Ephesians 5 calls husbands to submit too.
But whenever we talk about men submitting, so many men take offense to that!
I wrote up this super quick overview of Ephesians 5 on social media last week, and it went so big that I thought I’d post it here, too, so people would have something simple to access and forward on to people!
Whenever it’s pointed out that Ephesians 5:21 tells all believers to submit to one another—and this includes husbands to wives—many Christian men protest, “Oh, no! It’s wives who have to submit!”
Let’s check this out in more detail.
First, let’s take a bird’s eye view of the Ephesians 5 marriage passage.
Ephesians 5:21 clearly commands Christians to submit to one another. Ephesians 5:22 says “wives, to your husbands…” The verb “submit” is not there in the original Greek; it takes its meaning from Ephesians 5:21.
So wives submit IN THE SAME WAY that we all submit to one another. In other words, it’s not about authority or power or decision-making, or else it wouldn’t make sense.
Submission instead is about deference, humility, and service, as Jesus talks about in Matthew 20:25-28 and as Paul talks about in Philippians 2:5-11.
And thus Paul writes, “wives, to your husbands…”
Interestingly, there is no actual command to women given in this whole passage. In Greek, the verbs more give the meaning of, “wives, as you are already doing…”
The commands actually go to the men.
Men are commanded to love their wives. Not lead their wives—LOVE their wives.
And then Paul goes into detail about how Jesus treated the church, using feminine imagery (wash; cleanse; make sure there are no wrinkles). He turns everything upside down and elevates the more feminine activities!
Even the idea that men are “head” is not about authority. There IS a Greek word for head that means authority; Paul deliberately uses the one that DOESN’T mean that, but is more about unity. He’s stressing unity, not power!
And at the very end, he says, “husbands, love your wives, in order that wives respect their husbands.” (In the Greek, grammatically, there’s a “hina” purpose clause, saying that one thing causes the other.) So he’s saying—guys, if you want her to respect you, then love her!
Paul’s explaining how both husbands and wives submit.
Paul starts out by saying, “submit to one another”, and then he says, “wives, by submitting as you are already doing,” and then he says, “men, here’s how you do it.” The emphasis in this passage is towards the husbands, because they’re the ones, in that culture, who needed to change.
Okay, now let’s get back to today’s husbands and submission.
If Paul is telling men, “here’s what submission looks like for you,” why are men so often offended by that? Why do men not want to submit?
Because they are still seeing the Christian life, and marriage in particular, as a “power over” relationship, where they get to have power over their wives. Even though Paul clearly says that’s not what it’s about, that’s how they see it.
Submission, then, is seen not as a general attitude of service and deference, but instead a power relationship where women are under men.
And if you see submission as being about power, then obviously men can’t submit, because men, in their minds, are supposed to have the power.
But we are supposed to have the mind of Christ—and Christ rejected that completely! In Matthew 20:25-28, he tells us that we aren’t to go after power and authority, but are instead to serve.
That’s what submission is.
And men should do it too.
Because the Bible says so!
That’s the super quick bird’s eye view of Ephesians 5.
For more on this, please see:
- My interview with Cynthia Westfall about Ephesians 5:33 (the Love & Respect verse)
- Marg Mowczko’s website, and her writings on Ephesians 5
- My podcast on my personal journey understanding Ephesians 5
Our new book, The Marriage You Want, doesn’t go into the theology behind Ephesians 5, but rather what it looks like when it’s lived out in different ways.
We found in our matched pair survey that when couples believe that the husband has the tie breaking vote in marriage, and think that submission is about the husband being in authority over the wife, all kinds of bad things happen.
Just a few data points:
- When a husband believes that he has the tie-breaking vote in marriage, he is 66% MORE LIKELY to say, “my spouse doesn’t know how to help me when I’m stressed.”
- But when a wife believes her husband has the tie-breaking vote, she is 71% more likely to say, “my spouse doesn’t know how to make me laugh.”
KEY TAKEAWAY: The belief that one partner gets to have a veto negatively impacts friendship between spouses.
This belief in one-sided submission isn’t the best interpretation of the Bible. It doesn’t line up with Jesus’ teaching. It doesn’t line up with Jesus’ heart.
And it ALSO bears bad fruit!
