It’s time for our next Start Your Engines podcast–the one where we talk more specifically to the guys!
Of course it’s always interesting for women, too, but we tend to bring Keith and Connor on more and we save up our guys’ reader questions!
Today on the podcast, Keith summarizes yesterday’s post on the slippery slope of believing in men’s hierarchy over women, and we address mental load and more.
Or, as always, you can watch on YouTube:
Main Segment: The Slippery Slope Can go in the Other Direction, too!
Ever heard someone say, “once you stop believing that men should be in leadership or power over women, you’ll throw out the Bible and then all these terrible things will happen!”
Well, Keith’s point in yesterday’s post is that there’s a slippery slope that goes in the other direction, too. Once you believe that men should be in power over women, it can warp your sense of reality, warp your theology, and warp your sense of justice.
If you didn’t read yesterday’s post, it’s great! And here we summarize the arguments.
Reader Question: How do we move forward when I’ve run roughshod over my wife?
A man chimes in and asks, “I’ve made some really bad mistakes because of both porn and theology and I’ve driven my wife away. How do we repair?”
My wife participated in the survey for your book The Great Sex Rescue. We pre-ordered it on Amazon and are getting through John Gottman’s Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
We were converted right about the time we were married and went to conservative fundamental like churches and homeschooled their kids and believe the purity culture and all that. We recently changed churches so I think we’re away from the “wives submit to your husband…” dogma.
In listening to your podcasts I have realized I’ve run roughshod over my wife for decades. I quit porn about 5 years ago and went through David White’s book, sexual sanity for men. We want to fix our marriage, rebuild trust, etc., etc. I’m wondering if going through Gottman’s book and your book now and then do LMFT counseling or skip the books and go straight to counseling. Do you know of resources for men in my state. I realize I’ve sinned horribly against God and my wife.
But, before we can be restored there needs to be trust, grieving, PTSD counseling for my wife and likely more. Any advice and help would be appreciated. We’ve been married 31 years and I’m looking forward to the next 31, Lord willing, being much better. Thank you!
Great question! We gave our thoughts, but I’ll leave you with one observation (that I also made in the podcast!): When a spouse has felt unsafe in marriage, often he or she doesn’t really process that feeling or admit how damaging that feeling is as a protective measure. But when they’re finally safe, then all of those feelings of anger and sadness and hurt can come to the surface. Once they’re safe, often the grief bubbles up and needs to be processed. So give her time to process this (and a licensed therapist with trauma-based treatments is a great idea), and don’t be surprised if things are quite rough for a while before they’re better.
The Two Guys Go to the Beach
Finally, we’ve had a lot of talk about the “Let’s go to the beach” post and phenomenon on the blog, but not necessarily on the podcast. So Connor and Keith took this one themselves, and discussed how to divide mental load and figure out how to make things more equitable in your marriage.
Things Mentioned in This Podcast:
- Keith’s post on the slippery slope of male-only leadership
- The Emotional Labor and Mental Load Series, with a podcast describing the issue
- The Let’s Go to the Beach Revisited post
- The Great Sex Rescue
- Pastors: Preach what you practice! About how pastors often say that husbands should make the final decision, though that’s not what they actually do.
Sheila Wray Gregoire
Founder of Bare Marriage
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