One of the things we’re passionate about on this blog is making sure the advice that is given about marriage and sex in the evangelical world is healthy.
Over the last few years, our team has surveyed over 40,000 people, measuring how certain teachings common in the evangelical world about marriage and sex affect marital and sexual satisfaction.
And the results have not been pretty.
We’re asking the church to stop spreading harmful messages, and make sure that what is said is actually healthy. Because it is actually possible to write books that do not harm!
As we’ve confronted harmful messages, we’ve written three big books–The Great Sex Rescue, She Deserves Better, and The Marriage You Want with Fawn on the way!
We’ve also published a series of downloadable one-sheets on evangelical books that still sell well, but have been shown to contain harmful messages.
This is our most recent entry–The Empowered Wife.
Usually when we review a book, we choose an evangelical one.
This is the first book that we’ve done that is not specifically a Christian book, but it is widely used in Christian circles; it closely mirrors the advice in books like Created To Be his Helpmeet or Love & Respect; and it is the most frequently requested review from our readers.
In this post, with a download option, I’d like to explain the problems with the book.
Again, none of this invalidates your experience if the book did help you. But a healthier book would also have helped you without harming others. That’s what we need to be aiming for.
This post is the text from our download, so it’s short, in bullet point form, and right to the point. We’ll be doing a longer deep dive into this issue tomorrow on the Bare Marriage podcast!
SYNOPSIS of The Empowered Wife
A wife can single-handedly bring a boring or broken marriage back to life and by ignoring counselors and psychologists and using the author’s Six Intimacy Principles instead.
One Sheet:
Everything Wrong with The Empowered Wife
Get our One Sheet of all the problems with The Empowered Wife and share it with your firends and pastors!
Sign up to our newsletter to get the download for free
SUMMARY OF ISSUES
- Calls verbal abuse a myth, and declares that her Skills can fix a marriage with physical abuse, addictions, and more. Says that men abuse because women “pile on” or trigger it.
- Declares that women are the ones who have the power to fix the marriage by stopping all requests and honest feedback to their husbands and instead catering to the husband’s ego and immaturity.
- While framing marriage counselors as dangerous “marriage cancelers”, she encourages people in every chapter to pay $100s for her coaching, claiming that she has found the secrets to save any marriage.
PLACES THE RESPONSIBILITY FOR ALL MARRIAGE ISSUES ON THE WIFE
- Declares that “Women are the keepers of the relationship and have much more power over the culture in the home.” (xxiii) States that if he’s hurting you, it’s because “your husband doesn’t feel respected right now.” (63)
- Says the problems women have in marriage are due to women’s faulty perceptions (90) rather than a husband’s actions. “I had been convinced that my husband was being actively stubborn or distant or lazy… it was startling to realize how much of the conflict and tension in our marriage had been my own doing.” (10).
Today I don’t think my husband is lazy at all. And the only thing that changed was my perspective and my attitude…
When I’m happy and playful, he’s typically attentive and affectionate. When I’m controlling, he’s reliably distant and defensive. When I’m vulnerable, he’s quick to respond with tenderness and protection. When I’m grateful, he looks for even more ways to delight me. When I treat him respectfully, it engenders passion and adoration. When I’m anxious, he tries to comfort me, unless I’m anxious about him or something he’s responsible for—then we’re back to distant and defensive. In other words, he’s a reliable barometer of my attitude, which I have complete control over.
DOWNPLAYS THE DANGER OF ABUSE, INFIDELITY, ADDICTIONS AND MORE
- Calls verbal abuse a “myth,” saying it’s because a wife hasn’t learned the 6 Intimacy Skills. Declares, “Chances are you either started it or piled it on,” and “most incidents of verbal abuse are actually two-way streets.” (210-211)
[V]erbal abuse is a symptom that the wife hasn’t learned the Six Intimacy Skills yet. This does not mean that his temper is your fault; it just means you haven’t yet discovered how to express yourself while preserving the emotional safety.
Chances are you either started it or piled it on…
[M]ost incidents of verbal abuse are actually two-way streets…
[V]erbal abuse is a temporary, curable condition.
- Attributes an alcoholic, physically abusive man becoming a wonderful, loving husband and father solely to the fact that his wife “got off the fence” and decided she wasn’t going to divorce him. (221)
- Claims an alcoholic stopped drinking because of a “Spouse-Fulfilling Prophecy”: “she repeated what felt like a bold-faced lie: that he ‘didn’t drink much.’” (7)
I’ve had the honor of hearing the stories of courageous women who were married to alcoholics, physical abusers, or cheaters but used the Six Intimacy Skills to heal their marriages.