But becoming partners who serve one another as you run after Jesus together? THAT bears good fruit!
Check out The Marriage You Want for more. And let’s start spreading the word that healthy and biblical don’t have to be polar opposites!
What do you think? Why are men so afraid of submission? Have we lost the point of submission? Let’s talk in the comments!
“Because I don’t want to be treated the way I’ve been treating women.”—a whole bunch of “christian” men
Jo, that is exactly where my brain went….I have created a system that I am aware sucks for anyone under it, of course I don’t want to subject myself to a system I know is terrble.
In more seriousness, for the entire system to work, submission has to be a one-sided women only thing so that men are in complete power. If men submit too, the entire house of cards falls and maybe men being in authority isn’t true which is more than men want to think about.
Men are in truly complete power under their insane “submission” system. not only are they not accountable to their wives, this is ordained by God so they don’t have to be accountable even God Himself.
Beware of a God who “Ordains” you do everything you were going to do anyway.
A God who always Agrees Completely with You.
Because that’s not a god, that’s a familiar spirit under control of the Sorcerer who summoned and bound it.
Most definitely!
Because they can only tnink in terms of Dominance and Sumbission and Power.
When you can only think in terms of Power, there are only two choices:
Hold the Whip or Feel the Whip, nothing else, nothing in-between.
Sheila, I think you’ve mentioned the “head” thing before. Paul chose the word “kephali”, which translates to “head”, but means champion, protector, nurturer, etc.
Two verses from Matthew 20 that are appropriate
whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant
the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve
Yes, exactly!
Nathan and Sheila , where are you getting that the word Kephale means what you are saying it means? I am researching it on blue letter Bible in the Greek lexicon and Strongs info and cross referenced with other verses and it doesn’t seem to say what either of you two are saying…..
Philip Payne has done extensive research on this, and Strong’s does not use the best or newest material, and is biased against women. This has been shown time and time again. When you look at ancient Greek manuscripts, kephale did NOT mean authority. Many have critiqued Wayne Grudem for this too; there are plenty of scholarly papers on it, or you can read Philip Payne’s The Bible vs. Biblical Womanhood, or here’s a shorter paper he wrote on it. Here’s an article Marg Mowczko wrote on it, and she has plenty more on her site.
I think both men and women are afraid to submit because of the way things have been taught in church and Christian books about marriage. The way it I interpreted these teachings was that I would no longer get to have rights and I had to do everything the way my husband wanted. At least, that’s what it was like in my first marriage. If this was what God really wanted, then why would I want to be a Christian?
It took me years to be okay with just learning that God is fine when a couple works as equal partners. I think the submission teachings get overspiritualized. For example, if wives just remain under their husbands’ protection as he is the head, then God will bless their (more like her) obedience. If you just stay in your lanes, then the devil cannot come after you. Or if wives just let their husbands manage the checkbook even if they are bad at it, God will bless their finances. But if a wife, who happens to do well with money management, handles the finances, then God will be disappointed in her. Didn’t God give each of us a brain and common sense?
I am beyond thankful that my husband believes in mutual submission. We submit to God first, then each other and that has nothing to do with prescribed gender roles. We consult each other about everything and take it to God.
I think for men, submitting sounds degrading because they’ve been taught that they’re men so they get to be in charge. It’s their God-given right (sounds like something I heard Jimmy Evans say). It’s also they culture they’ve been ingrained in. But, there are plenty of men who are not that way and realize that equality in a relationship is necessary in order for it to function well.
Yes, and it’s those men who realize that who make good marriage partners!
Also, Paul defines what love looks like in action in 1 Cor. 13, which explicitly says that love “does not insist on its own way.”
I really fail to see the big deal of treating your wife as an equal partner. Each of us has expertise in areas that the other doesn’t. It would be stupid to go off half cocked because I refused to acknowledge that she knows more about a situation than I do. I don’t have anything to prove to anybody.
Besides, any wife that’ll voluntarily get up and come out to a cold barn at 3:00 in the morning to help you pull a calf as mine did last night and two hours later covered in blood and calf slop, look up at you with a big grin while she’s drying the calf off has a value greater than rubies.
