Evangelicalism has huge double standards of sexual expectations in marriage.
One of the things we tried to drive home in The Marriage You Want is that the biggest killer of marriage is entitlement. When you think you’re owed something from your spouse without you having to put in commensurate work for it, you’re being entitled.
Now, entitlement is different from having reasonable expectations in marriage. Expectations that are reasonable and based on our vows are actually good; but when we expect someone to do more than we expect ourselves to do, that veers into entitlement.
Tragically (and it is a tragedy), when it comes to sex, the evangelical world in particular has primed men to have entitlement, while telling women that even reasonable expectations are unrealistic and even sinful. We have created a double standard with sex, which is one of the leading causes of sexual dissatisfaction, women’s low libido, and women’s low orgasm rates (and our 47 point orgasm gap!).
Yes, many women have the higher libido in marriages. But most do not, and when we measured it in our survey of 20,000 women for The Great Sex Rescue, we did find that women’s libidos appear to have been artificially lowered because of a combination of this entitlement/zero expectations double standard mentality.
If we want healthy sex lives, we need to deal with this double standard!
I’m constantly astounded at how LITTLE we think it’s reasonable to ask of men with sex, and how MUCH we think it’s reasonable to ask of women.
1. We think it’s unreasonable to ask men to wait for sex after a baby comes so that his wife can heal;
But we think it’s reasonable to ask a woman who has just gone through labor after carrying a baby for nine months; who is not sleeping; who has lost a large volume of blood; who likely has some post-birth physical trauma; who is adjusting to breastfeeding–we think it’s reasonable to ask her to give her husband oral sex or a hand job every few days, and we think she should act enthusiastic about it for his sake, too.
2. We think it’s unreasonable to ask a man to wait for sex to be comfortable for a woman,
But we think it’s reasonable to ask a woman suffering from sexual pain to push through for his sake, because we believe it’s valid that the price of his pleasure is her pain.
3. We think it’s unreasonable to ask a man to connect emotionally with his wife before sex,
But we think it’s reasonable to ask a woman to have sex at least every 3 days, even if she feels used, even if she feels distant, even if she feels just like a sex toy with no thought to her as a person.
4. We think it’s unreasonable to ask a man to make sure his wife orgasms,
But we think it’s reasonable to ask a woman to keep having intercourse and giving sexual favors every few days, even if she never reaches orgasm herself.
5. We think it’s unreasonable to ask a man to go more than a few days without orgasm,
But we think it’s reasonable to ask women to go for decades without orgasm, as long as she’s fulfilling her duty to her husband.
You may also enjoy:
- Our Orgasm Series (let’s close that 47 point orgasm gap!)
- A 4-Point Recovery Plan to Rescue a Sex Life that’s in the Pit
- Have We Made Sex into an Entitlement?
And what if her husband has actually sinned against her or betrayed her?
6. We think it’s unreasonable to ask a man who has confessed to an affair or a porn addiction to go without sex until the marriage heals and his wife feels safe,
But we think it’s reasonable to ask a woman who feels betrayed, abandoned, and unsafe to give up her body to the man who hurt her, so that he can have sexual release.
7. We think it’s unreasonable to ask a man who has been raping his wife to take sex off the table while he rebuilds trust,
But we think it’s reasonable to ask a traumatized woman to allow her body to be used, retraumatizing her in the process, because we believe his ejaculation matters more than her safety.
We will never, ever have healthy relationships and healthy marriages in the church until we get this right.
Sex is something that is mutual, intimate, and pleasurable for both. If those conditions are not met, genitals may be involved, but it is not sex the way God intended.
If we in the evangelical church think it’s reasonable to expect women to sacrifice their physical and emotional safety, and endure emotional and physical pain, just so that a man has an orgasm–then we do not understand intimacy. We do not understand sex.
And what’s more, we don’t understand God. By their fruits you will recognize them.
For more on the problems with how we see sex as an entitlement for men and an obligation for women, please see chapters 9 & 10 of The Great Sex Rescue!
