What if marriage could actually be a partnership?
So much of Christian marriage literature is centered around the strange idea that God ordained wives to fulfill one role in the relationship (submission and housework), while men were created to fill another (leadership and financial provision).
You likely heard these rigid gender roles preached from the pulpit as God’s greatest desire for marriage, or you read it in a book that a trusted friend recommended to you.
But what if I told you that the evangelical church got this very very wrong and that God’s heart for men and women was not to see people confined to tiny boxes? What if God’s vision for marriage were bigger and more free for BOTH genders?
What if we were actually designed to be full partners, fully investing in the relationship and allowing the marriage to evolve as it needs to over time?
I asked recently on both Facebook and Threads what are the differences between a partnership marriage and a roles based marriage, and so many of you left such thoughtful comments I thought I’d turn it into a post!
Let’s look at 10 differences between a partnership marriage and a roles based marriage.
A Partnership Marriage Uses People’s Gifts
“Roles.are.for actors so therefore you are just acting out a part and societal expectations. With partnership you both are bringing your authentic selves and talents to the relationship.”
“Life maintenance tasks are taken on according to current strengths and abilities rather than what bits are in someone’s pants.”
“One is based on perceived roles society dictates. The other is based on reality and really working with each others gifts and strengths to make the best outcome. Example: my husband loves baking and cooking and shopping. I prefer to mow the lawn and work in my garage or outdoors. Perfect partnership. Until roles based people get their panties in a wad over traditional roles..lol”
A Partnership Marriage Honors Both People’s Intuition
“Partnership (or *actual* complementarity practiced in the wisdom of mutuality) considers the gifting, experience, and competencies of each person as well as the particular life circumstances of the moment (health/finances/family size…etc) and then mutally engages the pair’s collective resources wisely and for the benefit and growth of all. And this is reevaluated when circumstances change.”
“The difference is that in partnership the woman has freedom of choice.”
A Partnership Marriage Allows Authenticity
“I’d add that a partnership also allows someone to speak up when they need something and together they figure it out. Brene Brown shared she and her husband will checkin with each other to proactively communicate “I can only bring 20% effort today because I’m feeling xyz/sick/etc”. the other responds with their capacity—either saying upfront “I’ve got you” or saying “I don’t have the reserves to cover the gap, but let’s make a plan together for how we’ll function today” (that plan could look like ordering dinner or groceries, calling a friend or family member for help, etc). Partnership requires communication and connection.
A rigid roles-based relationship doesn’t allow for someone to show up differently day to day. And once the rules—I mean roles—are established, the communication is low on the priority list.”
“I would say one is focused on traditional gender roles and their “specific tasks” that uses very black and white thinking , and one is knowing that those roles are not a shoe fit stance. What works for your marriage while you both honor the Lord may not look the same as another households marriage.”
A Roles Based Marriage Can Burn Wives Especially Out
“I think it’s that even if one spouse is completely depleted, the other will not step in to their “role.” Whereas a partner would be flexible, capable, and willing to take on tasks they wouldn’t normally do, to help their struggling spouse.”
A Roles Based Marriage Is Rigid and Allows No Flexibility
“Roles are rigid. With roles, you aren’t allowed for days when one spouse is more burnt out, or overwhelmed. Roles don’t offer flexibility or movement for growth or situational shifting.
A partnership is about getting what needs done, done, by whatever appropriate means necessary. It’s fluid. One day I may do more than my partner and visa versa the next day. A partnership says “what does this marriage require right now?” Roles say “Did you do what is required of you?” Regardless of whether that’s what the marriage needs at that time.”
“I think a partnership marriage means “all hands on deck” and “flexible.” This morning, for example, my husband cleaned the kitchen and tidied up the house because I stayed up very late doing engineering work for our company and someone was coming over at 11 am. He didn’t call that a “favor” – he’s just doing his part. We’re both willing to do whatever we need to in order for things to run smoothly. He knows he doesn’t bear the whole weight of supporting the family financially, and I don’t bear the whole weight of supporting us otherwise.”
“I would say one is focused on traditional gender roles and their “specific tasks” that uses very black and white thinking , and one is knowing that those roles are not a shoe fit stance. What works for your marriage while you both honor the Lord may not look the same as another households marriage.”
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A Roles Based Marriage Resembles the Law
“Partnership = More Like Jesus
Roles-based = More Like Law”
“I feel like even today so many Christians want to follow “the Law”, in such a way of having checklists, easy answers, black and white things so I can know I’m good or doing what I’m supposed to, instead of living in the maturity, sacrifice and freedom that Christ has called us to! Let’s follow the Golden Rule in marriage, and do unto our spouse as we would want them to do to us, and to show respect, care, and honor, to be sacrificial and loving towards our partner.”
A Roles Based Marriage is Focused on Entitlement
“In roles-based one partner will live in privilege and entitlement, whether they know it or not. And the other will live in fear to some degree, whether they know it consciously or not.”
“Roles-based with man as leader results in a transactional marriage between entitled men and oppressed women. Partnership results in mutual respect and love between equal heirs in Christ.”