What about the nominally complementarian, functionally egalitarian relationships where men are, in fact submitting to their wives too but no one is allowed to say so? I’ve seen this in a lot of church spaces and my own parents operated this way. In that context, acknowledging you’re actually deferring to your wife as much as she is to you might feel emasculating and potentially like a spiritual failing. Not to mention it would really rock the boat in a lot of church communities.
Very true!
“Not to mention it would really rock the boat in a lot of church communities.”
It’s not only chickens who peck a Defective to death in the barnyard.
“Beware Thou of the Mutant.”
“What about the nominally complementarian, functionally egalitarian relationships where men are, in fact submitting to their wives too but no one is allowed to say so?”
Another angle on this is that in a Complementarianist culture where Boyz Rule and Gurlz Drool, the only way for a woman to have power or influence or any say in any matter is indirectly, by manipulating her Compy Hubby. who holds the whip. This leads to some really nasty manipulation (up to its most blatant form of “pussy politics”) that cannot even be mentioned because that would rock the Compy boat. A further side effect is even if it’s never mentioned (that the Queen is calling the shots for the King like a Grima Wormtongue), it’s going to be obvious to other men. This in turn depens the distrust these men already have for women and makes them even more determined to crush them down permanently rather than risk being pussywhipped themselves. Not only bad all around, but synergistic in that the two amplify each other in a race to the bottom.
P.S. “Complemenatiranist”? That’s a mouthful. And I thought Cold War Marxpeak was longwinded and stilted.
I’m 34 male and pray daily to be able to serve God in marriage. I am glad I found your website so many years ago to prepare for my first wife.
I think a lot of Christian men don’t understand what godly submission is and use the example from the world. The enemy wants to destroy marriages and separate a husband and wife from what God has for them. A marriage is a covenant with one man and one woman under God. I am looking forwards to submitting to my future wife and showing her the love of Jesus. I know it can be difficult but I can do all things through Jesus Christ who strengthens me. Thank you Sheila and team for your much need ministry and God bless you all.
Sheila, thank you for your work.
I had heard your podcast awhile back about the Ephesians 5:33 verse in the original Greek. It changed my life.
I would like to learn Greek and the New Testament more so I know what was truly said in the original manuscripts versus what “authoritative” men or women say today.
What do you recommended? Thank you.
Are you familiar with Marg Mowczko? She has her own website as well as being being on Facebook.
She has many, MANY articles on all the NT clobber verses as well as many other passages, and she also has this particular page for getting started learning koine Greek:
https://margmowczko.com/freebies-for-students-of-new-testament-greek/
(I don’t if ahe keeps it up to date or not.)
Yes, Marg does keep it up to date and is always posting new stuff! She’s a great follow on social media too (her accounts are just her name so you can search for them!)
I am not familiar with her, but I will most certainly take a look at the link you posted.
Thank you for sharing!
“Okay, now let’s get back to today’s husbands and submission.”
AKA paraphrasing a 1960s Excedrin radio commercial (“Excedrin Headache Number XXX” series):
“Me Man. Me want fill-in-the-blank.
You Woman. You Shut Up.”
Except these guys excuse is God, not that they have a raging headache and are lashing out.
I think men have a bit of a double bind here.
In order to “be a good man” and be respected in the community, there is a strong message (and not even a wrong one!) that they need to be a strong leader. They need to “win” in life. Submission sounds and feels like losing, being weak, following. Unfortunately, men and women are often pit against each other when they are not enemies (not meant to be anyway!) Men and women are on the SAME TEAM! When you put down one, the other loses. When you lift up one, the other wins.
The truth is life is full of Paradox, and part of great leadership and strength is submitting to the right people in the right contexts!
I had a disagreement with my husband over his vulgar/coarse language around our 2 year old daughter and it came up when my husband’s cousin was over, and after a lengthy discussion he brought up that “I don’t know your relationship dynamic, but in mine we believe the husband has the final say”. All I responded with is that we’re both supposed to submit to each other, and if I’ve seen that dynamic abused way too much. I think most men just refuse to consider their wives opinions and don’t care if their actions are hurting her… And then we’re the ones called controlling because we try to talk about it.
Yes, I hate that dynamic when women who speak up for what is right are called controlling, while men who actually do try to control are simply called “leading.”