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References for These Sexual Double Standards Claims
(This is not an exhaustive list, but rather just an example of what is sprinkled throughout our resources and from the pulpit)
1. Postpartum expectations
Kevin Leman in Sheet Music tells women that they should give handjobs while postpartum (p. 206); so does the book Intended for Pleasure (p. 206). Gary Thomas and Debra Fileta in Married Sex implies that women get aroused giving hand jobs postpartum, making this seem like the norm (p. 69-70). Multiple, multiple examples from social media and sermons can be given telling women that they must not go more than 72 hours without giving their husbands sexual release.
2. Expectations of comfort
Of the 13 evangelical books we looked at for The Great Sex Rescue, only two handled vaginismus appropriately (Sheet Music and The Gift of Sex). The rest didn’t even mention it, or else insinuated it did not exist or wasn’t a big deal (The Act of Marriage and Intended for Pleasure). Tim Keller’s The Meaning of Marriage gave an anecdote where the couple repeatedly had sex when it hurt, and she didn’t speak up during intercourse, but only said so afterwards, implying this was normal (p. 233). Nowhere did they say you should get help if sex hurts. Vaginismus affects 22% of evangelical women. When books tell women about their obligations to give sex, but do not offer caveats about pain, or even tell women that pain is not normal, then it is assumed that these obligations apply to situations where sex is painful as well.
3. Expectations of emotional connection
Multiple books, like For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn, insinuate that not having sex with a man is the equivalent to him not talking with you for a week. They say that men connect through sex, and so it is not appropriate to withhold it from him, or else he will feel distant. Many books and authors also say that men will open up emotionally if you have sex, and so if you want him to open up, you must give him sex (I’m afraid I also used to teach this!). When books give no caveat for when women can say no to sex, but simply reinforce how much men need it, they tell women that they should have sex even if they feel distant. Our study found that for 18% of women, their primary emotion after sex is feeling used.
4. Expectations of orgasm and pleasure
As I have pointed out repeatedly, the norm when evangelical books talk about sex is to insist how important it is that women give sex, without also saying that orgasm for women is a thing and that orgasm should be mutual. When we have a 47 point orgasm gap in evangelicalism, and yet this gap is rarely if ever mentioned in our resources, it shows that women’s pleasure is not a priority. For instance, Love & Respect’s sex chapter is all about how women owe husbands sex no matter what, and yet it never says a single word about women’s pleasure. Instead, he tells women that a benefit of sex is that it is over so quickly (p. 252).
5. Expectations of frequency
Multiple books and authors quote the “72-hour rule” that Dobson put in a book in 1977, based on no scientific evidence. It is found in The Act of Marriage; Sheet Music; Every Man’s Battle; The Power of a Praying Wife. It has been quoted by Carolyn Mahaney at a Desiring God conference. And yet, again, these same books and authors say nothing about women’s expectations of pleasure.
6. Expectations of healing from betrayal
I heard about a panel where a very well-known megachurch pastor was asked if a wife could say no to sex for 30 days after a husband’s porn disclosure so that they could rediscover intimacy. He said no, because this would be depriving him. No mention was made about how the husband was depriving the wife by using porn. The Every Man’s Battle series tells husbands and wives that when men quit lust and porn, they should acutally have MORE sex with their wives, using them as sexual methadone. Their book Every Heart Restored says: “And why shouldn’t you expect to make sacrifices even in the marriage bed?…On the battlefield of broken sexual trust, your husband must become trustworthy and you must eventually choose to trust again, and that’ll mean sexual sacrifice. It’s self-defeating to worry about which should come first.” (p. 211). Gary Thomas had to take down a blog post saying that having sex can help a man quit porn because of all the outcry.
7. Expectations of real consent
One of the horrifying realities of evangelicalism’s marriage resources is the complete lack of conversation about what consent and coercion look like. Indeed, many of our resources laugh off the reality of marital rape, such as The Act of Marriage (p. 107), Every Heart Restored (p. 15), and His Needs, Her Needs (2011 edition, p. 49), all of which have anecdotes about marital rape but never say that this is bad (and indeed in these anecdotes show sympathy for the husband). When books and pastors don’t define marital rape, but simply say that women must not deprive husbands, then women in these situations feel helpless. And we found that a lot of women are feeling coerced into sex.
