Sometimes I laugh when making a Fixed It for You and I just can’t stop.
I mean, often my Fixed It for Yous are so awful that they make you angry and make you all riled up to change things all at once.
And sometimes they’re so stupid (for lack of a better word) that you can’t stop laughing thinking, “he actually thought this was good advice, and doesn’t even realize everyone thinks he’s pathetic.”
That’s the story of the Fixed It for You I published last night:
The responses have been quite telling, but it just shows how completely out of touch Love & Respect is. Usually when I “fix” something from the book or talk about the book it’s because of something really horrendous that he said that relates to abuse (and you can see a summary of the problems in my downloadable one-sheet). But even the run-of-the-mill advice is terrible!
And it’s still the #1 used marriage curriculum in North American churches.
This will stop when people refuse to go to the studies; refuse to go to the marriage conferences; speak up to their pastors.
This week someone sent me this awesome Valentine’s Day video from Boys2Men.
It’s like the exact opposite of Emerson Eggerichs’ advice, and it just made me laugh so hard. From the CPAP machine to the line: “I’ll text you some memes while I’m next to you…” It was so relatable.
But it’s also a perfect example of a couple working together to make the family run. The husband checks the daughter’s homework. They put away dishes together. They fold laundry together. And they’re both tired, rather than just her being tired and then him wanting sex and her being lectured to that she needs to give it to him.
When a late night comedy show is healthier than the best-selling Christian marriage curriculum, we have a problem.
These are the kinds of issues we need to talk about.
The church will become healthier when more people see the toxicity and speak up.
That’s where my Fixed It for You book comes in. It’s filled with 30 great Fixed It for You memes (with 10 that have never-before-been-seen), and then comes with discussion questions, the fuller context of the quote and the author, Scripture to point you to Jesus, and tools to recognize the specific red flag.
It makes a really fun conversation starter with your spouse. Just talk about one every night before you go to sleep.
Or talk through 2 or 3 when you’re out to coffee with a friend.
Or work through them by yourself as you process what you’ve been learning. So many people tell me they love The Great Sex Rescue, but they still find themselves struggling to figure out what’s wrong with the mesages they hear at church or in other books. They know something’s fishy, but they can’t identify it. Here’s a way to hone your discernment skills!
And it can even be used as small group curriculum too!
Or you can learn more about the book here!
This was a week to both laugh and cry.
While many laughed at the Fixed It for You, the podcast this week had so many weeping.
I read a long letter from a woman who reached out to me. She had been a victim of abuse and marital rape for over a decade in her marriage, and she let her church know the details when she was seeking help. But then, when she was debating leaving her husband, the church leadership took up the case and put her under church discipline. She didn’t have grounds to leave, they said.
On the second half of the podcast the brave woman joined me and talked about her faith journey since, and it was really uplifting. As she said, when she was able to let go of the doctrine that she had held to that was enslaving her, she found Jesus again. And he held her close. And she’s all right now.
Her letter was hard to read, but I wanted people to know. I want people to understand that THIS is what so many churches are doing to women who come to them for help. They debate a woman’s “right” to be free from abuse. How much abuse is there really? Is marital rape even a thing? And then so often they tell her she must remain trapped.
And often it’s an all-male panel that is debating this. It reminds me of this awesome cartoon by David Hayward, AKA the Naked Pastor:
Women will only stop being treated this way by churches when we speak up.
But that will only happen when people understand what’s happening behind closed doors. When you have a good marriage, and you enjoy the worship at your church and your kids like the youth group and you like the sermons, you may not always realize how much your church could be harming women who aren’t in as good a place as you are.
So even if it’s hard, if you’re able, please sit with this woman’s story this week. Sit and have compassion for her, like Jesus did. And I think you’ll be so uplifted in the second half when she shares her journey with you!
What has hit you hard this week? Do you think things are changing in churches? What did you think of the Fixed It for You? Let’s talk in the comments!
Translation: Sometimes while I’m sitting around watching hours of TV, I’m very impressed at how my wife can do housework and care for all of HER children while still making me the number one priority. Now get me another beer, okay?
