How Sexual Abuse Survivors Can Develop Sexual Confidence

by | Jan 26, 2018 | Abuse, Uncategorized | 8 comments

How can you develop sexual confidence if your past of sexual abuse has made that difficult? Here are some ideas for you and your spouse to work through to get on a road towards healing together.
Orgasm Course

I don’t believe that survivors of sexual abuse need to be scarred forever sexually.

I do believe that you can still have a great sex life. At least, I truly want to believe that. And this week I’ve cried a lot of tears over it.

Like many of you, I started watching some of the Larry Nassar victim impact statements out of curiosity, and that led to watching more, and more, culminating in watching Rachael Denhollander’s final statement.

Rachael was the one who got the media and the courts to take the case against Larry Nassar seriously. She was the first to go to the police, after meticulously collecting records, affidavits, medical research (to show that what he was doing was not proper medical procedure), and more, and she was so poised and confident that they took her seriously.

She has been relentless, and because of her, 180 women found their voice last week. It’s just amazing.

And Rachael delivered such a great speech. She somehow managed to marry Christ’s mantle of humility found in Philippians 2 to Jesus turning over the money changers’ tables, and did it all in 45 minutes. She was poised, articulate, and icy at times, and yet so compassionate. She even managed to share the gospel!

You can watch her speech here or read the transcript (although you really need to see her delivery when she says, “how much is a little girl worth?” and, after reciting all the mistakes made by MSU, asking, “is this the right way or the wrong way to handle sexual abuse?”)

But as I watched many of the victims speak, a few things really struck me.

Sexual assault of all types truly impacts women and girls for years.

I don’t think those who have not been sexually assaulted truly recognize how devastating it can be. These girls were digitally penetrated and groped in a variety of ways, but they were not penetrated in other ways. Yet the emotional repercussions these girls listed were terrible–anxiety, nightmares, inability to trust, inability to form close friendships, difficulty with intimacy, agoraphobia, so many more. Many girls changed their careers over fear. Many didn’t pursue careers. Many withdrew.

We sometimes say things flippantly, like, “at least she wasn’t raped.” But being violated matters. When someone takes something from you that should be private, it matters.

How can you develop sexual confidence if your past of sexual abuse has made that difficult? Here are some ideas for you and your spouse to work through to get on a road towards healing together.

I wonder if, as a society, we forget how devastating that can be.

It is something that fundamentally transforms how you see yourself and others. It isn’t just a moment that you need healing from; you need to relearn how to react to the world and process what’s happening in the world, because your life has completely changed.

I’m going to say something that may sound sexist here, so forgive me, especially all the men who read my blog. But I’m not sure that many men truly understand how devastating this is. There is a subgroup of men who understand, of course, because we have many male victims of sexual abuse. And there are many men who are compassionate and do understand. But too often I hear men say things like, “well, it was twenty years ago”, as if she should be over it by now. I don’t think some men realize how this changes everything about how she sees herself and others. It’s like there’s a line that goes through her life, and everything is a different colour now. It’s not just a scab that needs healing; it’s fundamental.

But at the same time–I don’t want women stuck in that new, sad way of seeing the world.

I know that this impacts you. I know it has the potential to change your whole life. But I don’t want it to.

I want you to be free. 

And so I want to revive a conversation I’ve started lately about how sexual abuse and sexual assault survivors can reclaim sexual confidence, because I do think it’s possible.

I think it starts with emotional healing, which comes from a work that Christ does in your heart. It comes with recognizing how angry Jesus is at what was done to you. It comes from seeing that there is ultimate justice in Christ, and that Jesus will be your advocate. It comes from seeing that you matter so much to God, and that He sees you as a beautiful, whole person, and you are allowed to see yourself that way, too. It comes from praying and learning more about Jesus and looking to Jesus, so that, as you grow closer to Him, the Spirit does an incredible transformative work on the inside that you may not even realize is going on. Until one day you wake up, and realize that the world has changed colour again.

I think it also comes with emotional healing with your husband. Our husbands can be incredible for us as we heal, because they can show us gentleness, and kindness, and unconditional love.

But it also comes with owning your own sexuality again.

Someone took it from you. Your sexuality is something that you are supposed to express, and someone stepped in and stole it, leaving you feel helpless. And now you don’t feel like it’s yours anymore.

But it is.

And I think that finding our sexuality again comes in two phases: reclaiming touch and reclaiming power.