There was the woman who used the Spouse-Fulfilling Prophecy with her alcoholic husband, who subsequently (and to her amazement) quit drinking as she repeated what felt like a bold-faced lie: that he “didn’t drink much.” Then there was the young wife devastated by her husband’s affair. “People told me that I would never be able to trust him again, but I now know that’s a lie. I trust him because I decided to trust him, and he’s living up to that trust I give him,” she told me…
I had the power all along.
- States emphatically “your husband is better with money than you are” (153) prescribes relinquishing control of the finances to the husband, regardless of his history of overspending or not paying bills. (159)
- Lectures wives that porn and masturbation are entirely a husband’s choice, and a wife isn’t even to speak out against it, regardless of how this influences his treatment of her. Says her “control and lack of respect are more likely the real culprits” to sex problems in the marriage (235)
- Normalizes a husband’s abuse and bullying of his son as masculine behaviour that women don’t understand (85). When a wife tries to enforce boundaries on a teenage daughter, excuses the husband undermining the wife and allowing the daughter to be a slob because “dads often do things differently.” (123)
Mike had his eight-year-old son Matthew with him, and in between games he asked Matthew, “Do you want to have a race down to the water?” Matthew’s face lit up. “Yeah!” he said excitedly. They both crouched like runners at a starting block, and Mike said, “On your marks, get set—” and just as he said, “go!” he shoved his son into the sand and took off running to the water. My friend Rana and I were both appalled at Mike’s behavior. I couldn’t believe a grown man could do something so mean to a little boy. But my friend Dave thought it was funny, and so did Mike. In fact, so did Matthew. They were all laughing while Rana and I stood there with our mouths hanging open in shock. All the males thought this was great fun, and all the females thought it was mean. What a great example of how different masculine culture is than feminine culture.”
FOSTERS AN ENVIRONMENT OF MANIPULATION RATHER THAN INTIMACY
- Creates a marriage where intimacy is impossible because women are constantly self-censoring. Instead of fostering open and honest communication, declares that a wife can never share openly and honestly how she feels about the relationship. Declares that “your husband doesn’t want your opinion” about anything. (69)
- Encourages women to fawn over their husbands and say things they don’t mean (“dishonesty is the best policy”) to trick him into being kind to her (101). Encourages women to be fake. (102)
- Pressures women to suppress their grief if a husband cheats or leaves her, saying she should smile instead (“you’ll be more attractive when you’re smiling”) (228) and instead seduce him even if he is currently cheating. Advises treating meetings at a divorce lawyer or custody hand-offs as dates and opportunities for seduction. (228)
Dress up and doll up. Let him open the door, and thank him with a sweet smile. Have some fun with it. You might even seduce him. This is your husband we’re talking about, so even if he’s being intimate with someone else, he’s yours, not hers. You might be tempted to retaliate by locking him out of the bedroom, but when you’re trying to restore intimacy, why not start with physical intimacy? It’s a great springboard. Make every meeting a date. If you see him—even if it’s at the divorce attorney’s, the marriage counselor’s, or just to hand off the kids—pretend it’s a date.
MAKES MULTIPLE FALSE PROMISES
- Asserts that “even affairs, mental illness, and addiction have proven no match for the power of a committed wife armed with the Six Intimacy Skills and the support and encouragement to implement them.” (6)
- Declares that professionals trained in marriage dynamics are dangerous because “there’s no respectful way to complain about your husband to a stranger.” (5) In every chapter, encourages women to join her coaching program instead, which can cost $100s a month.
- Says if you stop mentioning what needs to be done (such as an oil change) your husband will magically do it. (80)
- Claims all husbands have good character. “We can only marry our match.” (63)
We can only marry our match. Since you’re not mean and spiteful, he’s not mean and spiteful. You’re not a bad person, so he’s not a bad person either.
Healthy Sexuality Score: 16/48
Infidelity and Lust:
0/16
Pleasure:
11/16
Mutuality:
5/16
For complete results, download our rubric and scorecard.
WHAT WOMEN HAVE SAID
SYNOPSIS OF FINDINGS
The Empowered Wife gaslights women into thinking the problems in marriage are because of her lack of respect, rather than his behavior. Denies the reality and severity of abuse, and advises wives to enable destructive and immature behavior in their husbands. While this advice may result in a husband who loves his marriage, this is only due to a lack of accountability for him, rather than true intimacy. The book reads like a long-from sales campaign for her coaching program, while denigrating professionals and evidence-based approaches to fixing marriage problems.
INSTEAD OF POWER OF A PRAYING WIFE, CHOOSE…
The Marriage You Want by Gregoire and Gregoire
Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Gottman and Silver
The Deep Rooted Marriage by Allender and Call
One Sheet:
Everything Wrong with The Empowered Wife
Get our One Sheet of all the problems with The Empowered Wife and share it with your firends and pastors!
Sign up to our newsletter to get the download for free
Have you had experience with The Empowered Wife? Let’s talk in the comments!
FYI, you accidentally call the book “Power of a Praying Wife” a few times in the post!