A Roles Based Marriage Can Lead to Spiritual Bondage
“Difference to me is, partnership marriage is one that evolves over time and the pair of you are adapting and changing as necessary. There is grace, humor, kindness, willingness to change things that upset your partner and joy in being together.
Roles based= no escape.
The man remains in his role of overlord and the wife slowly disappears over time into nothing more than his caregiver. She’s not seen or valued other than how happy she keeps him and his home, raises the children in whatever manner he dictates, stays skinny and attractive, modest always, accepts blame for any missteps the husband makes and proudly produces as many children as he wants to prove his manhood. Never questions him, accepts his example as that of God himself, meekly accepts his chastisements and theology, suffers health issues in silence because her “issues” are non-issues simply because he declares them so.
Sigh.
Ask me how I know…..”
“Partnership leads to unity. Roles are a cage used to trap women so that “the man” can live without consequences.”
“Role based (i.e., based on gender) ignores gifting, intelligence, and expertise (IOW it denies *literal* complementarity). I’ve heard pastors tell husbands that as leaders they need to “vet” what their wives are reading, without any consideration for the possibility that the wife might be more educated, intelligent, or theologically savvy. It’s as if a woman defaults to nothing more than a dependent spiritual ward by marrying someone of the opposite sex. And this is static/unchangeable because it is believed to be set in the stone of authoritarian fiat.”
A Partnership Marriage Can Ebb and Flow Over Time
“Partnership has ebb and flow according to the season in life, job situations, energy levels, etc… Partners realign with what is needed at that time. Roles do not. Roles often create unnecessary burdens on each spouse at different times by not letting the role change as mentioned above.”
“Partnership marriage is fluid with tasks and roles, each helping each other out as needed.”
A Partnership Marriage Simply Leads to Happier, Healthier Marriages
And now let me tell you what the data says!
In our research for our new book The Marriage You Want, we found partnership—that sharing of mental load, and that confidence that you could count on your spouse to support you—to be one of the best predictors of marital satisfaction.
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The more people felt like their spouse showed up in the marriage, the happier people were.
But the more people felt like they had to perform certain roles due to their gender, the worse their marriage got.
Now, acting out gender stereotypes isn’t bad, as long as it’s your choice. But when you feel like there’s no choice? Then marital satisfaction falls.
If it were truly God’s will that men do certain tasks and that women do others, and that men lead, then we would see higher marital satisfaction when that’s acted out. But we don’t. We see worse marriages, for both men and women.
It’s time to admit that roles based marriages bear bad fruit.
And I hope that The Marriage You Want gets you on the road to a partnership marriage!
And check out the study guide that goes along with The Marriage You Want. Work through it with your spouse so you can start creating that partnership!
One thing to note, many people will try to claim that those roles are God ordained and have always been that way….but they haven’t. Back in the Medieval time period, women’s role was the household but that included everything in the household (buying goods, hiring, firing, and paying servants). This meant that women were in charge of the money and the accounting. This continued to be true into 20th century. But for some reason we have now decided that handling money and doing the household accounting is within the man’s role.
Given that what counts as your role vs mine has changed drastically over the centuries, I would say that brings the whole idea under suspicion.
Absolutely!
I think what you said about it’s okay if you tend to veer into traditional gender roles as long as it is a choice and you are willing to change if circumstances change (like if you as a woman need to go back to work to help pay the bills and your husband needs to do more housework since you are not there to do everything anymore for example)
It reminds me of how in the Catholic community there are these women who loooove the practice of wearing veils when they pray and go to church. For them, it helps make those times feel special and allows them to get into the mode. I honestly think if wearing a veil helps with that, then that is great! The problem is if you then say every woman should wear a veil since not all of them agree and it doesn’t always work for them. That is what tradwives don’t seem to understand it isn’t that there is anything wrong with being a housewife (I am one myself due to my disability) it is that saying that everyone should be one even if that situation isn’t beneficial for them and having that one size fits all mentality is what is harmful.
“that one size fits all mentality is what is harmful”
Yes. I would add that people don’t have to be saying “every woman should be a housewife and every man should be a sole breadwinner” out loud to be enforcing one size fits all. If you’re in a church where men have careers and women don’t (whether they have paying jobs or not), if SAHM’s are idealized, if the kid oriented activities assume that moms will be involved and dads won’t… well, it’s one size fits all, whether people are saying it or not.
I also think tradwives don’t understand that the criticisms for their lifestyle is also more out of concern rather than making fun of them since there is so many times when the husband dies or the relationship goes south (especially true in these types of relationships as backed by research) that they often have nothing to fall back on and end up in a bad financial situation.
I have had people ask me personally what would happen if my husband dies and luckily for me because I am a housewife due to my disability, I have my SSDI from having my work history before working became too much for me to fall back on plus my family so I should be alright. It is definitely something to think about. I don’t think a lot of these tradwives can expect help from their churches though if they are anything like what I think they are
This is absolutely a huge concern. Also, so many of these women end up cheated on or divorced at year 15 or 20, and then they’re raising a whole bunch of kids with no support.