How to Reclaim Touch When You’ve Been a Sexual Abuse Survivor

We teach kids about “bad touch” and “good touch” so that they recognize abuse. But the problem is that after you’ve been abused, all touch can seem like bad touch–or at least far too much touch can be bad. You may flinch when he touches you when you weren’t expecting it. Certain parts of your body may be off limits. So what do you do?

You be the aggressor and you be the one who touches

I often recommend that women be the ones who do the touching at first. Have him lie still and tell him not to move, and you be the one to explore him. If you don’t have the “threat” that he may move, then you have the freedom to be sexual without worrying that something that you don’t want may be coming. That can be empowering!

Add massage to your marriage

I’m also a big proponent of massage.

1. Massage tends to be given in a non-threatening position.

There’s no direct eye-to-eye contact. And they even recommend starting in a seated position.

2. The person giving the massage is in control and it’s empowering.

I’d suggest even starting this way–if you’re the survivor, you become the masseuse first.

3. Receiving a massage is a good way to bring down barriers.

Once you’re more relaxed, you can switch places and be on the receiving end. And that’s a way to have your husband touch you without it being overtly sexual. And you just get used to it!

4. Over time the nature of relaxation makes it difficult to stay locked up and tense.

Massage actually releases endorphins and releases tension, so that you start to associate his touch with relaxation. But massage can also be a real emotional eye opener. As you relax, sometimes these deep, hidden emotions come up. And couples can then deal with these, and it can be quite cathartic. (If emotions ever get too much, of course, please talk to a counsellor. But this is often a safe way to let some of those feelings out).

5. Massage is nurturing and caring.

Finally, touching someone to massage them is touching them to heal and help them, not to take from them. So when you need to get reclaim touch, this is a great way to do it!

I’m not a sexual abuse survivor, but I still love massage! I still have a lot of hurt in my life, as does my husband, and we just find that massage helps us minister to each other.

And, of course, once you have gotten used to touching each other and helping each other relax, it can also be quite sexy! For anyone who has a hard time revving up their libido, for whatever reason, massage can be a godsend.

Reclaim power: Choose sexual positions that put you in control

When you’re trying to reclaim your sexual confidence, choose sexual positions where you are in control. The nature of sexual abuse and assault means that your pleasure isn’t even considered. Sex becomes entirely about the guy and him getting pleasure from you. (Sometimes when a man is assaulting a small child, he may try to give pleasure, but it’s not real. It’s still stealing from her).

This is a way to ensure that sex is about your pleasure and what you feel, and helps you reclaim the whole thing!

Finally, choose sexual things that are personal

This one is a little more difficult. When you’re starting to heal, it can be easier to treat him like an object, to try to make sex less personal, because being personal is too intense a feeling. Too many emotions are involved.

But as you get used to touch, as you are able to relax, as you feel a little more confident–try to let sex be personal. Look in his eyes. Use his name. Really touch each other.

Let sex be intimate, which was what it was designed for. Because I think the best healing of sexual abuse takes place when we are finally able to truly be intimate in this way. It may take some time. You may have to learn how to touch again. But once you do, please let yourself truly know him. Because when we finally let ourselves be truly known, and when we finally truly know someone else–that, I think, is when we can finally let ourselves feel truly loved again.

 

Many thanks to Rachael Denhollander this week for being so Christlike–so fierce and compassionate at the same time. I am still in awe. She was put on this earth for such a time as this, and the world was truly not worthy of her. And I am so, so very proud of her.

Written by

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Tags

Recent Posts

Want to support our work? You can donate to support our work here:

Good Fruit Faith is an initiative of the Bosko nonprofit. Bosko will provide tax receipts for U.S. donations as the law allows.

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Author at Bare Marriage

Sheila is determined to help Christians find biblical, healthy, evidence-based help for their marriages. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8

Related Posts

How Reading The Excellent Wife Affected Me Personally

The Excellent Wife is a horribly depressing book to read. It was profoundly heavy and sad. When I started writing these onesheets, they didn’t really affect me that much. Most of the books I was going to be reading were ones I had read already, or were ones I had read...

Comments

We welcome your comments and want this to be a place for healthy discussion. Comments that are rude, profane, or abusive will not be allowed. Comments that are unrelated to the current post may be deleted. Comments above 300 words in length are let through at the moderator’s discretion and may be shortened to the first 300 words or deleted. By commenting you are agreeing to the terms outlined in our comment and privacy policy, which you can read in full here!

8 Comments

  1. Lisa V in BC

    Thank you for your posts. I have just read this and want to offer another route to healing for those who struggle with the past. Traumatic events can lead to trapped emotions and when we don’t know how to release those emotions they can haunt us for years.

