References for These Sexual Double Standards Claims

(This is not an exhaustive list, but rather just an example of what is sprinkled throughout our resources and from the pulpit)

1. Postpartum expectations

Kevin Leman in Sheet Music tells women that they should give handjobs while postpartum (p. 206); so does the book Intended for Pleasure (p. 206). Gary Thomas and Debra Fileta in Married Sex implies that women get aroused giving hand jobs postpartum, making this seem like the norm (p. 69-70). Multiple, multiple examples from social media and sermons can be given telling women that they must not go more than 72 hours without giving their husbands sexual release. 

2. Expectations of comfort

Of the 13 evangelical books we looked at for The Great Sex Rescue, only two handled vaginismus appropriately (Sheet Music and The Gift of Sex). The rest didn’t even mention it, or else insinuated it did not exist or wasn’t a big deal (The Act of Marriage and Intended for Pleasure). Tim Keller’s The Meaning of Marriage gave an anecdote where the couple repeatedly had sex when it hurt, and she didn’t speak up during intercourse, but only said so afterwards, implying this was normal (p. 233). Nowhere did they say you should get help if sex hurts. Vaginismus affects 22% of evangelical women. When books tell women about their obligations to give sex, but do not offer caveats about pain, or even tell women that pain is not normal, then it is assumed that these obligations apply to situations where sex is painful as well.

3. Expectations of emotional connection

Multiple books, like For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn, insinuate that not having sex with a man is the equivalent to him not talking with you for a week. They say that men connect through sex, and so it is not appropriate to withhold it from him, or else he will feel distant. Many books and authors also say that men will open up emotionally if you have sex, and so if you want him to open up, you must give him sex (I’m afraid I also used to teach this!). When books give no caveat for when women can say no to sex, but simply reinforce how much men need it, they tell women that they should have sex even if they feel distant. Our study found that for 18% of women, their primary emotion after sex is feeling used.

4. Expectations of orgasm and pleasure

As I have pointed out repeatedly, the norm when evangelical books talk about sex is to insist how important it is that women give sex, without also saying that orgasm for women is a thing and that orgasm should be mutual. When we have a 47 point orgasm gap in evangelicalism, and yet this gap is rarely if ever mentioned in our resources, it shows that women’s pleasure is not a priority. For instance, Love & Respect’s sex chapter is all about how women owe husbands sex no matter what, and yet it never says a single word about women’s pleasure. Instead, he tells women that a benefit of sex is that it is over so quickly (p. 252).

5. Expectations of frequency

Multiple books and authors quote the “72-hour rule” that Dobson put in a book in 1977, based on no scientific evidence. It is found in The Act of Marriage; Sheet Music; Every Man’s Battle; The Power of a Praying Wife. It has been quoted by Carolyn Mahaney at a Desiring God conference. And yet, again, these same books and authors say nothing about women’s expectations of pleasure.

6. Expectations of healing from betrayal

I heard about a panel where a very well-known megachurch pastor was asked if a wife could say no to sex for 30 days after a husband’s porn disclosure so that they could rediscover intimacy. He said no, because this would be depriving him. No mention was made about how the husband was depriving the wife by using porn. The Every Man’s Battle series tells husbands and wives that when men quit lust and porn, they should acutally have MORE sex with their wives, using them as sexual methadone. Their book Every Heart Restored says: “And why shouldn’t you expect to make sacrifices even in the marriage bed?…On the battlefield of broken sexual trust, your husband must become trustworthy and you must eventually choose to trust again, and that’ll mean sexual sacrifice. It’s self-defeating to worry about which should come first.” (p. 211). Gary Thomas had to take down a blog post saying that having sex can help a man quit porn because of all the outcry.

7. Expectations of real consent

One of the horrifying realities of evangelicalism’s marriage resources is the complete lack of conversation about what consent and coercion look like. Indeed, many of our resources laugh off the reality of marital rape, such as The Act of Marriage (p. 107), Every Heart Restored (p. 15), and His Needs, Her Needs (2011 edition, p. 49), all of which have anecdotes about marital rape but never say that this is bad (and indeed in these anecdotes show sympathy for the husband). When books and pastors don’t define marital rape, but simply say that women must not deprive husbands, then women in these situations feel helpless. And we found that a lot of women are feeling coerced into sex.