What if Emerson Eggerichs is asking men to look nothing like Jesus?
Let’s ask a question: What’s the goal of the Christian life?
Is it to look more and more like Christ? After all, Romans 8:29 tells us that we are to be transformed into the likeness of Jesus. 1 Peter 2:21 tells us that we should “follow in His steps.”
So if we’re living a Christian life, then our actions and attitudes should increasingly look like Jesus, right? This isn’t controversial, is it?
And yet, whenever I critique the book Love & Respect, I’m told I’m rejecting Scripture and going against the Bible (despite the fact that Eggerichs distorts Scripture, even changing the meaning of verses by leaving out key parts).
Today, then, I’d like to do a side-by-side comparison, and look at the kind of ideal man Emerson Eggerichs pushes in his book Love & Respect, compared with who Jesus was and what He taught.
Except that I didn’t write this! One of my readers did (readers send me the best stuff). After reading everything that I wrote on Love & Respect, Jonathan Pettinger did a deep dive and sent the following letter to his church (I’ve edited out the personal stuff). He gave me permission to publish it (so that more see it).
And I’ve also created a lovely download that summarizes this, makes it easy to understand, and makes it super easy to forward this material to people who are using the book!
Emerson Eggerichs vs jesus
One Sheet
How Emerson's Teachings Stack up against The Teaching's of Jesus
Subscribe today to get the free printout to share with your friends, family, and pastors
By Jonathan Pettinger
When a member of our church planned to launch a marriage ministry using Love and Respect, I thought it might be fruitful to jump straight to a question about the spiritual formation of men.
I began to read through Love and Respect with one question in mind, “Does the husband Eggerichs is calling me to be look like the Jesus described by the New Testament?” This is what I found:
1. Jesus loved.
The Bible teaches not only that Jesus loved (Mark 10:21; John 11:5; 13:1, 23; 14:21; 15:9, 12; 19:26; 20:2 are a few examples of this!), but that men and women are created in the image of God (Gen 1:27) who is love (1 John 4:8). Far from being unnatural, loving is one of the attributes of God we are created to reflect.
Emerson Eggerichs says men don’t love naturally.
He writes that “men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally.” (p. 70). Apparently for a man to love is like squeezing into shoes two sizes too small. The Bible doesn’t call men to awkwardly give love so that we can get the respect that we really want. It calls us to know God and by knowing God become people whose lives are marked by love (1 John 4:8). Eggerichs claims women, however, DO love naturally—meaning that he’s suggesting women are made more in the image of God (who is love) than men are, which is clearly heresy.
2. Jesus calls his followers to take responsibility for their actions.
In the Sermon on the Mount Jesus said, “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away; it is better for you to lose one of your members than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand cause you to sin, cut it off and throw it away; it is better for you to lose one of your members than for your whole body to go into hell” (Matthew 5:27-30).
The way that Jesus sets up the scenario is significant. He describes a man lusting after a woman and makes the man who is lusting—and not the woman who is being lusted after—responsible. Jesus’ placement of responsibility on the one who sins might seem obvious to us, but it wasn’t for his listeners. In the first century it was not uncommon to absolve men and blame women for sexual sin (John 8:3-6).
Eggerichs shifts blame for men’s bad behavior to their wives.
Eggerichs offers excuses: “Husbands particularly, can come under satanic attack when deprived of sexual release”; “A man who strays is usually given total blame for his affair, but in many cases he is the victim of temptation that his wife helped to bring upon him.”
3. Jesus came to serve.
In Philippians the Apostle Paul famously reminds readers of Christ’s servanthood and calls them to emulate it. “Let the same mind be in you that was in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not regard equality with God as something to be exploited, but emptied himself, taking the form of a slave, being born in human likeness. And being found in human form, he humbled himself and became obedient to the point of death—even death on a cross” (Philippians 2:5-8).”
Jesus specifically said that we aren’t to go after power and authority, since that is what the Gentiles do. What should mark us as people of faith is that we serve (Matthew 20:25-28).
Eggerichs says men require hierarchy and authority.
Eggerichs insists that men spell respect Conquest, Hierarchy, Authority, Insight, Relationship, Sexuality.
It is worth pausing to sit in the midst of these two contrasting visions of who we are called to be. Jesus told us to eschew power and hierarchy; Eggerichs proudly institutes it for men. Where Eggerichs has conquest, hierarchy and authority, Jesus has emptied, slavery, humbled, obedient and death. You cannot have the mind of Christ who emptied himself, took the form of slave, and humbled himself to the point of death on a cross and simultaneously demand conquest, hierarchy and authority. If we follow Eggerichs we are moving away from Christ, rather than towards him.
4. Jesus was humble.
In Matthew 23:6 Jesus calls his disciples to emulate his humility. ““Do not do as they do…they love to have the place of honour at banquets and the best seats in the synagogues” (Matthew 23:6).
