How Can I Stop Being Self-Conscious About How Long it Takes for Me to Orgasm?

by | Oct 16, 2020 | Uncategorized | 33 comments

How to Stop Feeling Like you Take Too Long to Reach Orgasm
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Is orgasm elusive because the whole time you’re worrying that you’re taking too long?

We’re in the middle of our October orgasm series, leading up to the release of The Orgasm Course on October 26! I spent most of the week at my daughter Katie’s house right now while we filmed the videos for the men’s add-on to the Orgasm Course (it’s a course for women, but we’re creating an add-on for guys so that they can understand how women work!).

And the more we’ve researched this, looking at other survey results, and at our results from our own survey of 20,000 women, the more I think so much comes down to one thing, as we were talking about yesterday: At heart, women’s orgasm tends to be seen as an “extra”, rather than the main event. And this leaves women feeling broken if they don’t reach orgasm fast enough, and selfish if their husbands have to bring them to orgasm afterwards. And it can just lead to a general feeling of awkwardness.

If we didn’t feel as if her pleasure was secondary, I don’t think men would feel as depressed if their wives took longer to orgasm, or as lost. If we understood women’s sexuality–that we take longer; that intercourse doesn’t tend to be the main way most women reach orgasm; that we need to feel relationally connected and safe as well–then maybe we wouldn’t have so many couples feeling like there’s something wrong with her when she doesn’t act like him.

Here’s a woman writing in, talking about how self-conscious she feels because it takes so long to bring her to orgasm, and her husband seems lost:

I have been married for a little over 2 years. My husband and I were both virgins before marriage. I was very naive and had little real understanding of sex. It was very painful for me for the first year, which I thought was normal. Eventually I saw a gynecologist and was referred to a pelvic physical therapist who changed my life! As long as I keep up with my pelvic floor exercises and dilators, I have pain free sex now which is great.

However, after we got over that hurdle, I really desired to finally orgasm. I had never masturbated. But I never felt that my husband was touching me quite right. It always felt too sensitive and off-putting. All the Christian advice I’d read was to just show him how. But I didn’t even know what I was supposed to be feeling. I had no idea what worked. How could I show him something I didn’t even know?

He even bought a vibrator, and that felt way too intense and sensitive. So after talking, we decided that I should take some time to get to know my body, play around with self-stimulation and the vibrator. I read some advice online about how to use a vibrator and was almost immediately successful. What a relief it was to know that my body was capable! I was addicted. I knew what I was looking for now and that we needed to take a completely different approach than what we were doing before.

I knew I didn’t want to make self-stimulation a habit, I wanted to learn just to show my husband.

But he’s not getting it. Or he gets me so close and then moves, and I want to scream and rip it out of his hand and finish the job myself. It’s so incredibly frustrating. How do I teach him what to do? It’s difficult to communicate or explain exactly what I want.

I feel he has a poor understanding of female anatomy. And most of the time, we start off with some fun foreplay and sex, and then it’s “my turn” which just means he’s sitting at my feet, concentrating on my nether regions, constantly glancing up at my face to see if it’s “working.” I feel so self-conscious and so much pressure, while he waits for something to happen. I hate that “my turn” feels so disconnected to the rest of our sexual experience. My fantasy would be to orgasm while he’s inside me, but I don’t know how to get there.

I don’t want to be dependent on the vibrator. This has been such a roller coaster. Pain, relief, hope, disappointment. What should we do? I know I need to be more patient with him as he learns me, but when I struggle, it’s so easy to resent him for sex being such a breeze. He can’t possibly understand the frustration of having to fight and struggle for things to be pain-free and pleasurable. It’s easy to resent God for making it so easy for him and so hard for me. I thought virginity meant guaranteed great sex in marriage. That God would reward me. That’s what I was told. And nothing could be further from the truth.

We want orgasm to feel natural, but often the whole thing feels anything but.

