive one in my marriage. It’s hard to feel desirable and ok about your body when hubs doesn’t seem to desire she (cue body issues like if I was skinnier maybe he would desire me more etc)
      My hubby also works hard and I don’t want to put anymore stress on him or make him feel like he is letting me down.
      I’ve honestly read more stuff geared towards the husband because it seems more relevant to me but still not the same exactly.

    • BakerWoman

      This comment I wrote made me realize I have major self-image or confidence issues. The post itself led to a long conversation with hubby last night, and I keep underestimating my wonderful, wonderful man.
      We’ve got a plan of action to make us both feel more loved – he needs more understanding and support when he’s home, working on the ranch, and I need him to prioritize sex more. He views sex as unnecessary and as both work and recreation, so he will cuddle with me all day but isn’t motivated to do more than that most times, and doesn’t understand how sex can be a real NEED for anyone – and apologized for thinking that his needs were mine. (He’s a phenomenal guy, but he’s not at all the stereotypical sex-loving male… !!)
      So we’re gonna focus on making sex more fun for him, and I’m gonna encourage him more in his work when he’s home. I love this man so much.
      If we keep working on this, I should be able to check all seven things off this list very, very soon. I have a wonderful man. I just need to get out of my head and talk to him more.

    • Blessed Wife

      This sounds like how my husband and I used to be. One thing that has really helped us is having sex more in the morning. He’s more rested and energetic then, instead of tired and beaten down by the day like he is when he finally comes home from work at night. That simple change has increased his initiation frequency from once every couple of months to around three times a week.
      By the way, Sheila, I love this post! Glad you enjoyed your trip!

      • BakerWoman

        I thought about that. I’m not a morning person and he gets up at 7am to leave at 7:30, and he’s home at 6:30 every night. We have two hours between when the boys go to bed and when we do!
        We put in place a time to put phones away at night, and that should help a lot. He gets stuck on games and conversations after the boys go to bed, or working on different things he thinks about during the day, and I can’t get his attention, so after our sons are in bed we’re putting our phones away. So that’ll help. And on his days off I will work more on making sure I can come help him (which I’m limited on because our youngest is 1 and our oldest is 3), but I also need to just be more understanding that he’s thinking of me, even when he is busy working on the ranch instead of spending time helping me. Which will be a lot easier when we spend more time together during the week. 🙂

    • M.H

      Your comment was exactly what I could have written. Sometimes it hurts so much that its like this. I want to feel desired by my husband. And like you, I have two toddlers and at the end of the day it would be so nice to feel good. I feel there is so little information and encouragement for wives with the higher drive.

  2. B

    Intro: The sex side of our relationship is so wounded. Porn addiction that he had before we got together as young teens. Premarital sex. Extramarital relationship. One-night-stand. Misguided thinking from Christian marriage books like Love & Respect (he needs it so give it) & The Act of Marriage (almost never say no). Maybe those would have been better if we’d both read them, but I was the only one reading. We’ve been together 20 years. The only time sex wasn’t a problem in some way was before we started having it.
    Body: I struggle heavily with 5 & 6. *We* struggle with 7. With him asking for sex sometimes 3x a day, and at least once a day, when am I supposed to pursue him? I don’t have time to think my own thoughts about sex because I’m too busy wrangling his. We go through phases where he just doesn’t bring up sex AT ALL in the hopes that I’ll get hungry, but most times I sigh from relief. If we follow my typical rhythm, we’ll have sex about every 3 or 4 days. Since that’s an uncomfortable stretch for him, I’ve tried to make sure sex (or other finish) happens once every 48 hours. If I can’t have full intercourse for whatever reason, he’ll usually ask for alternative options. If I say not now/today/etc, he takes it as a very personal affront by harshest rejection (I try to be gentle, but I’m so emotionally tired that it’s getting hard to do). I recognize a major need for good marital counseling/therapy, but the good ones are expensive (cheaper than divorce, right??)
    (Disclaimer: this is my own perspective and I know for a fact that his is different, so take my words with as much salt as you’d like.)

    • Blessed Wife

      Is there a support group in your area for family and friends of addicts? Al-Anon is free, and even if he isn’t abusing substances, there are certain similarities between addictions, and you may learn some coping skills that will help you be safe and most importantly, recognize that his desires and choices belong in HIS knapsack, not yours. Another great resource are Cloud and Townsend’s Boundaries series.
      Right now you are feeling hounded and drained, because you are suffering to try to meet his sexual whims, afraid that he will get mad at you, berate you, or perhaps cheat on you again if you don’t say yes every time. You need a break: take one! Trust me, honey, he ain’t gon’ die! If he acts up, he needs to hear from you something along the following lines: “Honey, I love you, and I know you know that. This carrying on is emotional blackmail, and I’m not going to let you do it to me anymore. I need a rest, and I’m taking one. I hope that you will have as much sensitivity to my needs as you expect me to have to yours. If you can’t, I’ll take the steps I need to get some much-needed peace.” Have a plan, because he probably isn’t going to let it go easily. If I had to do this, I would set a date or specific conditions (safety, sobriety/exclusivity, etc, because if you aren’t physically and emotionally safe, you aren’t getting that break) to resume relations, or even discussions about relations. Be sure that it’s a reasonable period, but still as much time as you need, so it doesn’t become a moving-goalpost situation.
      You are more, much more, than an outlet for his addiction. You are a person, bought with a price by a God who loves you, created first and foremost to glorify Him, and deeply valued by God for who you are. Prayers!