Can you think of another double standard? What would be your #8? Let’s talk in the comments!
Entitlement in Marriage Series
- What Entitlement in Marriage Looks Like: Are you an entitled spouse?
- 4 Things You Should Expect from Your Spouse
- It's Not Idolatry to Expect Connection with Your Spouse
- Entitlement to Sex: The Double Standards of Expectations
- Entitlement and Weaponized Incompetence: Your Spouse Should Be a Grown-Up
- How to Handle an Entitled Spouse
So often, as I read your articles on anything relating to the evangelical church, its complementarianism, and now its double standards, one thought comes to me time and again – men are either unknowingly or knowingly ignorant about the vast difference between themselves and the women in their lives. I do not believe it is enough to say we are different or that young men need to learn about a woman’s hormonal changes, cycles, and everything – start to finish – about pregnancy. I strongly believe that entitled men around the world, especially evangelical men, have a belief system that, on the inside, men and women are the same, just different on the outside. For example, my point is that if a woman is moody, to men that’s an inside issue and her responsibility to quiet it down, change it, or adjust her attitude. I believe that the majority of men are comfortably ignorant by choice, and the whole “not all men” argument circles in a straw man argument – men refuse to hear what women are really saying when we say, “It’s all men until it’s no men.” If it were mandatory for every young male or even an adult man to have an education about the female and her design, including pregnancy, before they say “I do,” I think things could be different, especially if there were a test to check for mastery. Today’s men, the uneducated ones, see pregnancy as comparable to their 9-5 jobs, and when a woman is “sitting down” on the job, staying home caring for the baby, well, that’s just an added luxury for women that men do not get. Men should just be honest – they know they cannot do what a woman can, so for them, keeping us down, keeping us quiet, and keeping us second is their answer.
We really would be so much better off if 13-year-old boys had to all have those period simulators, and understand what periods felt like! I met another man in his 40s recently who thought it was like urination, where you could decide when to let it out, so he couldn’t understand why women “leak.” He thought women were just being irresponsible! It’s awful.
Don’t know about “period simulator”, but 5 years ago I went through a menopause simulator from the side effects of a prostate med. Nothing like having hot flashes coming out of nowhere during the early days of COVID; talk about paranoia trips…
Max, you are so right. I have been grieving this deeply recently.
Whenever women awaken to the injustice they are expected to live in and embrace, they have been told to submit more, to pray harder, to “love” more extravagantly.
But there has been so much linguisitic sleight of hand. We have been told that “Love” suffers and endures all, but not that Love should also sometimes divorce, cut off, and resist evil by saying NO.
It is not “loving” towards men to let them reign triumphant in sin, holy in selfishness, and self-righteous in cruelty. It’s not our job (nor is it possible for us) to change them, but we can stand our ground and say “I’ can’t let you get away with evil.”
And if they never see it in this life, may Jesus be there to comfort those men on that dark day in the next, when they see who they truly are and the devastation they have brought upon those they claimed to love so much.
In the meantime, we women can stretch our image-bearing muscles, learn to see that God’s mission and kingdom is for us too, that we do not need to accept or embrace cruelty and selfishness as love, and that we do not need to be married or have babies to fulfill our God-given calling to be fruitful and multiply. God never forces or coerces anyone to sacrifice their life. He lets us choose; we are free, and deserve every dignity belonging to a human being, for we are children of God, heirs of the Most High–no matter what small and fearful men (and scared, cornered women) might try to argue to the contrary.
The ways in which your work has opened ny eyes and liberated me from any guilt during the build-up to my divorce 🙌🏼 I cannot thank you enough.
I hope you experience real safety soon!
This blog published on the same day the Netflix documentary about Mica Miller dropped. I had no idea how much sexual entitlement played a role in her story. It’s hard to watch, but I feel like we need Sheila’s commentary on it, it’s just a horrific example of everything Bare Marriage has been saying is wrong with evangelical marriage advice.
