What if the reason you often feel stuck is actually your brain trying to protect you?
I seriously loved Dr. Merry Lin’s book Rebecoming, that we talked about on the podcast last week. I was so excited when they sent it to me, because I know so many of you can’t afford therapy, but really want to work through some things. And Rebecoming can teach so many things that you often learn in therapy, and give you tools to start emotional healing and growth.
The part of her book that I especially found helpful personally was at the beginning, where she talked about the Stone Age brain. Basically, God created us to survive, and survival means we need to take threats seriously. So our brains are wired to pay special attention to threats. And because our brains are wired to do this, it means that we often react to things that aren’t physical threats in counterproductive ways.
Just realizing that these counterproductive ways aren’t deliberate choices that we make or personality defects or weaknesses can be amazing! And now we have tools to work through it.
I highly recommend Rebecoming. It’s not a long read, and I’ve never read anything that explain different psychological concepts so well.
I’d love to take a little bit of time today to go through the 7 points we discussed on the podcast about the Stone-Age brain. Please leave a comment after you’ve read through this list to let us know how it all lands for you!
What is the Stone Age brain?
Our brain and our bodies are trying to keep us alive, and so we are wired to react to threats in ways to protect ourselves. So much of what we experience emotionally is because of that hard wiring that says, “I need to be protected.” In Rebecoming, Dr. Lin helpfully provides the reader with a list of the ways that the Stone Age brain helps us stay safe.
And remember: we’re talking about instinct. Like all instincts, these can be overcome and overruled when we’re able to recognize what is actually going on and respond deliberately.
But understanding that “our first instinct may be something that we don’t like because of our hard wiring” helps us stop the blame cycle and understand ourselves better!
So let’s dive in:
1. We give much greater weight and attention to negative information than to positive.
Our brains are hardwired to be far more aware of negative information, and so we give a lot more weight to that than we typically do with positive information. This makes sense when you realize that negative information can give us clues on how to not just stay alive, but to also thrive. Negative information can include anything related to physical danger or danger to our mental health, danger to our relationships, or jobs.
So if you notice yourself focusing more on the negative in the world, that’s not you failing as a human being. That is the way that our brains survive. (And that’s why doing exercises that deliberately help us focus on the positive can be so helpful, because we’re not hard wired to do that!)
2. We’re really protective of our stuff, especially when threatened.
It is natural, when we feel threatened at all, to become preoccupied with your family or your home; whatever is most important to you. Things like reputation, our capacity to earn a living, keep food on the table, have a safe living environment can suddenly receive heightened attention if something comes along to trigger your sense of self-protection.
3. We really don’t like change and prefer the status quo
Even if it’s dysfunctional, our brains prefer things to remain the same because our Stone Age brains love predictability. A change, even a change that can lead to healthier or safer relationships & environments, will always be unknown and will trigger our Stone Age brains to be skeptical. A change could be great, but it could also be dangerous.
So our Stone Age brains prioritize the safety of the known over the possible risk of the unknown.
4. We automatically classify others as friend or foe
This is a tough one because this gets into prejudice and discrimination and creates ingroups and outgroups. As humans, we naturally say–you’re either with me or against me.
Our need for survival prioritises the group that we are in, because it is our in-group that protects us. And we need to be part of that tribe! Think of people in the stone age: Want to survive against predators and enemies? You need a group!
So our brains are constantly trying to figure out who our group is. It should be noted that this is not the same as the need for belonging and acceptance, which is also a God-given trait we all carry. You can fit in with a group where you don’t feel like you belong.
One example that we might see with this is in middle school girls. They’ll join a clique with girls they don’t even like, but they want to fit in. You have to act the way they expect you to act. You often have to mask and to pretend to be someone you’re not so that you can fit in because the cost otherwise is you would get kicked out, and then there you are at risk again from a survival standpoint.
Prejudice also starts from this instinct–and that’s why it’s important to recognize it and overcome it! But remember that we do try to gain acceptance from a group, even a group that doesn’t treat us well.
5. We barter information to manage relationships for our benefit.
In other words, we manipulate through gossip. This is related to number four because the way we use information, like gossip, can help to ensure that we are in the “ingroup.” And it can help our status too!
