Are You a Generous Lover? How Wives Can Be Giving in the Bedroom

by | Mar 20, 2019 | Uncategorized | 46 comments

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What does it mean to be a generous lover?

A few years after we were married a read a magazine article by a woman who had vowed at their wedding day to never say no to her husband sexually. Whenever he wanted sex, she would give it.

I was just coming out of a bad few years in our marriage, and was determined to get on a better trajectory. Plus I’m a type-A personality who loves a challenge! So when I read that, I decided, “If she can do it, I can do it!”

And I did.

I was so proud of myself. I got out a calendar and started circling in red all the nights that we had sex.

Then one day Keith came to me and said, “I just feel like we never make love.”

I was incensed. Didn’t he realize how giving I had been? I pulled out that calendar and I showed him, “you have nothing to complain about, buddy!”

That started a rather interesting conversation, and what I finally understood was that my husband did not want to be placated. He wanted to be wanted.

Keith instinctively understood what I’ve been talking about for the last few weeks: God made sex to be a mutual experience, where both husband and wife are giving and receiving; where both are throwing themselves into the sexual side of their relationship; where both are dedicated to truly “knowing” each other in every sense. He wasn’t interested in just “having sex”–ie just having intercourse. He wanted a relationship where I was enthusiastic, too.

I’ve been talking for the last few weeks about how far too often women are the ones who are deprived during sex, because we’re the ones who are the least likely to experience sexual pleasure, and because we’re often afterthoughts when it comes to sex. Sex involves his climax, and anything else is a bonus. I’ve been arguing that we shouldn’t see sex as primarily about his physical release; instead, we should see it as a mutual experience.

But if we’re going to ask men to make that leap–if we’re going to ask husbands to realize that we matter just as much as they do in the bedroom, and that our experience is important, then we also have to take a leap. We have to decide that we’ll dedicate ourselves to making sure that he enjoys making love, too. So let’s look at what that means!

I’m going to be linking to a lot of past posts in this post, because I’ve written so much about all of this before. So rather than make this post 15,000 words long, you can just click through on the links that pertain to you.

Being a generous lover means embracing sex as more than just about HIS physical release

One of the things men tell me over and over again is that what they really want from their wives is not just sex, but enthusiasm. They want their wives to want sex! So part of being a generous lover, ironically, is embracing our own sexual side.

We have to decide that we’re going to embrace mutual sex, too.

We’re going to stop seeing sex as just about his “physical release”. We’re going to stop feeling like we’ve “done our duty” if we have sex frequently.

We’re going to embrace sex as something that is for us, too.

Have a hard time embracing sex as something for YOU, too?

It’s supposed to be great physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Feel like something’s missing?

Being a generous lover means being committed to our own pleasure

On the surface that makes no sense, I know. How can it be generous to be committed to OUR pleasure? But you see, most men actually want to give their wives pleasure. It helps men feel as if you want to be there on your own merit. I explain it more here in why our enthusiasm matters with sex, but it is key. I receive so many comments on the blog that say something like this:

Unfortunately, some have decided that because of (pain, body image, inhibitions, a brain that won’t let go of the day, … make your own long list), sex is not for her. And when that is decided, the willingness of the husband to engage in the process, to it’s fullest possible pleasure for his wife, is wasted and feels useless. Everything else in her life takes priority.

I may be in the minority of men here, but my experience is that my wife doesn’t want to want. Wanting, desiring, seeking are part of the equation, and the most generous man can’t compensate when those things are missing in his wife.

Others have said how they want to try to pleasure their wives, but their wives say no, and want their husbands to just “hurry and get it over with.” Again, that’s seeing sex NOT as a mutual thing, but only as about his pleasure. And that doesn’t tend to be what men want. Husbands want us to jump in! So if you’re going to be a generous lover, you need to be committed to receiving pleasure, too. Giving to someone else is very affirming and very erotic. To stop your husband from giving takes away something he was meant to do. God designed our bodies so that we would receive pleasure especially through foreplay, where we are the main event.