I’m not subscribed to Netflix right now but it’s next on my list! I cycle through everything so I don’t pay a ton of streaming fees at any one time, and then when I get back to each service there’s a ton to watch. As soon as Silo and Ted Lasso are all finished on Apple TV I’ll get back to Netflix!
I do the exact same thing! Once I have an entire list of shows I want to watch, I subscribe for a month (after I’ve exhausted the free trial offer, of course). I’m currently subscribed to HBO to watch The Pitt because I loved ER, and I watched Mica’s story on my sister’s Netflix.
It’s rather stark when laid out side-by-side like this.
Personal grooming would be another double standard. Women are encouraged to look nice for their husbands, but little is said about how men’s hygiene (or lack of) can impact a woman’s experience in the bedroom (or otherwise).
Yes, that’s one of the elements on our rubric too! The lopsided demand that she look attractive and lose weight while the husband isn’t even told to brush his teeth and tend to basic hygiene.
Or act like a disgusting pig! My ex passed gas when I was attempting fellatio on him than he had the nerve to get mad when I got angry and refused anymore sex. He said he “couldn’t help it!”. Yeah right. I couldn’t help no more sex either.
Oh wow! That would be a total mood killer!
What ^Sarah^ said.
The large-waisted pastors that loudly and proudly sermonize and condemn that women cannot gain any weight in order to stay attractive drives me bonkers. (I’m not body-shaming; I’m double-standard shaming.)
The preacher delivering his hellfire sermon on some usually-Pelvic Issue Super-Sin while sitting down (because he’s too fat to stand up) is the go-to image for this. And sometimes occurs IRL; I remember long ago seeing video footage of multiple preachers doing this for real.
This isn’t a double standard in marriage per se, but there is this expectation in evangelical culture that men are visually wired and sexually attracted to every woman they see. Meanwhile, if a woman experiences sexual attraction or develops a crush on a man, she is told she is making romance and marriage an idol, and she should focus on Jesus. This double standard is a huge struggle for me personally—logically, I know God created me as a sexual being, but emotionally? I’ve spent much of my young adult life praying that God will make me asexual so I stop “sinning” by being attracted to men.
Oh, Rachel, being attracted to someone is not a sin! That’s how we were wired. I’m sorry that anyone ever told you that!
Reading this, I kept thinking, ‘its teaching men a porn lifestyle.’ while thinking of this quote:
“Bad theology is like pornography- the imagination of a real relationship without the risk of one. It tends to be transactional and proportional, rather than relational and mysterious.” – “Divine Dance” by Richard Rohr
This type of teaching is all about giving the cheapest form of gratification to those that “matter” and ignoring those that “don’t”, and all while play acting at true satisfaction. It’s an illusion, start to finish:
The illusion of intimacy
The illusion of sacrifice
The illusion of love
The illusion of submission
The illusion of respect
The illusion of safety
The illusion of being ‘right’
The illusion of getting along
The illusion of peace
And it’s all sold by the idea that it will achieve (what ends up being the illusion of) God’s favor.
All while ignoring the heartbeat of scripture – actual sacrifice, actual and continued suffering and suffering with others not like us, actually caring, actual conflict and repentance, confession, and restitution, actual heart change… It’s everywhere in scripture.
It actually seems to reflect Isaiah 58: “why have we fasted and you (the Lord) have not noticed?”…
“Is this the fasting I (the Lord) have chosen?… Is it not to loose the chains of injustice, to break every yoke…”
Beautifully put!
“EVANGELICALISM HAS HUGE DOUBLE STANDARDS OF SEXUAL EXPECTATIONS IN MARRIAGE.”
“The Man Penetrates, Colonizes, Conquers, Plants. The Woman Lies Back and Accepts.”
— REVEREND Doug Wilson, Pope of the Palouse, Rajneeshi of Moscow Idaho, and Court Favorite of Secretary of WAR Hesgeth
Great example!