    The Emotion Code was written by Dr. Bradley Nelson and he is offering his starter kit which includes the ebook, an audiobook of Dr. Nelson reading his book and charts to guide you as you release your trapped emotions for free when you sign up for his email list – I listened to the ebook over 3 days and have been tremendously blessed as I follow his recommendations and release emotions that have been trapped for more than 30 years. I know it sounds strange, and as a Christian it did make me uncomfortable when I first started listening & learning about this, but I have gained confidence that this is a gift from God for this time as I have prayed through the release, soaked myself in reading His Word and giving glory to Him as my creator and Healer. The Emotion Reset Coach has also helped with his assurance that he trusts in God’s ability to keep him safe more than the devil’s ability to trap him.

    One of the things I appreciate most is that using The Emotion Code, we re-visit the past in order to release the trapped emotions, but we do NOT need to re-live the past in order to receive relief from the pain. It is possible and I highly recommend checking out these resources – I am not a practitioner and am not making any money by recommending these, I am just a person who is so thankful for this good and perfect gift from God.

    I’ll share my FB page as well as a link to the Starter Kit and The Emotion Reset Coach’s FB page (he does give a lot of free information but is an Emotion Code practitioner so that may be helpful for those who would appreciate some help working through this). I am planning to work through The Emotion Code in my “Finding Joy in my Wellness Journey” FB Group as well if anybody would like some free support in their journey 🙂 The link to my group can be found on my FB Page.

    The Emotion Code Starter Kit: https://healerslibrary.lpages.co/emotion-code-gift/
    My FB Page: https://www.facebook.com/lisavinbc/
    The Emotion Reset Coach’s Christian Guide to Energy Healing and Holistic Mental Health FB Group (He does give lots of free info, but is a practitioner looking for clients as well): https://www.facebook.com/groups/1302347749869129/

    Reply
    • Sheila Gregoire

      Oh, thank you for that! I appreciate that so much. That sounds really helpful.

      Reply
      • Lisa V in BC

        You are so welcome & I pray that it will be helpful & healing for those willing to check it out!

        Reply
  2. Jessica

    Southwest Michigan resident here – Rachael Denhollander’s hometown is where I live. I don’t personally know her but I know a moderate amount of people who know her well, and she and my brother worked on the same campaign for a spell. She is the real deal.

    And now I’ve forgotten what I came here to say because I’m too busy crying after having read through her recent Facebook posts, where she lists all the victims. I didn’t make it through all the posts. I also realized that one of the other 3 women who were part of the trial, is the daughter of a teacher I knew in college. My husband said that he knew another one from high school.

    Anyway, I’ve seen this baking among my facebook friends who know Rachael (she and I both comment semi-frequently on the same mutual friend’s stuff, so I’ve seen a fair bit from her) for several years and what I’ve read about her final comments are both exactly what I would expect from her and awe-inspiring. My mom and I were just talking about it (Rachael is about my sister’s age and my mom is pretty sure they ran in the same home schooling circles years ago), and I said that I feel like I understand a little better why so many victims of sexual abuse don’t come forward because of the cost of coming forward – spending hours testifying and being cross-examined, being internationally known (I’ve seen the video shared on many, many sites, not localized to Michigan), and so on, all to bring justice. That’s a hard road. And then to go through all that and spend 45 minutes to ultimately share the gospel. She is amazing. I’ve often thought well before this that I wish I knew her better and now after this, I feel even more so.

    Reply
    • Sheila Gregoire

      Oh, isn’t that the truth? I found myself imagining heaven this week, and hoping that Rachael lives near me so we can have tea together! I’d love to learn more about her. She really does seem lovely.

      Reply
  3. Chareen Rushworth

    Is there a way to get the course discount with out buying the oil?

    Reply
  4. Sarah

    I watched some of Rachael’s statement and then became transfixed watching the statements of many of the other women who made victim impact statements. This morning I was watching clips of the Grammys from this weekend. Kesha performing her song Praying seems like the perfect musical expression of so many of these women’s voices. There’s strength, pain, grace and so many other human experiences wrapped up in both the spoken and sung words.

    Reply
    • Sheila Gregoire

      I know! I got so caught up last week watching the testimony. It was wonderful that they had that opportunity, and I hope people listened!

      I saw a graphic this morning that more people have been googling Larry Nassar than even googled Sandusky. So maybe this is having a big impact!

      Reply

Submit a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *