PODCAST EXTRAS: 2 Keys to a Successful Marriage, Why Did I Lose My Libido, and More!

by | Mar 7, 2019 | Uncategorized | 14 comments

It’s time for all of our extras from the Bare Marriage podcast!

I hope you all will listen, but if you don’t have time, I’ll have some links and rabbit trails below so you can read all you want as well!

And consider this podcast “extras”. If you want to go deeper into what I talked about in the podcast, here are some more things to help you.

But first, here’s the podcast:

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Main Segment: The 2 Keys to a Successful Marriage

We’ve been talking on the blog this month and on the podcasts recently about how sex is meant to be mutual, and we’ll be finishing that series up next week on both the blog and the podcast. But I didn’t want the podcast to get too repetitive, and I felt called to say something that I think is a hopeful message.

We’ve been dealing with some heavy topics on the blog lately, and I’ve been receiving a ton of emails from people in lousy marriage situations. Last week, I asked on Facebook for people to give me some happy marriage stories–and hundreds of you did (Thank you!) I turned those into a “happy” post for Tuesday on the things that my readers appreciate about marriage. And I thought I’d keep that going with 2 pieces of advice that really can be marriage changing: 2 small things that are the biggest predictors of a happy marriage. They’re just small little things that you do everyday. I mentioned them in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, and I invite you to listen in to what they are today, too!

I also promised in that segment that I’d point you to the MBTI and marriage posts I did earlier in August about personality differences. Here are just two, but if you click through you’ll find the links to lots more!

Honestly, these two things are really what I was getting at in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage. When you change the way you think by changing what you’re looking for, it really can change your marriage!

Do you have a hard time asking for what you want?

You can change the dynamic in your marriage and make talking about your own needs easier!

If your marriage is in a communication rut, it’s time for some change.

Millennial Marriage: Choose to Not Take Each Other for Granted

With thanks to Revell for sponsoring this segment on behalf of Dr. Ron Welch’s book 10 Choices Successful Couples Make! It’s a great book for both husbands and wives about how to build intimacy in very practical ways. I already wrote about his choice to face unspoken truths, which I found really insightful. What he says about understanding the process of conflict rather than the subject of conflict is so important as well.

Today Becca and I discussed how to make sure you don’t take each other for granted, and we were talking about having that marriage check-in, but also just making sure you don’t get too busy, but that you honestly enjoy just doing life together. Some posts that I referenced:

Reader Question: I Lost My Libido Right Before the Wedding

A reader writes in with a question I can totally relate to!

I have struggled with my libido ever since I got married. I can remember in the week leading up to my wedding my body just like switched off and didn’t respond to any touch or anything, and I feel like I haven’t been able to find my libido ever since. Even when I have my period my body is not the same as what it used to be.  I just feel like I don’t even have a libido at all. Do you have any suggestions on why this might be?

I experienced something very similar. I remember the moment when panic started and my body froze. And it was largely because I felt like I no longer had control over my body.

Now, yes, that’s what 1 Corinthians 7 says–our bodies belong to our husbands, and vice versa. And that’s true. But that also is a very harmful message if you don’t also understand the rest of what the Bible says about sex. If you don’t understand that sex was created for you, too; that it was meant to be mutual; that your needs matter–well, it’s very easy to feel panicky.

I told her about my own experience, and encouraged her to do some reading and talk to her husband and start to see sex in a different way. And, honestly, my Boost Your Libido course can help, too!

Are you TIRED of always being too tired?

Do you yearn to actually WANT to make love–and figure out what all the fuss is about?

There is a way! And in this 10-module course I take you through what libido is (it may surprise you!), what affects libido, and how we can reclaim the excitement that God made us for.

Comment: Let’s Speak up about Bad Teaching around Sex!

If we all spoke up more and corrected some misinformation about the teaching around sex, then we’d have fewer women panicky the way that I was–and the way our reader was. And we’d have fewer women with no libidos, and fewer women receiving nothing out of sex.