      • B

        Thank you for your response. We have Celebrate Recovery nearby. The porn addiction has been broken in the last year, but the emotional and spiritual wounds are long-healing. I don’t think he understands that. We also read Boundaries in Marriage together. While he acknowledged some things he needed to work on, there was also a lot of “you do this *insert boundary crossing*”. I don’t remember specific examples of either. He & I both see narcissistic tendencies in him (he was raised by a narc), and I’m afraid I’ve picked up some bad habits while dealing with that, as I can also see some tendencies in myself, now.
        We have taken a couple of 2-week-long breaks in the last 2 or 3 years. One when he confessed the cheat and one when he decided it was finally time to break the porn addiction. I reinitiated at the 2-wk points, though I now regret that. I have mentioned taking a longer break to allow a rewiring of his neurons, but he’s not interested in discussing that at all. If I did set my foot down, as it were, I believe based on history that he would distance himself physically and emotionally so as to “maintain his self control”. This is what happens if I say no at night…he doesn’t hold me, sleeps on the other side of the bed or elsewhere in the house, and is cold. Rare is the night when I full-stop deny sexual activity that he is sweet about it. We go through a litany of “what about” xyz, like a teenager negotiating, and then when he realizes I mean zero, he pretty much pouts. I’ve come to believe that the 20 yrs of porn stunted his mental maturity and I’m married to a mid-30s 15 y/o.
        I honestly don’t know what timeframe *is* realistic for taking a break, or if our family could handle it right now if he was without sex. We’re going through a high-stress situation. I feel less like having sex than ever and he seems to be the same as ever. I expected his frequency to go down a bit after breaking the porn addiction, honestly. His preferred frequency is daily, if not more often. I’m doing good to be personally interested every 72 hours. It’s gotten to where I avoid him and his touch irritates the fire out of me. I just want him to hear from an “expert” that I am not crazy, that my responses are from wounds, and that he expects my wounds to heal way too fast. Among other things. I don’t want to be told that I need to make myself kiss him for at least 15 seconds every day. Or that I need to make myself have sex with him more often. Both of which I’ve heard from professionals. I’m rambling. I’m sorry.

        • Blessed Wife

          Your husband actually sounds a lot like me in some ways. I took the quiz on the SAA website and met several of the markers for a sex addict, except the ones for acting out (no porn or history of it, and my husband is the only partner I’ve ever had). I too want to have sex three or more times most days, and find rejection and celibacy extremely painful. Prolonged celibacy leaves me feeling alone, depressed and crazy. So I feel like I can kind of see both sides here. And I’m here to tell you this:
          His needs are HIS responsibility, and they do not entitle him to act like a jackass.
          You are not responsible for sins he commits. It is not fair for him to blame you, or to place an undue burden on you.
          I’ve had to learn, and am still learning, to control both my urges and my reactions to rejection for the good of my marriage, and your husband can, too. It’s part of being an adult. I’m still working on not continuing to negotiate and pester my husband for sex on the nights when he says “no”, because I honestly can’t get to sleep without it sometimes; but I recognize it as MY problem, and that it really isn’t fair to him to make it his.
          All this to say, you aren’t crazy. Every 3 days or so sounds like a normal woman’s sex drive to me; that’s two or three times a week, which I understand to be about average. It’s up to your husband, just like it is to me, to find ways of meeting our needs WITHOUT violating our marriages, and while seeking God’s best for ourselves and our spouses. It is for his good, as well as yours, to expect that of him. Not easy, definitely, but worth the struggle!

        • Blessed Wife

          Oh, and I don’t think “making” yourself do things to please him is very healthy or sexually honest. If you honestly can’t stand his touch and don’t want to kiss him, then I think you are wise to hold off until you WANT to do them. Paul tells us to give what we give freely, not as one under compulsion. And we are called to speak truth with one another. The truth is that adultery, whether through porn or sleeping with another live human being, tears the fabric of a marriage. Reweaving those bonds takes a lot of time. It may be faster just to baste things back together, but the scars still show, and it doesn’t truly rejoin the severed threads. I hope you are able to find the support you need for this difficult process!

          • B

            I appreciate your openness and advice. I love your quilting analogy. It’s very easy to build a mental image of that. I’ve explained the need to not patch too quickly and allow the deep wound to heal from inside out to avoid infection. I think we’ve messed that up. You’ve been very helpful. Thanks again.