Also, God designed pleasure and orgasm to be something that helps us become “out of control”. It’s the height of vulnerability. It’s a state of being that you’re supposed to share with your husband and no one else. It’s real intimacy. If you see intimacy as only about emotional connection and not that vulnerability/out of control aspect, you are missing something. I know it’s hard for many women to reach orgasm, and I’m not saying that it’s a necessity. I’m just saying don’t give up, keep trying, and make your pleasure a priority, because it does matter for both of you.

Being a generous lover means learning what makes sex feel good to him

If both of us are to be giving in the bedroom, then we also have to think about what makes him tick and what he likes! I do believe that the sexual relationship as a whole should focus on both of you giving and receiving, but that doesn’t mean that individual encounters can’t be focused on one of  you. Sometimes he may just need a quickie!

And just as he has to learn what makes us feel good, it’s good for us to learn what makes him feel good, too. While that may seem more obvious, because he has an easier time reaching climax on the whole, that doesn’t mean that it’s automatic or that we can’t improve. Play teacher some nights! Have his and her nights! Or find ways to make sex feel good for him, too:

Being a generous lover means helping him feel wanted and pursued

Your husband shouldn’t be the only one initiating sex! Show him that you’re interested in sex as well–and the cool thing is that as we initiate, we often ramp up our own libidos, too.

How to Signal “Yes” to Your Husband

Being a generous lover means embracing frequency in your sex life, too

Let’s say that your libido would be satisfied with sex once a month, but he wants sex every day. Do you meet in the middle and compromise at twice a month?

No, I don’t think so, because that doesn’t validate his desires. it leaves him frustrated for the other 28 days a month. Now, I’m not saying that you have to have sex everyday. But “meeting in the middle” should not be the aim. Embracing intimacy and prioritizing intimacy should be. I think each marriage is different in what this will look like, and varies so much with shift work, ages of kids, health, etc. But if we’re going to say that sex is about a mutual joining, then we’re also saying that sex is important. So we should start prioritizing it in our life and making our default “yes” as much as possible–not because we want to get him off of our backs, but because we recognize how important it is for us and for the relationship, too.

Being a generous lover means having compassion when he’s sexually frustrated

Being a generous lover means that you recognize when stages of your life are leaving him sexually frustrated, and you do have compassion on him. Let’s say that you’ve been nauseous in pregnancy for a long time, and he’s been great about giving you space. It may be that occasionally you “give him a gift”, and that occasionally he also gives you a gift in the form of a long back rub or running a bath for you. You show that you still want to connect, even if intercourse seems impossible for you right now. And, again, you make sure it’s set up so that you’re both giving and receiving.

Being a generous lover means being open to spicing things up

Laughter and play in the bedroom can be wonderful at enhancing intimacy! I’m not talking about doing weird things (and I have my own opinions on sex toys and vibrators that I’ve shared). I definitely don’t think you should watch porn together. But you also don’t want to get stuck in a rut. Try the 31 Days to Great Sex–it’s a wonderful way to ease into spicing things up, to learn how to tell him what feels good (or how to figure out what feels good), how to flirt more, be more affectionate, and try new things.

Or you can jump right in and try the Sexy Dares!

Does your marriage need some spicing up–and some fun?

Try these 24 dares–plus one bonus–to take your marriage to the next level!

Ladies, we can’t have it both ways when it comes to sex.

If we want sex to not just be about our obligation to give him release, but instead to be about mutuality, then we need to embrace our end of it, too! We need to prioritize intimacy; we need to become vulnerable and allow and encourage him to give us pleasure; we need to jump in. That really can only happen when we understand that sex was not just created for him, but created for us, too.

And if your problem jumping in is that he’s never figured out how to give you pleasure (or even tried!), that’s coming next week. But for today, let’s embrace all that God created sex to be. If He made it to be this wonderful, let’s not miss out on it. Make it a great research project!

How a Wife Can  Be a Generous Lover

What do you think? What makes a wife a generous lover? Let’s talk in the comments!

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Sheila Wray Gregoire

Author at Bare Marriage

Sheila is determined to help Christians find biblical, healthy, evidence-based help for their marriages. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8

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46 Comments

  1. Catherine

    Bravo!