6. We learn to be friendly and empathize with others to build peaceful social alliances.
I think what’s interesting about this as a survival instinct is how it demonstrates that we are not created to be alone. It’s also interesting to note that this specific wiring is also why trauma from abusive relationships can also be healed relationally when we find those empathetic peaceful relationships and communities.
Here’s a great quote from Dr. Lin from the podcast about this:
…Our brain wiring literally gets rewired through connections from birth, and the good news is if you were raised in an abusive home and you go, “Oh, my gosh, I didn’t get any of that nurturing,” you can find healthy relationships today, and you can rewire your brain. Then that means your brain will have better responses, more positive feelings in relationship. It’s impossible to do it on your own. On your own, all you have as you’ve read many books or listen to podcasts is you have a lot of insight, but insight leads to nothing if it’s not applied to your life. It takes risk to do that.”
7. We gain status by beating our chests more loudly.
This one takes a bit of explanation to fully appreciate this point. But here’s how Dr. Lin explained it on the podcast:
Imagine if success were defined by Instagram followers. Some people have thousands and thousands, while others may only have a couple dozen followers. For those invested in being a social media influencer, one is clearly a winner and one is clearly a loser. So our Stone Age brains thrive when they feel like they are succeeding or winning at something.
One interesting note about this: science shows that this is also a gendered thing. Men are more likely to be competitive in reaching goals, while women tend to act far more collaboratively.
Are Our Survival Instincts Sinful?
We need to be careful not to moralize these traits within ourselves. One unfortunate aspect of evangelical culture is the desire to label everything as “sinful” or “not sinful.” All of these instincts should be seen as neutral. They’re not sinful or bad. But every single one of them can be used for good or bad.
We can have compassion on ourselves and on others by realizing that these instincts were hard-wired into us by a God who loves us and wants us to survive and thrive.
That doesn’t mean that all behaviour is okay. When it means harming another person or ourselves, then obviously we’re heading into a sinful direction. But this is where Jesus comes along and says, “But now, I’m going to show you a better way.”
Now we get to choose how we act.
But until we recognize all the things that are affecting our choices today, it’s very difficult to make different choices.
We are more than our instincts
God gave humans the ability to decide to override our instincts and choose morally. He gave us the capacity to be selfless, to think beyond our own survival and benefit, and then showed us a more excellent way through Christ.
Understanding WHY we are hard wired to act in certain ways helps us out of the blame game. But now it’s time to give us tools to help us stop instinctually doing things that are counterproductive for our relationship growth and for our emotional health.
Now it’s time to start making choices.
And that’s where I think Rebecoming can be so helpful, or other tools that help you understand the WHY–so you can take a deep breath and choose deliberately, rather than just on instinct!
What do you think? Did any of those 7 surprise you? Can you relate especially to any of them? Let’s talk in the comments!
The 7 points of course all have validity. For me focus on the negative is the one that seems to lead me into the other 6.. What is interesting is that in my circles of people outside my family I am known for finding the positive in the negative. You know whats good about a flat tire? It’s only flat on the bottom. However, put me with my family and this is where I often see negative and react in that manner. Going in the defense to protect myself is the very next behavior on down the list to beating my chest to keep my status. Seems the 7 points are interconnected.
For some reason I was seeing the title as “Brian May’s God-given stone ax”. And I was like???
Anyway, haven’t watched last Thursday’s podcast or read this article yet.
But is the Stone Age Brain like the reptilian brain I learned about in my trauma informed trainings?
I would say, probably one step above the reptile, in the hippocampus. The reptilian brain tends to operate way below the radar, whereas the Stone Age brain that she’s talking about is at least observable to our everyday consciousness.
It’s neuroscience semester for me, so this is all pertinent! I am being amazed to read all the material about how early attachments actually form our brain structures and are so important in that function that if they are lacking, our mental and even our physical health can be affected throughout the lifespan. And I absolutely love the fact that our brains can actually heal and grow beyond these early injuries, if we are given the proper care and validation in later relationships! Community and neuroplasticity, what a wonderful combination!