  3. Anon

    A lot of this list is in the ‘I don’t know’ category for me at the moment, but I’ll be checking back on it once we’re married!
    Point 2) I know this in my head, but my upbringing (women wait, men dictate) is probably going to make this hard. I’m doing what I can to shift my mindset in advance of marriage by initiating hand-holding, hugs or telling my fiance how much I love him, instead of waiting for him to do these things. I found it SO hard at first, as it contradicted the messages I’d been raised with, but when I saw how much my fiance loved it when I told him I loved him or reached for his hand, it became lots easier. I’m hoping this change of mindset will make it easier for me to initiate sex once we’re married. Although I have warned him it might take a while!
    4) Urrggghhhh! What I like about my body could be written on a postage stamp – with room left over! I’m working on this one though. Like they used to write on my school math reports – “tries hard but room for improvement”!!!

  4. Flower

    What do you do when you don’t know how to tell him that you don’t like something? How do you know what is wrong vs. what is different tastes? What if you’ve been doing things for over a decade that you don’t like or make you feel demeaned?
    How do you change something that’s been going on for so long? It’s basically set, it’s the long-standing foundation. He says he wants things to be mutual and he only wants to make me happy, but I don’t feel like I can say no. Even if I decide ahead of time that I will say something, I don’t because of old, cemented habits.
    I can “O” every time, but generally I don’t enjoy much leading up to it. How do we break habits built on the churchy advice that if he likes it I should do it? Plus I’m naturally not one to voice my opinions, as I was shut down a lot growing up. Thanks and sorry this is so jumbled.

    • Blessed Wife

      Things that come across as critical are tricky, because most men take very much to heart the idea that they aren’t pleasing their woman, or that she doesn’t enjoy pleasing them. I handle not gonnas/don’t wannas in one of two ways:
      1) Sometime when sexual activity is not eminent, when my husband feels very loved and we have privacy, I might say, “Baby, you know that thing you really like? I’m sorry I never told you before, but it makes me feel ….” I find it easiest to open these discussions when we are spooning or something, so we are close and feel safe, but NOT looking each other in the eye, which can feel confrontational. Body positioning in a way that makes it a sharing of your heart, rather than a complaint that puts him on the defensive, can make it less scary for you.
      2) In the moment, I say, “Mmm, I’d rather not.” And start doing something else. Change position and start doing something else that will please you both. If you keep the tone light and playful, this doesn’t come across as rejection of him and his pleasure; just a way for you to find your voice in a way that isn’t threatening to either of you.
      Sexual honesty is very critical to intimacy, so consider it a growth step in your intimacy to start telling him what does and doesn’t work for you. If he’s a good man, he WANTS to know! If he isn’t, you deserve to start feeling safe, which begins with boundaries. You can do this!

      • Sheila Wray Gregoire

        This is so true! I love this advice.

  5. Nathan

    Just one comment today…
    > > I just don’t tell him what I need because I feel I don’t deserve it.
    This is a heartbreaking thing to hear. Let me just say that WE ALL deserve to tell our spouses what we feel, what we need, what we want. That’s no guarantee that we’ll get everything, but we’re all God’s children, and we’re all worthwhile. If there are a lot of things that you need to talk about and work through, do it one at a time.
    But we all should feel that we can talk to our spouses about any issue, and we all should listen when they talk to us. All of us are “good enough” to have our voices heard.
    How well do I do when Mrs. Nathan wants to tell me something? Hmmm, I could do better.

  6. Anon

    I am pretty comfortable describing myself as a sexually confident women however number two, initiating is so difficult for me. I can initiate hand holding and hugs and cuddling easily, but sex… I don’t know what my problem is. He tells me he feels loved when I initiate and it makes him sad that I don’t (very often at all). In the past we had a lot of issues in our marriage that resulted in not frequent sex and during those years I felt he didn’t like me sexually. I don’t know if it’s because I need healing still from that thinking. Also, when he puts his hands on me, that’s when I feel aroused, and if it’s gonna be a no go, I don’t want to go there in my mind because it’s hard to shut off once it’s on, if that makes sense! Regardless, I need to just do it a few times and get over it, I think!

  7. NoRealName

    I have so much guilt – we have only one child, and she’s a girl (which is a *big* problem for my husband’s family), and now it’s too late. It was my husband’s decision to have only 1 child, but I still feel like sex is supposed to be for procreation and I squandered that, so I shouldn’t. We go months without – my husband doesn’t seem to mind/care but since we never talk about it, I don’t really know. Oh, and I’m 50 pounds overweight – don’t know if that’s a cause or a result, but there it is. And another thing – it’s painful when it’s his ‘turn’, but I don’t say anything. I figure that, since I can always come, the pain is not that big a deal and I can grit my teeth and get through it. So yeah, it’s a bit of a mess. I hate that it’s even a thing I have to think about – I’d really just as soon never have to go through it, but I guess that’s not an option. I suppose I’d have to work on #1 – but part of me thinks “Why bother? What’s the point?”

    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      Oh, dear, that sounds like so much that you’re dealing with! I don’t even know where to start unpacking it, to be honest. I do think that sex is supposed to be far more than just procreative (not everyone can have kids, after all, and sex after menopause is still important!), and if you’re struggling with that, please read The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex. But I also think it sounds like you and your husband aren’t connecting very well, and that’s probably the bigger problem. You need to feel safe and on the same page again. I’d encourage you to look at my emotional connection emails, because maybe that can help you (and they’re free!)


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