So when you hear something bad, speak up! That was the theme of several comments and emails that came in this week. After last week’s post on how women are more likely to be deprived, one woman wrote:

I have long wondered who came up with the idea that the half the population that is in possession of a clitoris and capable of successive orgasms is the LESS sexual half. If I may say it in a way that you are way too nice to men: if you think your wife is less sexual, you might just be bad in bed.
I would argue, however, with your point that “It’s not always (or even mostly) men who are doing this to women. It’s women ourselves…” I agree that it is women themselves in as far as they’ve internalized the purity message. But that message was preached largely by men (think about who heads most churches, authors most books, etc.), so in that sense it is men who have done this to women. They need to apologize (like Josh Harris) and, as you suggested, “start a different conversation.”
Thank you so much; I hope men hear you and really change the conversation. Men are, unfortunately, still more likely to listen to other men than to women, so if we could get a few to get our message out, that would really help.

I also received this email:

After reading your posts online about the Love and Respect book, I was quite upset to see that it is currently offered in our church library.  I brought up the topic with my husband and sister who both (rightly) advised that I read the book before officially requesting that it be removed from the church library.  I’ve read half the book and don’t have the will to read it fully.  It is so discouraging.  I found that for a book about love and respect, it sure wasn’t written in a loving and respectful manner.

(I don’t think you all have to read the book to discard it–I tried to write a detailed synopsis as I could, and I wrote over 10,000 words that week about it, so don’t spend the time! Honestly, there are great books to read. Better to spend the little time you do have to read books reading one of those great books!)

But I like her temerity here. She saw that the church library had something that was harmful in it, and she spoke up. It’s okay to speak up. It’s by speaking up that more people will understand what healthy sex is.

It’s honestly my belief, too, that most people are well-meaning. They don’t realize how toxic teaching like this is. When we point it out, it’s likely that they will listen (not always, but it is likely). Because what I’m saying is that sex should be mutual and that women matter. That’s the biblical view of sex. That’s God’s message about sex. There’s no reason for a true Bible-believing Christian to reject it. So let’s speak up and change this conversation!

That’s it for this week. I hope you’ll take my challenge from the beginning of the podcast and try those two simple things this week (listen in for more). They’re nothing to do with sex, but if you do them, you’ll feel closer to your husband (and that will help your sex life anyway!).

Next week we’ll be finishing off our talk about how sex should be mutual, and I have some great things to share. But in the meantime, let me know in the comments: Did anything really resonate with you this week? Let’s talk!

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Sheila Wray Gregoire

Author at Bare Marriage

Sheila is determined to help Christians find biblical, healthy, evidence-based help for their marriages. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8

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14 Comments

  1. Phil

    Hey Becca – I would debate you on date night. I think I hear what your sayin. However the thing that maybe was mentioned but not focused on is that is important to have structured 1 on 1 time together. If that means spending $50 on a date or just snuggling at home it doesnt matter. Wednesday night is date night for me and Grace. I cannot begin to tell you how important that statement is for us and it often makes others envious. The kids know its date night too. When you have three kids if you dont have that structured set time let me tell you how easy it is to get sucked into something else. We rarely spend more than $10 and often we spend $0. Last night we dropped our kids at our church and then went to a different church for a service and that was free! We got to socialize with new people and we even found one we knew too! Sometimes we actually go back to the house after we drop the kids and have sex
    or watch family videos or just hang out. We have talked money or go over essential topics of planning or even run errands. Anyway I just wanted to point out to you how imperative it is for couples specifically with kids to have that structured set time to spend 1 on 1 time with each other. Kids run interference and anyone who has kids knows what I am talking about. ….millennial or not. I am sure me and the wife will be talkin more about this tonight. Thanks Becca. Always enjoy your point of view.

