Should women get to have a say in when they have sex?
I would think that the answer to this is pretty obvious.
I don’t have time for a long post today, but I want to talk about a social media trend that’s been occurring, I think because of my obligation sex series.
Whenever I write something about obligation sex, there is a certain blogger/influencer who I don’t like to name who posts something the exact opposite.
Here, for instance, is a recent post:
Let’s break down what she’s saying about obligation sex:
Women’s feelings must not play a role in whether or not the couple has sex.
So, then, the couple has sex according to the man’s feelings.
What she’s arguing is not actually about sex. What she’s saying is this:
Men’s feelings matter, and women’s feelings don’t.
It’s that simple.
Many influencers are following her lead.
I’ve been tagged in I don’t know how many Instagram posts and reels this week of young, female, “biblical wifehood” accounts sharing the same message about obligation sex. You need to have it. It’s a gift for your husband. It makes him feel strong. It helps him withstand temptation.
What they’re not mentioning is coercion; the orgasm gap; porn use; emotional connection; and so much more.
I started this conversation, but there are many on the other side who are trying to undo it.
So who is this initial influencer?
I’m actually not going to name her. Many of you know who she is, but I’d ask that you not mention her name/handle in the comments.
Here’s the thing: She thrives on controversy. Her reach is huge because so many people check out her page because she’s so outrageous.
But any time you react or comment, you make Facebook and Instagram think, “oh, this is a super engaging post”, so they show it to more people.
I think this is a complicated issue, because I have had so many people actually find me because someone else mentioned me in her comments, or mentioned The Great Sex Rescue. There can be a place for leaving good comments. But I think once someone has already left a great comment, it’s better to like that comment and move on than to leave another one yourself. Let’s cut down the engagement as much as we can.
The same applies to these young wife influencer channels. When we engage, we affect the algorithm which will send it to more people.
My advice? Leave a comment if there isn’t a good one there expressing how obligation sex causes sexual pain and lowers orgasm rates, and how the orgasm gap is real and this isn’t okay. Leave a link to my book or a mention of my book.
But then unfollow the account or mute the account so you don’t see anything else, and the reach goes down.
We’re making a lot of progress with people understanding that obligation sex is bad.
It’s actually been heartening to see on so many of these young wives’ accounts people calling them out with really well-thought-out arguments.
But these accounts are growing. So let’s starve them as much as we can–while keeping to spread the correct message about sex being mutual, intimate, and pleasurable for both!
What do you think? Have you seen this trend growing on social media? Let me know in the comments!
The Obligation Sex Series
- 10 Things to Know about Obligation Sex
- Why Obligation Sex Destroys Libido (and how it affects us long-term)
- Are Obligation Sex and Marital Rape the Same Thing?
- A Way Forward to Recovery from Obligation Sex
- Why Obligation Sex Can Make Sex Feel Disgusting
- You Don't Need to Consent to Being Used (what to do when your husband insists on obligation sex)
- How Higher Drive Spouses Can Avoid Giving the Obligation Sex Message
- 10 Ways Men Can Initiate Sex Without Pressuring Her
- The Obligation Sex podcast
Previous Posts on Obligation Sex
- Can We Honor our Bodies' Rhythms?
- Does 1 Corinthians 7 Mean that Women Have No Sexual Autonomy?
- What Happens When Men Believe the Obligation Sex Message?
Previous Podcasts on Obligation Sex
- New Research on the effects of Obligation Sex
- The Myth of the Magic Penis
- Marital Rape, Consent, and the Problems with Obligation Sex
Plus please see our Great Sex Rescue Toolkit for handy downloads about the effects of obligation sex that you can give to your pastor, counselor, small group leader--anyone who teaches it!
And see chapters 9 and 10 in The Great Sex Rescue for all our charts, stats, and commentary!