Eggerichs says men’s honor code makes it difficult for them to practice humility.
Eggerichs asks wives to observe a male honour code. He insists that men find it difficult to apologize because they have “a deep sense of honor” and need to be treated as a king. Once again we face a jarring contrast. Jesus says not to seek the places of honor and Eggerichs calls for men to be treated as kings.
Given Eggerichs’s emphasis on a male need for honor it is not surprising that he reads the Biblical story of Esther backwards. Rather than seeing the Persian officials’ actions as a foolish overreaction that reveals their pride and foolishness, Eggerichs says in effect, “See this is the way things are! Men are slaves to their honour code!” (p. 57).
5. Jesus was confident.
Over the course of his ministry Jesus is questioned, challenged, mocked, arrested and crucified. He endures all of this with confidence because he knows what the Father has called him to do (John 5:19).
Eggerichs treats the male ego as a fragile thing that wives must protect.
Rather than calling men towards this kind of confidence Love and Respect charges women with the task of dancing around their fragility. Eggerichs approvingly quotes a letter writer who says, “Thank you for helping me see how fragile a male ego can be. I never realized how much his own self-worth as a husband and a man hinges on a wife’s respect.” (p. 277).
Of course egos can be fragile things, but the solution to a fragile male ego is not to teach wives how to stroke it. The solution to a fragile eg o is to make it strong by seeking to form one’s identity in the right place; not as king of the house, but as a disciple of Christ. We are to seek to form such a deep relationship with Christ that we can face the world’s scorn and say, “I only do what I see my saviour doing.”
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6. Jesus showed compassion for the least of these.
“Then little children were being brought to him in order that he might lay his hands on them and pray. The disciples sternly spoke to those who brought them; but Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not stop them; for it is to such as these that the kingdom of heaven belongs” (Matthew 19:14-14).
Eggerichs views compassion as a feminine, rather than human, trait.
Eggerichs encourages husbands to appreciate their wives’ sensitivity. “Her sensitivity enables her to stay up all night with the kids when they are sick.” The subtext is that husbands are incapable of displaying a Christlike love for the least of these (even their own children!).
7. Jesus made people feel safe.
Children felt safe on his lap (Matthew 19:13-14). A woman who had a discharge of blood felt safe to touch the corner of his garment (Matthew 9:20). A sinful woman felt safe enough to bathe his feet with her tears (Luke 7:38). A Samaritan woman felt safe enough to speak with him at the well (John 4:7-26). The ability to make the vulnerable feel safe is one of Jesus’s most remarkable qualities.
Eggerichs is not concerned for women’s safety.
The same Eggerichs who is so ready to call a man who commits adultery the victim of temptation that his wife has heaped upon him, insists that a woman who lives in fear of her husband’s withering rage (so much so that she wants to run away and hide) is not a victim. He counsels her instead to find creative alternatives to the conflict. One suspects that this woman spends most of her waking hours trying to find alternatives. She needs more than pressure to do more and do better. She needs people who will offer her safety.
I understand that we can read books and see different things.
I understand that we can read books and miss things. I understand that we can disagree about what is good advice and what is bad advice. There is plenty of room for this kind of disagreement. There is no room to introduce into the church a resource that calls men away from the way of Christ.
Thank you, Jonathan!
And, please, download our FREE resource with a synopsis of these 7 points that you can give to any church that is using Love & Respect.
Emerson Eggerichs vs jesus
One Sheet
How Emerson's Teachings Stack up against The Teaching's of Jesus
Subscribe today to get the free printout to share with your friends, family, and pastors
You can also download our one-sheet summary of all of the problems with Love & Respect right here!
What do you think? Why didn’t pastors notice how unlike Jesus this was and say something? Why did this book become a best-seller despite how UNLIKE Jesus it is? Let’s talk in the comments!
News flash for Eggrichs, last time I checked being able to own up to your mistakes was part of being truly honorable! Difficulty apologizing is an ego problem, not an honor problem. Unless he means the sort of “honor” that obsesses over social appearances and gladly sacrifices others to preserve itself. In that case, their “honor” is completely incompatible with Jesus’ teachings. I still wonder how he handles women who want respect. Does he just ignore them? I don’t think I’d get along well with him, since respect is practically a love language to me.
It really does make no sense. So if that’s honor to him, then I guess Jesus wasn’t honourable?
I would guess he chastises women who want respect with, “You are haughty, and have a critical spirit by judging others’ actions as disrespectful. You need to practice some humility and really consider if you are right with God.” At least, that was my experience with the people who idolized the teachings in L&R. 🙄
Yep! And remember: if you correct your husband in any way, you’re disrespectful!
“You are haughty, and have a critical spirit …”
Classic gaslighting.