How can it be natural when it’s taking so long and he’s trying one thing and then staring at your face to see if it’s working? You feel like you’re under a microscope, and it’s not something you’re just “doing”. We go over this in a lot of detail in our course, and we help the guys get the right attitude about this, too! (We’ve even using her quote about him “concentrating on my nether regions, constantly glancing up at my face to see if it’s “working.”” to help men see how NOT to act. Make sure you’re on the email list so you’ll get notified when the course launches–and you won’t miss the big launch week sale: 

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But today I actually want to throw this question out to all of you, and let you answer.

So I’m just going to give a few (super) quick thoughts today and then see what you all think.

Taking the lead can often make stimulation more fun and help him to “get” it

So take his hand and use it to stimulate yourself, so he feels what you want, and  you know it feels good.

Rub against his leg. Have him lie still and you can grind against different parts of him. Let him see that you CAN get excited, and he’ll learn what pressure/timing you like, too.

Play “Teacher”

Instead of just lying there while he tries to touch you, without really understanding what he’s doing, play “teacher”.

Or think of it like an eye doctor examination (I know that’s not sexy, but it’s the same concept). You know when you’re sitting in that chair, and they put the glasses on you, and they ask, “what’s better? A or B?”

And you choose B. So they they ask, “B or C?” And so on.

Have him try two different things, and then ask you what’s best. Help him to understand what feels better. And if you’re not sure, you’ll learn something, too! But often that’s better than him just doing one thing for 15 minutes that honestly doesn’t feel that great, while you have no idea what else to suggest.

Try the Intimately Us app!

I talked about this marriage & sex app last week, but I think it’s amazing, and I really think it will help this couple. Having him learn to touch with no idea what he’s doing can be really demoralizing for both of you. But if you have a game that tells you what to do, and that switches things up frequently so it’s not just doing any one thing, but it’s doing a combination of different things, can help you each discover what feels good.

And because the games start with emotional connection, it also helps you feel close and brings the tension level down at the beginning.

So much about the app helps you understand your own body, and helps your husband figure out your body, too. And sometimes all you need is that confidence that comes from figuring out WHAT new things you’re supposed to try! It’s much easier than him just lying at your feet, staring at your “nether regions” in confusion.

Finally, one last thought: the reason that we get self-conscious is because we still think that his experience should be the norm.

If men took 45 minutes to reach orgasm, and women took 25 or 30, we wouldn’t feel self-conscious about it in the same way at all.

The only reason we’re self-conscious is because we’re comparing ourselves to men, who tend to be faster.

But, ladies, this is how God made you! And husbands–this is how God made your wives!

That doesn’t mean it needs to take 45 minutes, or an hour, or whatever. Most women, when they figure out the orgasm piece, can reach orgasm in twenty minutes or so.

Nevertheless, the fact that it takes longer for you does not mean that there is something wrong with you or that you need to feel self-conscious or that he needs to feel like there’s something wrong with you.

You each just need to embrace the fact that  you are different. Your body needs to be played like a violin. He needs to become an afficianado, and that doesn’t happen automatically, and that’s okay.

I know it can be frustrating, and I know you can feel self-conscious, but again, I do think the root of that is women feeling as if our sexuality is somehow sub-par, and as if we have to “catch up” to the men. Really, I think God was trying to teach men that they need to slow down for the women! Sex is made so that men need to care for women. That’s just the way it works. And that can make us feel self-conscious, because we’re not used to being the centre of attention. It feels wrong somehow.

But for sex to work, she has to be willing to take, and he has to be willing to give. And you both actually have to embrace those roles!

I know many of you also feel self-conscious about taking so long to orgasm.

I know many of you can relate to the woman in the letter.

So I’d like to open this up for you in the comments: 

So it’s your turn to answer. What would you tell this woman? What would you tell her husband? How do you stop all this awkwardness? Let’s talk in the comments!

The Orgasm Series:

And don’t forget to check out:

  • 31 Days to Great Sex
  • The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex
  • And sign up to be notified when The Orgasm Course launches!
Sheila Wray Gregoire

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of Bare Marriage

Sheila is determined to help Christians find biblical, healthy, evidence-based help for their marriages. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8

Related Posts

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Author at Bare Marriage

Sheila is determined to help Christians find biblical, healthy, evidence-based help for their marriages. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8

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33 Comments

  1. Tina

    I won’t get too graphic, but the woman who wrote in commented about wanting to experience orgasm during penetration. For years, I was only able to achieve orgasm through manual / oral stimulation. Though my husband always prioritized my pleasure, I longed to achieve orgasm during intercourse. Through trial and error, we were able to figure out that I can achieve orgasm during penetration if I am on top while simultaneously receiving manual clitoral stimulation (with either my own hand or his). This was a real game changer – being able to reach orgasm TOGETHER! I hope this woman continues to try new things with her husband and finds something that works for them!