    Reply
  2. SW

    I read something once that said being a good lover actually means being a little bit selfish. I think that jives with your comment about being committed to finding our own pleasure in sex. Great column!

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      Thank you!

      Reply
  3. Disillusionment to Hope

    I think (speaking from experience) that men with “frigid” wives could have a tad more empathy with their desire for her to orgasm. Yes, women should try to comtinue to experience pleasure, but if more men understood that the reason their wives don’t “want to want ” is likely because each time they tried and failed has left the wife feeling that she is broken, then maybe they could help her find the courage to keep trying for pleasure. If the wife has given up, it is likely a deep wound and insecurity about her own sexuality and femininity. That doesn’t just disappear over night with some enthusiasm, but actually takes healing and forgiveness of the body that “failed her.” Don’t ask me how to get there though. I’m still repenting for a deepseated belief that God loved my husband more and that’s why sex is so hard.

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      This is very, very true. Next week I’ll be talking about that aspect of it–how husbands can be generous lovers. And that’s a large part of it: having empathy for when her insecurities, and helping her not to feel like a failure.

      Reply
      • Ashley

        On your point about frequency and not just simply meeting in the middle. I have found for myself, and have heard, that the more frequently a woman has sex, the more she will desire it. Would you agree with that? I don’t have a libido problem but I can go a long time without sex and not realize it. But when it becomes more frequent then I definitely get a libido boost. So it’s a win win if us ladies can just get started. 😊

        Reply
        • Sheila Wray Gregoire

          Yes, Ashley, that’s definitely true, and scientific studies have found it, too. Libido is largely “use it or lose it!”

          Reply
    • Andrea

      OK, first I’m going to make a joke, then I’m going to get serious. The joke: God does indeed love men more, why else would he have put a woman’s clitoris outside of her vagina? Did you know he put the clitoris of pigs (pigs!) inside their vaginas? (He really did, I saw it on a show about Danish pig farming, but I’m sure you could just google it to confirm.) Of course, to get serious now, it’s because he wanted us to make love like humans, not pigs, we also happen to be the only species for whom the default sex position forces face-to-face contact. More seriously, I’m glad you put “frigid” in quotes because there are no frigid women, only incompetent men. I read this in Tim LaHaye’s 1970s Act of Marriage sex manual, no joke, bless his pre-tribulation dispensationalist heart (he also co-authored the Left Behind series). His footnotes are full of Masters and Johnson studies and these were the two researchers who “discovered” (validated is more accurate) the clitoris in the 1960s, which is why the word “frigid” has fallen out of favor since. To return to the joking, I think it’s rather mean to give men one and the same tube for both their baby-making juice and their piss (gross!), to make them go flaccid after only one orgasm, to make them go flaccid forever as they age (unless they take the little blue pill, which we might argue is an affront to God’s design, since he obviously meant for penises of a certain age to quit working, unless that was also the result of the Fall, like women’s pain in childbirth, for which we can get epidurals in the modern era).

      Reply
      • CS from NY

        “…there are no frigid women, only incompetent men.”

        Your criticism is well placed, but as one of those incompetent men, please believe when I say many of us are well acquainted with our incompetence when it comes to our relationships with our wives and honestly wish we could just get it right.

        (I’m not saying I think my wife is “frigid,” just agreeing with you and saying please remember that even though we often mess up intimacy, we desperately love our wives and we’re trying to get it right.)

        Looking forward to next week’s postings on how to be more generous towards my wife.

        Reply
        • Babygirl1978

          This is probably the most kind hearted “frustrated man” comment I’ve ever read. I often feel like I’m frigid or broken because I don’t react/feel sexual feelings/arousal the way I DESPERATELY wish i did. I want to be “normal” for lack of a better word. If i ever do get married, i hope to blessed with a patient frustrated husband like you.

          Reply
      • Competent Man

        Speak for yourself Andrea.
        There are frigid women like mine who have always experienced orgasm prior to mine. I always made sure she goes first.
        She became less intimate when she gained weight. I think she’s even more beautiful now ! But I can’t convince her.
        We had sex once last year. In the dark.
        Say whatever you want.
        There are PLENTY of us competent husbands out here.