Absolutely. And you find this even with things like who is asked to volunteer in the kitchen or the nursery or who is asked to bring sandwiches at funerals.
That’s exactly it! The point is that God gave all of us different circumstances, interests, giftings, education, etc. And so each couple is going to have to make decisions about what works best given the unique things they face. And whatever you choose, as long as it’s a choice, is fine. But as soon as something isn’t a choice, we find that happiness drops.
One thing to also note: what activities were assigned to which gender are not set in stone as some people would like you to believe. For most of history women’s role was the household, but that meant the ENTIRE household most notably including the handling of the money and keeping the accounting books. Women were the ones buying food, and materials for the house, hiring, firing and paying household workers of all kinds so it made sense that she would be the keeper of the money not him. This held true into the 20th century. It has only been fairly recently that the handling of the money has been assigned as a male role.
Since it would appear that which gender gets what role is very societal based, might suggest this whole thing is not God ordained as only being one way.
Yes! In my mom’s generation it was still very common for the wife to handle the budget and pay the bills…a very onerous and lengthy task back then, when everything had to be done by mail and you had to submit medical bills to insurance yourself, so it was another emotional load…but at least it gave them more autonomy and say in spending.
Your last paragraph is… that’s so true.
Excellent, and I am honored that my quote was included. But it was the Niffler quote that really hit me as I read this.
One thing that I don’t think was mentioned is how strict roles give automatic ammunition for one person to criticize or belittle the other for not conforming, or not being good enough at whatever. Most of us have already suffered teasing or bullying for some thing unique about us, and why do we want to encourage this nonsense in a relationship we all really want to succeed and be fulfilling?
When I hear people, mainly women, say how marriage is hard, they tend to be in marriages that are role-based. My 2nd marriage has not been hard so far. I am beyond blessed after having had an unhealthy first marriage in my 20s. In that first marriage, my ex thought he had to be the one to make all the decisions because that’s what he believed the man was supposed to do even though his father didn’t do that. He just didn’t want to be seen as passive like his father who didn’t make the decisions and let his wife do all that. My ex thought that was emasculating. My ex also thought he could demand sex from me any time he wanted. He also thought he could tell me what to do such as to sit up straight, don’t eat this or that, etc. Ironically, we both worked and pitched in with housework so we were not exactly a roles-based couple. He just had the mindset that I had to obey him because he believed that’s what the Bible said.
In my current marriage, we are far from roles-based. I work full-time outside the home; he works around the house and does a lot of volunteer work. Since we are not raising children, I think this arrangement works well. We make decisions together. BTW, we love The Marriage You Want book.
That’s awesome, Laura! And having watched your journey for the last few years, I’m so glad you’re happy!
I’ve noticed roles-based marriages creating entitlement on both sides!
There are women who basically say that they are women, so their days should be spent baking sourdough and doing yoga. I’ve personally met women who have said that it will be their husband’s job to pay their student loans.
A roles-based marriage doesn’t just tell you what you have to do; it tells you what you’re exempted from doing. A lot of what goes into running a household isn’t fun, and roles based marriages say “Oh you don’t have to do that icky part, Precious.”
It also allows you to do your part in a way that might be supremely selfish. If you’re tasked with earning all the money, maybe that means sitting in a cubicle and working your way up, rather than being a youth minister and telling your wife that she has to thrift her clothes. Likewise, women could spend their time in Pilates when the kids are in school.
If you look at household management as a whole bunch of tasks that need to be done, it’s different. It’s “how do we get $8,000 a month in the door? Who is going to take the kids to sports? Hey the car needs an oil change – someone has to get on that.”
Oh Jane that’s a great role! “a roles based marriage doesn’t just tell you what you have to do; it tells you what you’re exempted from doing.” Yes, that’s it exactly!
(I’m pretty sure this is going to be our comment of the week for our Friday Round-Up video on YouTube. So concise!)
Thank you!
I’m dying listening to Rebecca talking about how it’s against God’s design to not give your wife multiple orgasms. Gold.
Ever notice that “God’s Design” is whatever personally benefits the one preaching about it?
Excellent! Excellent article. My marriage to my late wife was tremendous beyond bonds. I would not trade the time we had together, God blessed us abundantly and beyond. We were a team, and our marriage was invested in our relationship to each other and to our God. We began building a relationship marriage before the vows. We did come to an understand about two things that each would not do after marriage: 1. She would not drive when I was in the car (She was an ex-cop and drove like one); 2. She said I was not to do the dishes (Because every time I handle a dish in somehow was broken). Of course, that changed as we grew in our relationship. In my preaching, teaching, counseling with married couples and pre-marital counseling, I have tried to teach this. Your treatise question is very good, “What if we were actually designed to be full partners, fully investing in the relationship and allowing the marriage to evolve as it needs to over time?” I would change only one word “evolve” to “grows.” Thank for your written materials, I have used them.
Thank you, John! And I’m so sorry for the loss of your wife. I’m glad you had such wonderful years with her!