    Reply
  2. Laurel B

    Thanks for explaining how we are different from men in our sexual response, and giving us permission to take the time we need! I totally agree with commenter’s sentiment that it’s not sexy & kinda high pressure for your husband to be “down by the nether regions” when he’s stimulating you. This had been the case for us. I don’t remember if I asked him to come closer or if he just did, but it works so much better if we can snuggle & kiss while he’s giving me stimulation! Takes some of that pressure off & feels so much more intimate!
    But seriously – both of us having this knowledge (about women taking longer) before we married helped so much. He didn’t pressure me to go as fast he could, and I didn’t feel bad taking a long time. I mean, I do feel a little bad but I keep reminding myself that I deserve it too, and he WANTS me to enjoy this, and I’m not being selfish… 🤷 It’s a mental battle sometimes. Keep up the great work! I’m enjoying this series.

    Reply
    • Amateurgirl

      I believe is the obvious way to go, snuggling, kissing, being active while stimulating us, we are not just laying there waiting for that something.

      Reply
  3. Lisa

    I have loved this series. It gives me hope and I’m looking forward to the orgasm course.
    I’ve been married 8 years and never had an orgasm. The one time I was close hubby sighed and asked, “are you there yet?” Instant mood killer. I wasn’t there, but I was done. I’ve seriously considered asking him that question when I get bored in bed.
    So, I’m looking to the course, but entirely unsure how to get my husband on board. He thinks he’s great in bed (based on prior lovers – not my review), I really think those other women were faking, because there’s zero effort to make it feel good for me. I know he doesn’t want to hear that he’s not a good lover, but the fact remains he isn’t. I believe he could be, but I know he won’t be open to this “education” and will see it as a direct assault on his masculinity. On the one hand, I’m so bitter I don’t care: he’s been living in a fantasy world long enough. But on the other, I have sympathy for him, I love him and don’t wish to hurt him. What is a good wife to do?!

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      I hear you, Lisa! I think phrasing it in a positive way–“I want to have a passionate sex life with you, but right now I’m not having that because I’m not reaching orgasm. I’d really like you to help me. So will you take this course with me?” (We’ll have a men’s add on; women can take it alone, but we also have an add-on for guys.)
      I hope that helps! I’ll write more about this later this month, too, because I know it’s a big problem.

      Reply
    • George

      Say the truth —-and say it kindly (or in love). This will then be a win-win-win! Win for you. Win for him. Win for God!
      Being mutually satisfying is possible and doable. As you tram up—longer is the best. Quickies are good— but should be reserved for time crunches as a rule.
      P.S. If you both need to tag team if there is any fatigue of whatever is being desired in the foreplay —simply make that request. Be willing to give the time that your body needs to respond. Don’t put artificial pressures can you or your spouse. Make time your ally am not your enemy.And reserve enough time to have plenty of extra. What could be more important I —-really!
      Final point: no one can read each other’s minds are simply asked for what you desire. What a privilege to give it someone wants. You deserve the gift that God wants for you. And it is ultimately a fantastic gift for him to see you enjoying this mutual process of lovemaking.