        Reply
    • Babygirl1978

      I’m so relieved to know That there’s some one else out there besides me that thinks that God favored men just a little bit and

      Reply
    • Christy

      Thank you for your comment. I too, deeply believe that God loves men and my husband more than he loves me and women.

      Reply
  4. ThePhilZone

    This is a great post as it seems to bring this topic full circle where everyone has something to work on or at least think about. From one man’s perspective, this is how I view intimate time with my wife and I think we got it nailed. Back in high school when learning how to write good stories, the teacher talked about rising action, climax and falling action. This is a good analogy for love making. A couple writes their own story together. Each time together can be a good story if both people are included in all three areas of the story writing process. In other words, the story has to be written together. I read a lot on this blog about women not enjoying the climax portion of their story and that is a true shame. Their story is not complete in my eyes. However, men desire to be included in the rising action portion of the story writing process and when they are not, their story is not complete. The end result is an average short story, individually written that is marginally gratifying to both people involved. When “writing” together, if either person is left out of the process or both not on the same page, the climax portion will suffer for one or both. My wife and I go for the long story, written together, shared together and it’s a different story every time. We have an unbelievable library.

    Reply
    • FunkyMom

      ThePhilZone: What a great analogy! Thanks for sharing…

      Reply
      • ThePhilZone

        Thanks for noticing. Sometimes I feel a little guilty posting such positive messages around here given all the pain and disconnect but I figure people should read about happiness also. So, keep being funky.

        Reply
        • Sheila Wray Gregoire

          Positive is great! I love it.

          Reply
  5. Anomyous

    You make an interesting comment about frequency. My wife prefers once a month and I prefer 2-3 times a week. Our compromise is once every 3 weeks. To push for more frequency would be a selfish on my part. And we are empty nesters by the way.

    Reply
  6. Nick Peters

    When my wife says I want sex because I just want release, it really stings me. If I just wanted that, I would be fine with just quickies and no foreplay. In, out, done. Absolutely not.

    I have a men’s group on Facebook and I asked the group once if they could only have one in their women in the bedroom, which do they want? Awesome body or awesome passion. Not a single man voted for body.

    When a man watches a romance scene in a movie or TV show, he’s noticing how the woman looks, but he’s more thinking “I wish my wife wanted me like that.”

    No woman would want a date where the man goes begrudgingly to a restaurant, spends the whole time checking the time on his phone, doesn’t converse, and asks if we can finally go home.

    No man wants the same analogically with sex. We will take it because it’s something, but it sure doesn’t satisfy and tells us we’re uninteresting and unappealing.

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      Thank you, Nick. That’s really very helpful, and I hope that women will hear this. It really isn’t that our husbands want to “use” us. Most good guys truly do want real intimacy!

      Reply
      • Nick Peters

        I know you’ve said you’re open before but if you want another way for people to hear, I do have a podcast….

        Reply
  7. Phil

    My wife and I got into this conversation prob about 4 months ago. I didnt have the words to communictae properly for the last couple years until recently. What I really want is intimacy. What I have been driving for has been primarily with regard to the sex peice. But its just not only sex! In the midst of the conversation as I have been “pushing” to repair and improve our sexual peice quantity was brought up and I was told you are well taken care of (in qunaitiy) which is true but when its one sided and empty well…now I know what she went through when I was in active sex addiction. But on top of the qty being pointed out I was told “beggars cant be choosers”. While I get what she is saying do you know how demeaning that is? Sigh…..really has been tough for us lately. Some days you just want to knock your head against the wall. You know that joke are you get to ask God one question one question? Here’s my question if sex is a gift why did he make this so hard for us to figure out? This is the hardest gift I have ever had to go seek LOL. Its fot be out here in this feild somewhere! I believe the answer lies in the Bible…..

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      I’m sorry, Phil!