(Sarcasm, just in case anybody missed it)
I have to admit, because of the way I grew up and was taught, I read the original and thought “oh that’s good, he’s telling men to actually talk to us”. After I read the fixed it for you, I was irritated at myself that I didn’t see the obvious oversight in how men aren’t expected to parent or even usually carry on a mutual relationship with their wives. I’m learning so much and so hurt that I’ve believed these lies that were fed to me.
Yes! So often we don’t see it because we were raised in it. I’m glad my Fixed It for Yous work for you!
Growing up in a traditional Indian household, I was brought up with the idea that women are expected to serve men (even at the table, and then go off and eat later after the men are done!), and any man who gets up to help was thought of as a weirdo (oh, wait, none of them actually did…). The guys go off to talk or watch tv while the women clean up. After watching this unfold, I was determined to reject everything feminine because I did not want to be a slave. I also rejected my background and married outside the culture, and even went of to become a Christian, thinking that at least they had the equality thing down right because of the way Jesus treated women in the gospels (although reading some of the horror stories on this blog I wonder if that message got through to His followers…). Imagine a man even asking about his wife’s day! That would have been a revelation to me as a child. usually they just ordered the women around. Thank goodness things even the traditionalists in my family have changed now and today’s husbands definitely help out and parent too.
I’m so glad things have changed! And, yes, I don’t know why any little girl would want to grow up to have to serve another and not be treated like an equal.
This one made me laugh too, Sheila!
A few months ago, I listened to an interview show that hosted Emerson and his book. I’d just spent 5 years healing from an abusive family of origin and learning about and appreciating my own self-worth and voice, setting healthy boundaries, and growing into a true relationship with the Holy Spirit.
Throughout the interview, I recognized the misogynistic attitude. (And I hadn’t even read the book yet, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to. Now after reading your books and some of your blogs, I won’t read the book.)
I am so thankful that my boyfriend loves to cook with me in the kitchen—and we talk together. It doesn’t take much effort to help each other out—or engage in conversation.
Thanks for all that you and your team does to bring awareness, healing, and growth through a relationship with Christ and others.
Tisha,
You are not missing out on reading Emerson Eggerichs’ book. It reeks of misogyny.
If men want housekeeping services and fawning adulation, there’s really no need at all to get married. They can hire people for both positions. As well as any, er, other needs that may–cough, cough–arise.
And they will likely pay through the nose for both, as word will go round that they ain’t exactly a peach to work for.
“She may be busy with children or other duties, but she will be listening, I assure you.” Listening, and desperately trying to think of a sufficiently meek, “respectful” way to say, “Please shut up, get off your tuchus and make yourself useful, dear!” But you will never realize this, because you are so tone-deaf, and she is so brainwashed never to be direct with you, that whatever she does say, you will hear “Oh, hubby, it’s so wonderful that care enough about me to spend your valuable time brightening my busy day with these little chats! I feel so loved!”
Exactly! Well said.
That video was hilarious!
And yes, Emerson Eggerichs truly doesn’t have a clue. To sit and talk at your wife while she’s cooking AND busy with children or other duties– Dude, you have two working hands and a brain. USE THEM!
Naked Pastor’s cartoon is, unfortunately, art reflecting life. In a poll, 48% of white Evangelicals (in the US) said they thought Judge Kavanaugh should be appointed to the US Supreme Court even if the accusations against him were 100% true. So it’s not that they didn’t believe the accusations, they truly didn’t care. They thought it was perfectly fine if someone who committed sexual assault is appointed to the US Supreme Court. And I cannot help but wonder how many of the pastors and elders hold the same belief.
The woman in the podcast and everyone else who has been in her situation is strong and brave. To leave the indoctrination and realize that’s not Jesus. It’s time to empty those churches. The best way to change them is to empty them. They cannot survive without the donations and unpaid labor of the people who attend. And if everyone that was disgusted by this attitude left those churches, they would eventually have to close their doors.