Interesting, too, that for survival we will join a group even if we don’t really like the group. Mammals, which we are, are wired to live and thrive in groups. Humans have the ability to choose differently and to isolate ourselves, but we don’t thrive unless we have a solid community that cares for us as we care for them. Those of us who have been hurt in relationships often tend to withdraw from community and try to be the Lone Ranger, but it is important to be conscious of the fact that we need others around us. It doesn’t have to be a big group, but it does need to be a group.
Number 3 jumped out at me, both when I watched the podcast and again today. We are hardwired to prefer staying, even in toxic situations, to risking change. Perhaps this explains why so many stay in toxic evangelical churches.
Yep! Because our bodies know, “I may not like it here, but I’m still alive.” We don’t know for certain that any other option will result in “I’m still alive.” So we stay.
This is me. I know our church is off base in several areas but am hesitant to leave because at least I know where/when to be cautious. Also, our son has community. I hate to pull him from that. The unknown is uncomfortable and a little scary. Where would we go?
I get that! Sometimes there are reasons to stay. It isn’t the same for everybody. I know it’s hard! We stayed too long, I think, but leaving as soon as I felt something off likely wouldn’t have been good either. By the time we left the first church our kids were ready to leave too.
Thank you for acknowledging how hard this can be. The good at this church is the community and care. But, knowing the ick, I don’t feel I can be authentic which is a core value for me.
Is there an answer, at least a temporary answer for the time being, where you are no longer all in but also not all out? Could you take one Sunday a month (or every few months) to visit other churches and get a feel for what alternatives there are? And perhaps let your son and you get to know people there and get a little comfortable there before you finally make a change? I don’t want to minimize how difficult this is or how complex the reasons for staying might be. It was easier for me because I no longer have children at home, so I didn’t have to consider their friendship networks. Another response might be to reduce the amount of tithes that you give to this church and redirect your money to organizations that are safer. I felt that if I continued to financially support that church, then I would be complicit in the harm that they do. But I understand why you might not feel right about doing that either. I’m just hoping that there might be a path towards gradually detaching from your current church, if that is indeed what you end up deciding you need to do, and whether that might be easier than doing it “cold turkey.”
This is a great idea! We have been visiting my daughter’s church about once a month. I don’t know if we would choose to go there as the distance is an issue. But going once a month to visit potential new places is doable. Financial support is definitely something we take into consideration.
1. WE GIVE MUCH GREATER WEIGHT AND ATTENTION TO NEGATIVE INFORMATION THAN TO POSITIVE.
Which is why it’s so effective to tell wives that they’re sinful, rebellious, or even going to hell if they don’t submit to their husbands, their church leaders, and men in general.
2. WE’RE REALLY PROTECTIVE OF OUR STUFF, ESPECIALLY WHEN THREATENED.
Which is why so many women double down when someone tries to tell them the truth about submission and about women’s “roles” in the home, church, and society.
3. WE REALLY DON’T LIKE CHANGE AND PREFER THE STATUS QUO
Which is why women don’t like to rock the boat, even as they’re dying inside from emptying themselves completely for their husbands, their kids, their church, their community—in short, doing everything for everyone but themselves.
4. WE AUTOMATICALLY CLASSIFY OTHERS AS FRIEND OR FOE
Which is why those boat-rockers are definitely foes.
5. WE BARTER INFORMATION TO MANAGE RELATIONSHIPS FOR OUR BENEFIT.
Which is why women reason that if so many other women believe what the church has taught for centuries, then we must keep doing so to avoid losing those relationships. Who wants to be cast out from all the relationships that we have?
6. WE LEARN TO BE FRIENDLY AND EMPATHIZE WITH OTHERS TO BUILD PEACEFUL SOCIAL ALLIANCES.
Which is why women suck up (sometimes literally) to men in power over them. Which for too many women is ALL men.
7. WE GAIN STATUS BY BEATING OUR CHESTS MORE LOUDLY.
Which is why we have so many women doubling down on the trad wife movement, TTW, female authors perpetuating misogyny and abuse, etc.
Exactly, Jo R! It explains a lot!
Well said and BINGO!
These 7 points strike me as being specific to certain personality types. I’m a woman in my 60’s and most of them don’t describe me. I’m very logical, and I seek data for the decisions I make. Emotions are not a strong part of my personality. I agree that there might be some aspects of the way humans function that reflect primal impulses of self preservation, but there are other factors at play that are at the root of our personalities.