      I honestly think the reason it’s so difficult is because it’s the piece of us that is most intimately connected to our identity and our spirit. Because of that, it’s the most easy to damage. And it’s the most easy to wall off, because opening up in that area means ultimate vulnerability. So it is a gift. But that gift requires a lot of hard work and healing to be able to access. Perhaps the reason it’s so hard is to urge us forward towards real healing. Often people who are cut off from themselves sexually are also partly cut off from God. That healing can open us up in all kinds of different ways! At least, that’s what I’ve been thinking lately.

      Reply
      • Phil

        I like that thinking…and I agree that when we are sexually cutoff from ourselves we are also cut off from God in part. I got a Tell you Sheila. I have been fighting for 16 years to get this cleaned up and I’m just tired of fighting. I know it’s probably very personal for you and Keith but I really would like to hear more from you or somebody or maybe there is a book out there somwhere….who can talk about this topic of being disconnected from God when we’re not “sexually right “. For me it was very obvious I was disconnected from God when I was in active sex addiction but today I actually still struggle with that and I see what you’re talking about but I guess the situation such as yours or others maybe wasnt /isnt as severe so the effects whe troubling may be more easily addressed???Not sure now just babbling now I guess….anyway quite interesting statement.

        Reply
        • Phil

          Today I found the begining of some answers to this discusion: Romans 1. I am gonna find answers Sheila. I know they are in that BOOK!

          Reply
        • Christy

          I agree that when we are unable to be intimate with our husbands we are cut off somewhat from being able to be that way with God. I think our marriage relationships are a mirror of our relationships with God.

          This point very much depresses me….it goes something like this. I believed that God created me (in part) to get married. I believed in His plan with my whole heart. Before I got married I trusted God, he was the centre of everything I did. So i did, I got married and the guy is wonderful and kind and loves God. Then there was sex.

          Being sexually abused as a kid, I can’t have sex without ptsd. so, I got married to find out that I would back out, 100 percent of the time that I had sex. Naturally I hate it. Then, I feel guilty.

          So, my question to God is this. Why would you create sex, call it good. Allow me to be molested, tell me that getting married is a great idea…and now i am stuck in a sexual relationship that I can’t get away from. If this relationship (marriage) is a reflection on my ability to be intimate with God and I cannot do it because my mind and body react in a way that I cannot stop. Then in essence, I am permanently blocked from being intimate with God.

          If God did not protect me as a kid and now, will not heal it or give me the answer to change it, I am literally always living in sin towards God and my husband. I cannot seem to trust or “just get over it”. Truly I was better off single because at least then, I wasn’t constantly sinning. at least then I wasn’t constantly living in sin by asking God how I can trust him? I feel tricked by God,
          I feel tricked by marriage and now I have three kids and the trauma is only getting worse….i can’t seem to process it….sorry for the download.

          I feel extremely defeated.

          Reply
          • Sheila Wray Gregoire

            Oh, Christy. I am so, so sorry. So very sorry.

            You are NOT living in sin if sex causes you panic attacks and trauma. You really aren’t, because the bigger purpose of sex is intimacy. It isn’t just physical. And when we make it into only a physical duty, we distort it. I think you need to stop pressuring yourself to have sex and just work on healing from your PTSD and from trauma. Don’t compound the problem by adding guilt to it. Sex is supposed to be intimate; it can’t be intimate if it’s causing someone pain. Sex is not supposed to cause you pain! Think about it this way: If, instead of being sexually abused, you had been in a car accident that had physically injured you and made you physically unable to have sex, we’d say that the answer was physical therapy, not just to force yourself to do it anyway. Well, you may not have a physical injury, but you have a spiritual and emotional one, and it’s okay to work on healing that. It is. And I do believe that God wants to heal it!

            Don’t believe the lie that God planned your abuse, or that He predestined it, or that He had a purpose for it and thus He let you go through it. No, He did not plan evil for you. He grieves over what was done to you, and He does want to heal you from it. He really does. So find a licensed counselor who is trained in EMDR therapy. Get help for the trauma, and see if you can slowly heal! God bless you.

          • Christy

            Thank you for the encouragement. To clarify, i know that I am not sinning because I cannot have sex “ properly.” But I feel like it completely attacks my image of who God is. Putting God as the creator of sex, changes who i think he is. It is the emotional intimacy that I struggle with too, because of zero trust snd i am seemingly incapable of building it.