      Reply
  4. Michelle S

    So much of orgasm for me is mental. I’ve been self conscious in the past about how long I take, but I remember (and my husband has told me) it’s all fun so relax. There’s also not a set “formula” to orgasm. What feels amazing one time doesn’t work the next. That’s part of what makes being intimate fun.
    It’s satisfying for a husband to bring his wife to orgasm, so I get the intensity and pressure to succeed on his end. Girl on top style positions are great for orgasming during intercourse, it can take the pressure off your husband to “get it right” and gives you some freedom to explore what feels great

    Reply
  5. mtKatie

    The fear is real! And it’s a self fulfilling prophecy. “I’m taking too long; I need to hurry up” thoughts just make it take even longer. I have always struggled with this. We’ve been married for 16 years and thanks to you , this is the first year of our marriage I have been able to even face the idea that it’s okay for us to pay attention to me. I am still a work in progress, totally in love with this month’s series so far.
    He’s always wanted to Do things for me, but I’ve never been comfortable letting it happen. There were some times I could, but it was always in the back of my head that I shouldn’t be selfish. I had even convinced my husband that I didn’t like receiving oral sex, just by constantly diverting his attention or asking him to stop after only a few minutes—because I couldn’t be okay with not focusing on him.
    He is very happy that I have been letting him convince me that I deserve attention too. But we still have lots of nights that I realize “the list” is in my head. (It’s late, he has to work tomorrow. What if the kids hear me, I don’t want to scar them for life. What if his arm-jaw-shoulder-etc gets tired and he doesn’t tell me? What if he really doesn’t like doing it at all and he’s been faking it all this time because that’s what he thinks he should do.) The list goes on and on because I have always been that personality type. Always wanting to make sure that everyone else is taken care of and has everything they could ever need, my everything is secondary.
    Introducing my husband to your blog and podcast has helped give us some of the words we needed for him to tell me that he has always tried to put me first and to make me realize I should have been letting him.
    I can’t thank you enough for what you do!

    Reply
    • AJ

      To the woman who’s been married 2 years whose comment initiated this post: have you tried the woman on top position? While your husband lies on his back, face him and straddle his body with his penis inside you, then LEAN Forward and support your upper body weight with your arms where you are almost horizontal. Leaning forward puts more pressure and friction on your clitoris. Then gently rock back and forth. This is the position in which my wife first discovered she could orgasm after 8 years of marriage. Even though she now after 20 years she orgasms very easily, this is still by far her (our) favorite position! It allows us to snuggle/kiss and hold each other while enjoying our bodies being connected. It gives her very good clitoral stimulation and it provides ample stimulation for me but it’s not too stimulating that I become a one minute wonder. This way she can get all the time she wants before I have my release. Leaning forward is really the key. As far as your husband learning about a woman’s anatomy, Ian Kern’s book ‘She Comes First’ is a very good resource. It’s definitely not written from a Christian perspective and has some colorful language but I believe it is a very comprehensive and accurate in describing a woman’s arousal and sexual response and how the different parts of her body work to make orgasm possible.

      Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      Oh, mtKatie, that’s so great! You’ve just made my day. It sounds like you have an awesome husband, too. I think so many men are like this–they really want their wives to enjoy themselves, but it’s so hard for us women to turn off all the negative messages!

      Reply
    • Wendy

      Your words could be mine, almost exactly, except that we have been married for almost 6 years. It is so hard not to worry that he’s bored, anxious, tired/arm hurting, etc. I, too, am working on “allowing” myself to be pleasured. It is so worth it when he makes me get there, but it does take a while

      Reply
    • George

      Don’t believe the lies. Just believe the truth, and the truth can set you —/ and him free!
      P.S. We applaud you for looking for help and being honest.

      Reply
  6. Tory

    Oh my goodness, when I read this woman’s story, my knee-jerk reaction was that I could NEVER orgasm if I was being watched like that! Instead of sitting between her legs, Her husband should try lying next to her and kissing her passionately while he uses the vibe/his hand. She can assist with her own hand or reposition his as needed.
    This accomplishes two important things: 1) kissing can be incredibly arousing to women, and can help women have an orgasm, and 2) it takes the pressure of being watched off the table, gives him something to do rather than stare at her face, and if you are locking lips then you aren’t watching each other and getting self conscious! To switch it up, he can move down and spend some time kissing her breasts, then move back up to kiss her mouth, all the while stimulating her clit. Another advantage is that bringing a woman to orgasm is best learned by feel, not by visual cues; watching her won’t help. He can offer some verbal encouragement by murmuring something like “mm, you look so sexy, my beautiful wife, I love watching you get turned on.” They should also adopt a “she goes first” approach, because then he will still have all that pent up sexual energy and will be more into it. They should also be using lube (I recommend coconut oil). He should also make sure that she knows that he is willing to do whatever it takes for as long as it takes. Women, we deserve this, and our husbands want this for us! Let’s not feel guilty. Come on, if it’s not happening for him for whatever reason, is he going to stop because he “feels bad” ? No, he will pound away for as long as it takes 🤣so don’t feel bad either!