Since this critique was written by a man, does that mean that Eggy’s supporters can’t criticize it?
Great question!
IMO, this book became a best-seller because it had a rich backer, it enabled selfish men to keep being selfish which made their wives miserable who in turn sought out marriage advice, and because they were so confused by such unChristlike husbandly behavior they believed the book when it taught that they could not possibly understand men. If the contents didn’t make sense it was *their* lack of understanding, discernment, and Spirit-fed wisdom.
I’d guess by the time those wives were seeking out help from a marriage book, they’d had their self-esteem fairly run down by the selfish husbands and were desperate;y ready to accept it as truth because it lined up with how their husbands behaved. Then, once a few wives fawned enough to see a “change” in the husbands, they started telling other women how it saved their marriage. Then more desparate wives started trying it out while the rich backer kept peddling it as a miracle cure. By the time enough wives realized the results were utter rubbish, enough copies had been sold to have the backing of “# of copies sold” as an advertisement.
A former pastor recommended EMB without ever reading it because 1. best seller and 2. had been recommended by men who struggled with lusting and porn consumption. I think many pastors just don’t get around to reading all these resources since they are often so busy with other congregational matters.
As Christians we are often taught to trust other Christians and not the world, and that it is ungodly to suspect others of mal-intent if they are “Christian.” So you are to assume the best always or be going against God.
I think this is really true–lots of pastors didn’t read it, and just relied on the fact that it was a best-seller and it sounded like a proposition they could get behind.
But lots who did read it still recommended it…for the reason that I think you mentioned. It fit with their pre-conceived notions.
The ideas in Love and Respect weren’t new when it was published. I remember those things being taught in the 80s and 90s in my church, long before I was married (!) and more than a decade before L&R came out. (And btw, I married got stupid young, so I was hearing these messages as a child and teen.) I think it did so well because people were already used to hearing those ideas, and then FotF promoted it really hard to reinforce the ideas even more.
Yes, Dobson really popularized the love/respect dichotomy, and then got Eggerichs to put it into a book which made it go viral. But it was there before.
Part 3 “Jesus came to serve”
It is to be remembered that Satan tempted Jesus with Conquest, Hierarchy, and Authority of the entire world when He was in the desert, and Jesus rejected all of it!
Absolutely!
Wow, that’s a great point.
This is a great synopsis. I love that a man wrote this. Of course the writer’s gender shouldn’t matter but we all know that there are plenty of settings where a man’s critique would get a hearing and a woman’s wouldn’t.
The problem of Christians not expecting Christian men to actually BE Christlike is much bigger than EE/LR of course. We’ve all seen so many examples of it, and thanks to scholars like Kristin du Mez and Beth Allison Barr we know that our individual experiences are part of a much larger pattern (which is still playing out on a world stage, IMO). I don’t know what it will take to change that, or even if we can. But it’s heartening to hear from men who also see what’s happening. We need more of them! Keep telling these stories!
Absolutely. It’s amazing that the only people they expect to act like Christ are women. It’s like the book It’s Good To Be a Man which literally tells men they don’t have to follow Jesus, but just Adam, because Jesus’ example isn’t complete yet.
“ the book It’s Good To Be a Man which literally tells men they don’t have to follow Jesus, but just Adam”
Well, at least he’s saying it directly?? I don’t like to throw around the term heresy, but in all seriousness, if you’re not even pretending you’re trying to be like Jesus, what is the actual point? Is your faith just a license to act like an entitled a** your whole life, then a get-out-of-hell-free card for the afterlife?
If that isn’t hesesy, I don’t know what is…
Jesus did explicitly warn that not everyone who says “Lord, Lord” will be admitted into His kingdom. People who try to make a mockery of Him will reap what they have sown… and since God avenges the oppressed, they’re going to be for a dollop of God’s vengeance too. I would NOT want to be in their shoes on the day of judgment.
I completely agree. The book is absolute heresy. It shows how the people who read it have no interest in actually being like Jesus but simply want power for themselves.
That sounds like some book! Who wrote it?
The average Christian woman does most or all of these things day in, day out with no recognition (and too often they are over-responsible and over-humble to the point of utter humiliation to boot).
So that makes the average Christian woman a whole lot more like Jesus than these self-designated “advanced” and “mature” and “knowledgeable” “Christian” men, who appear to be “like Jesus” only because they happen to also have a penis.
LOL! ‘they happen to also have a penis’ — and probably an uncircumcised Gentile one at that, so they don’t really have much to boast about at all…
It is really frustrating indeed.
I must have been remembering Screwtape Letters, #26:
“…a man will live long in the Enemy’s camp before he undertakes as much spontaneous work to please others as a quite ordinary woman may do every day.”
🔥🔥Well written! Thank you, Jonathan! And thanks for publishing it, Sheila!