            Yes, i have tried councelling, honestly there is such a lack of good ‘sexually’ educated christian councellors… i have struggled to find help. Your message to me was more helpful that most of the things i have been offered. Thank you.

  8. Happy wife

    It’s been almost 2 years now that I asked God to give me more of a desire and love for my husband. Not that it wasn’t there before, I just wanted more real intimacy and more emotional connection. Sex was always good I was always fulfilled and a few times a week was OK with me .
    But in asking God to change my entire heart, He softened it towards my husband in ways that I had no idea were hard so to say, and the change in me has brought out such an intense change in him and in our intimacy and even in our sex life ! So intense that my desire for him and the amazing oneness we are experiencing is off the charts, he’s like “honey I need a break” !! 😉
    God is so awesome when HE fills us with passion and desire!

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      Yay! That’s so awesome! And you made a great point–it’s OKAY to pray about your sex life. It’s not even okay, it’s good! And God does want us to become more passionate. Absolutely!

      Reply
  9. Elaine

    Honest question, why can’t I just be happy to be with my man? I sure am O now and again is good, but most of the time I just love being with my husband. Making him happy makes me happy. 20 years and going strong. Sex is good, but mostly just because I love being with him and not the physical. I think God made sex to be a great thing between husband and wife but I’m never going to have the drive of my mans man husband. Just never going to happen. If I took on your attitude it would just cause division, frustration and anxiety. Not because my husband is not generous and willing to be more so and not because of my understanding of sex. But because I have a fraction of the drive my sweet husband has and when did giving loving and willingly become a bad thing. He sacrifices for me and I for him, but out of such deep love and appreciation it hasn’t felt like sacrificing in so long I can’t remember. So I’m with you, we need to change our mind frame but I’m afraid some of this is going the wrong direction for a lot of women.

    Reply
    • Daniel

      Elaine: Honest answer; It’s fantastic that you’re happy with your man. That’s more than a lot of women on this blog have to say. And it’s more than many men could hope for from their wife. I think it’s super cool that you are able to meet your husbands needs so generously. I have no doubt that he loves and appreciates you.

      That being said… Part of Sheilas point is that sex can and should be so much more than just meeting needs. God designed the female body for vast pleasure, so it seems very sad to not try to capture some of that pleasure. I truly believe that God loves it when husbands meet and exceed their wife’s ‘needs’ in bed. And I’m sure that God never intended the phrase “sacrifice” to be said of sex. Sex shouldn’t be a sacrifice, or even just a gift. Sex is the ultimate expression of our love ‘to our mate’. Notice I didn’t say ‘for our mate’. It’s a partnership. A team. A union. We physically show and tell them how much we love them. If both partners were content with just being together, sex would never happen, and God most certainly didn’t intend for marriage to be that way.

      Don’t get me wrong; It sounds like you have a good thing going for you. If you are both happy and content with where you are, just keep doing what you’re doing.

      Reply
      • Sheila Wray Gregoire

        Thank you, Daniel. And honestly–how can sex NOT be about mutuality? It’s entirely mutuality in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5. It’s a deep “knowing”. If that isn’t mutuality, I don’t know what is. And if you’re approaching sex so that it’s NOT mutual–well, you’re both missing out on a lot.

        Reply
  10. Anonymous A

    When my wife has the positive attitudes about sex that you mention in this article, I feel so respected. I think what Emmerson says in Love and Respect about sex being a way a man feels respected- is so true. For me the positive sexual interaction, when she really takes the initiative, or is very receptive to my initiative- shows respect in a deeper way to me than just about anything else she does.

    Reply
    • Phil

      Well..,,that statement opens a can of worms around here. When my wife is intimate and vulnerable and open sexually to me I don’t feel respected I feel loved and wanted and truly known. Around here we like equality and mutuality. That book doesnt drive that message and infact from what I have learned delivers a very harmful message to many.

      Reply
      • Anonymous A

        Phil, Was curious if you have actually read the book, cover to cover?