    Reply
    • Rebecca Lindenbach

      Totally agree, Phil! Its about prioritizing, yes! What bothers me is that date night is often portrayed as something specific–dinner and a movie, dinner out, etc. Whereas I just think that “date night” can mean just have a good time together in a chill way. I think that there are so many “shoulds” put on marriages, that if you’re a perfectly happy couple who doesn’t feel the NEED to go out on a date night, why should you change anything? 🙂 Date nights are important when they’re needed and the time together just won’t happen otherwise. But if they’re not, it doesn’t mean anything is wrong in your marriage necessarily. 🙂

      Reply
      • Phil

        Maybe we should rename date night as quality time together😬. I do have to reiterate that when we tell people we are on date night or that we have a set date night. They are often envious and or lets use the word jealous. It just makes me feel so great because I know we are doing something so important for our marriage and SO many people dont make the time for it. Heck just a year ago we were that couple. We had “date night 1 time per month”. It cost us alot with a sitter and then + whatever we went and did. Now we dont go out like that as often becuase well it costs a bunch and we dont need to cuz we do it every week anyway. Special is nice but regular means more to me/us.

        Reply
  2. Natalie

    I don’t appreciate you guys putting cameras and microphones in my house and documenting my marriage, then making a podcast on it… very invasive! 😉 haha, jk. Yeah, that podcast was one of your best ones yet imo. Seriously spoke directly to my marriage, 1st segment especially. I sent it to my husband too, since we could both use this reminder from time to time. I have a tendency to talk down to him because I tend to focus on his failures and how he procrastinates on so many things in his personal life; and he loves to zone out behind a screen and not answer me when I call him or try to talk with him till I’ve literally yelled his name at him at least 7 times… all things we’re conscious of and have to constantly keep in check. Thankfully, we’ve been aware of this from very early on in our marriage, and are becoming more vigilant and proactive in our marriage. I’m so thankful this happened 4-5 years in instead of decades in!

    Reply
  3. Kate

    I agree with Natalie above. This was the best podcast as of yet. The first segment was vital and needs to be listened to over and over again. It will solve a lot of marriage problems.

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      Oh, I’m so glad!

      Reply
  4. Bethany

    Great podcast! That marriage advice about turning towards each other and not showing contempt has been *key* in our marriage.

    The segment with Rebecca was a good time. We do have a weekly “business meeting” to plan out our weeks (we have a super complicated work/childcare schedule) which includes planning in how we will spend our time together (most evenings after the kids go down around 8).

    We also deeply dislike date nights – they stress us out. We also like playing games together, just spending time together. 😀

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      Yay! So glad you liked it, too.

      Reply
  5. Madeline

    This was a good episode! Thank you so much for doing this, Sheila and Rebecca. I can’t even single out just one segment to comment on without wanting to talk about the whole thing. Really nice work!

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      Glad you liked it!

      Reply
  6. Ingrid

    I completely agree with Rebecca! Sometimes it feels like every Christian book or counselor says that a healthy, godly marriage requires a weekly out of the house date night which, frankly, is a privilege we young parents can’t afford! It can be almost demoralizing to read it in every “top ten things you can do for your marriage” lists. What I have done is stop any work at the girls’ bedtime. If something on my to do list isn’t crossed off at 7 then it gets bumped to tomorrow. For us, every evening is an evening to relax and connect! Dates are reserved for anniversaries 🙂

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      Yay, Ingrid! I think that’s fine. And stopping work when the girls go to bed is a great idea. You can do a lot of fun things in the evening together–playing games, watching something fun, doing a puzzle, anything. My husband and I are getting into learning ballroom dancing from YouTube again and tracing our family tree. That helps more than a date night might.

      Reply
  7. Kathryn

    Amazing podcast, love it so much!! Great thoughts and advise!!

    Reply
  8. Liesl

    One of my best friends are also an ENTJ! I really respect her systematic way of deciding the best course of action. This is probably why I enjoy your blog as well. I am an INFJ.

    Reply

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