What do you do when you want to spice things up, but you don’t know where to start?
This whole month we’re going to be talking every Wednesday about practical ways to spice up your sex life and make sex great! It’s going to be a lot of fun, and there’s a ton of great stuff coming up like how to have great sex even when it’s really hot and you don’t have AC, as well as ways to sync your libidos and choose the perfect piece of lingerie!
Today we want to hit off the series by tackling a big one we get questions about a lot: trying new sex positions!
And warning: This post is going to get a little graphic, but it’s only so I can help you. And I’m not going to go more graphic that is necessary. Trust me!
Now, trying new positions can can be tricky because if we’re looking at diagrams, often they use actual people and it gets X-rated. (A great way around that is the Ultimate Intimacy App, by the way, that is done really tastefully!)
But beyond that, trying new positions can feel awkward because it often breaks up sex in a non-organic way. You’re going all hot and heavy and then you have to stop, pull out the diagram, and then re-adjust and get into a new position. You wonder for the first little bit if you’re even doing it right, and it can be hard to really focus on how it’s feeling because you’re thinking,
“Is this what the instructions said? Are we doing this right? Is this OK for him? Maybe we should just go back to what we know.”
This awkwardness often happens because when we talk about trying new positions we’re often really focused on stopping what we’re doing and then literally changing everything about the position we’re in. But spicing up your sex life and trying something new doesn’t just need to be a pre-organized occasion where you’ve researched and come up with a plan for what positions you’re going to try (although those times can be great, too!). It can also be fun to just try new things while you’re in the moment!
But where do you even start when it comes to trying new sex positions in the moment without diagrams or instructions?
Here’s the thing: there really are only so many ways to actually have sex. Most positions fall into one of 4 categories:
- Face to face, man on top
- Face to face, woman on top
- Man facing her back, man on top
- Man facing her back, woman on top
Everything else just requires moving within these positions to change the pressure, the angle, or the depth he is able to reach.
But here’s the thing: no matter what you do, there is one very important rule when it comes to trying new positions:
You never ever EVER put any of your weight on his ding-a-ling. The only thing the ding-a-ling should be holding up is itself.
It sounds silly, I know, but penis sprains that require surgery are a real thing and the best way to avoid these are just to make sure that you are never resting your weight on his penis. And this is actually quite easy to do by making sure that your feet, hips, knees or back are what are primarily holding your weight in whatever position you are in.
But what about standing positions?
Standing positions are one of those things that can encroach on the weight-on-his-penis territory and so need to be done very carefully. Safe standing positions fall under one of the four categories above, usually he is entering her while she is either bending over something like the side of the bed or is lying on her back on a steady surface. Anything where he is holding her weight entirely, either lifting her up or she is holding herself up on him by wrapping her legs around him, can turn bad really quick. If you slip off just a little bit, you could crack his penis.
OK, so there are our general ground rules. So now here are the practical ways to change it up during sex so you can experiment without having to pull out a diagram:
1. Move your legs
Raise one leg, wrap your legs around each other, cross one leg over, spread your legs wider or keep them closer together. This can be a really easy way to change where his thrusting is hitting her and how deep he is able to go.
Change where your legs are, too–are they in the air, on the bed, on his shoulders? You can try having one leg up and one leg down, and then switch legs to see which feels better. If she’s on top, you can try putting one leg forward and one leg back if you’re flexible. Also simply changing how far apart her legs are can change the sensation for woman-on-top positions.
This one is about where your hips are facing. If you start having sex face to face with man on top, she can rotate her hips so that she’s now on her side. You can combine this with changing up what your legs are doing, too–put one leg on his shoulder, roll over, and you’re in a whole new position! (See how these small changes can make a big difference in an organic way during sex? It’s easy to do and you don’t need to pause and pull out your phone!)
3. Prop yourself up
If she started on her back, prop up her back so she’s more in a sitting position. Change his position so he’s more leaning back, holding onto her hands or arms for support. If she’s on top, change his position by sitting up more or less, as well.
Basically, this one is about changing the angle between you and the bed. If you start closer to 90 degrees (sitting up), try moving more towards 180 degrees (lying down flat), or vice versa. Figure out what combination between you and your spouse feels best!
Does your marriage need some spicing up–and some fun?
4. Change what body part is holding your weight
If your weight is all on your back, try shifting so that your knees or your hands are holding up more of your weight. If you’re the one on top, try switching from your knees to your feet, or to your feet and hands. Depending on each of your strength and physical ability (be honest with yourself for this), you can try putting your weight more on your spouse’s shoulders if you prop your legs on his shoulders.
As well, you can help hold up your spouse’s weight by holding hands/grasping wrists during positions where one of you is leaning backwards. These kinds of differences can provide a new challenge to an old position and make the experience entirely different and new.
5. Move differently!
If you’re used to thrusting a certain way, why not try a different angle? Women, you can try grinding your hips while he is thrusting to see if you can find a combination that works great for both of you. You can also grab your spouse’s feet, legs, arms or hands and pull them while you thrust to change the depth you get with that position.
Also, if you’re usually a more passive partner during sex, take charge and try moving around more! Grab your spouse’s hips, legs, hands, or arms and use them to help you either guide the thrusting or do some thrusting yourself.
Trying new positions is fun–and the diagrams and instructions are definitely useful!
But I hope this was helpful for any of you who want some practical help with spicing things up in the moment without breaking up the rhythm of sex.
And, as I’ve said before, if you ever want diagrams that are safe (and kinda funny), the Sock Monkey Kama Sutra is awesome (it’s really less Kama Sutra-like and more just silly sock monkeys. But it’s funny!)
Read the rest of our Practical Sex Series:
- How to Try New Positions–Without Needing an Instructions Manual! (this one!)
- How to Have Great Sex Without Air Conditioning
- How to Get More Adventurous In Bed (July 17)
- Your Guide to Choosing Lingerie (July 24)
- How to Sync Your Libidos (July 31)
Sheila Wray Gregoire
Blog Contributor, Author, and Podcaster
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