        Reply
      • Elaine

        Phil, this is part of the reason you are having the trouble you are now. Everywhere in the Bible you find equality and people reaching for it it is sinful and the enemy is at work. Whether it was satan trying to be equal to God, Eve trying to be equal to God, men trying to be equal to another, disciples asking to be equal to another one. Throughout scripture we find that God is a God of order, hierarchy and favoring those who follow Him.

        Equalitarianism is luciferism. It is of the devil. Why in every instance are husbands and wives, men and women, given separate and distinct instruction and commands?

        This sites mission is not Christianity and Christ’s work but egalitarianism and Sheila’s work. Because she needs it to believe God loves her. Because she is more important than God in her heart and mind. It’s a sickness. Don’t be infected by it. Churches and families that accept it shrivel and die within a couple generations. It’s a cancer that eats to the soul and bone.

        Reply
        • Phil

          Elaine – NO! that thinking is 100% wrong and if you dont like what you read around here than why do you come here? I dont go to your sites and try to preach this message and theough garbage at people. You want order? Put Jesus first. What you shared here and your purpose here is NOT like Jesus. Begone. Thanks

          Reply
          • Sheila Wray Gregoire

            Phil, you’re awesome. You have such a kind spirit and you’re so open to learning from God, and I so appreciate you.

        • Sheila Wray Gregoire

          Elaine, I’m not even going to bother replying to you because you’re so insulting and this is a shake the dust off your feet situation.

          However, I am putting you on moderation because the way you replied to Phil is not a good example of the gospel. Normally I would just delete this comment, but Phil saw it before I did and left a great response so that is why I am leaving it up.

          Reply
          • Phil

            You know what Sheila? I have long suspected there are moles here. I am really glad this happened today. This has made me stronger. Yes, I am in a struggle in several areas of my life right now. It is not ironic how strength comes from someone trying bring you down. I appreciate the help. Not how I would’ve answered the prayer but Ill take it lol.

        • Daniel

          Elaine: Sticking to the topic of this post… it’s not egalitarianism to be generous. Being generous isn’t about equal rights. Sheila isn’t saying that we need equal rights, she’s saying that we are to give freely. And not just give because it’s what the husband wants, but because sexual passion is amazing and fun, and it’s not just for the husband, and it’s not just for the wife.

          Reply
  11. Phil

    No I have not. However if you listen to the women here they will tell you of the harm that has come from the thinking of that book. I choose to love and support and beleive my fellow women freinds here at TLHV. I dont have time to find and post the link to help you read, but Sheila did a full week series on this book. Search up her site and find out for yourself. Thanks

    Reply
    • Anonymous A

      I have read her posts on love and respect and watched her video. I have also read Love and Respect the book( including re reading it since Sheila started her series) and I have been to an in person Love and Respect conference and also a video Love and Respect conference at a church, and I have read some of Emmerson’s blog posts since Sheila starter her series.

      At least for me, I think Emerson has a great point that sexual generosity from my wife, shows tremendous respect. I also feel loved- but the respect is huge for me. However, realize that all men may not experience sex from their wives the same way I do.

      Reply
  12. Phil

    WOW. You read all that including my comments and then left a taunting comment like that given the knowledge you have about the harm that book has done to many women. I am glad it is working for you. I have heard it does work for some. Best wishes to you and your wife.

    Reply
  13. Anonymous A

    One concept I have seen several places, and seems to hold true in my marriage is the concept of spontaneous and responsive desire. Spontaneous desire is more common with men, but also at times women, but it is sexual desire that just seems to come out of nowhere and even at times when nothing sexual is happening. Responsive desire which is more common in women, but also men sometimes is desire that hits after foreplay or other sexual things are happening.

    What is wonderful is that lots of times if the person that tends to have more responsive desire will chose to say yes to their partner when they are asked even if they do not particularly desire sex at the moment, or if the more responsive partner will make the choice to initiate sex, even though they do not have high sexual desire a the moment- once things get started the person with responsive desire may get very hot with lots of sexual desire, very quickly. When that happens a great time can be had by all.

    Reply

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