    Reply
    • Andrea

      This is true and more. If he takes longer than usual and “pounds away” until it becomes painful for her, in most cases she won’t say anything, but will endure the pain until he comes. So not only are women willing to forego their own pleasure for his, they are also willing to suffer pain for it. It’s similar to that contrast between women worrying men will kill them and men worrying women will laugh at them — women worry they’re taking too long and that he’s bored/anxious/? like that’s the worst thing that could happen to him, but he can (obliviously) hurt her because she’ll ensure he never finds out.

      Reply
      • Sheila Wray Gregoire

        Yes, this is very true. And the rates of sexual pain that Christian women report are very high–higher than the general population.
        Women experience a lot of discomfort, largely because we’ve been taught, in Emerson Eggerichs’ words, that “he has a need you don’t understand.” You will never understand the depth of his sexual need, so anything you go through pales in comparison to him not experiencing sex the way he wants to.
        This is just so backwards. Sex was meant to be mutual, intimate, and pleasurable. Sex is about great passion for both! When we discount a woman’s experience, we cheat EVERYBODY, and we treat him like he’s automatically selfish. Many men don’t even want that! I do believe there’s a better way, and we’ve spent quite a while trying to communicate it effectively in our orgasm course!

        Reply
        • Andrea

          Too many rape apologists in Christendom, but I hope the #ChurchToo movement will eventually take care of it. I kind of see your blog as part of that movement. Jesus and John Wayne indeed. John Wayne would be the “wam-bam-thank-you-ma’am” lover, while Christian men are supposed to love their wives as Jesus loved the church. Do men really think women want John Wayne? Remember when all the purity girls gave up dating and decided Jesus was their boyfriend? Imagine spending your teenage + years preparing for a marriage to Jesus and then you get John Wayne?

          Reply
          • Boone

            Hey, don’t knock John Wayne! Haven’t you ever seen The Quiet Man? It’s the ultimate relationship movie. It has fly fishing, a fist fight and a hot wildcat redhead. Sean Thornton needs Mary Kate to understand that what he has for her is worth more than all the money in the world. Mary Kate needs to know that she’s worth fighting for. Red Will needs to be taken down a notch or two. The look that Mary Kate gives Sean when he throws Red Will’s money in the fire and tells him supper will be waiting on him also said that there was going to be a fantastic desert as well.

  7. Anon

    I’ll state the obvious and suggest turning off the lights every now and then. Not always. Or lights can be shut off part way through foreplay.
    I’m all for lights on, or mood lighting etc. But sometimes it’s nice to have the lights off and a really dark room on occasion. This allows a bit more freedom and excitement. That’s great if spouses want to see eachother, perfectly awesome, but it could take the pressure off of feeling watched and help one lose their inhibitions.
    I want to add that I don’t mean to make it seem simple or disregard the real struggle alot of people have. Don’t mean to come across that way and I realize it could be taken that way and just add to the frustration. I don’t want to do that at all. Turning off the lights has actually helped me to get into a mindset of getting more relaxed and comfortable in bed. Sometimes I don’t always think of the ‘obvious’ so thought I would mention it and I hope this reader who commented and many others will enjoy amazing mutually satisfying intimacy soon. Waiting is difficult and a lonely place to be.

    Reply
    • Anon

      I’m not suggesting that this is the answer either. Just saying this is part of a combination of things that has helped me.
      Communicating my thoughts isn’t my strength, sorry!

      Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      I think that’s actually a great idea! Sometimes lights can be helpful and a turn on; but sometimes bright lights are really intimidating. It’s why I often suggest couples talk about sexual things in the dark, or in the bath with very low lighting. When you can’t see each other’s faces, it’s often easier! (for people who find it awkward, I mean).

      Reply
  8. KT

    I’ve been married 12 years and have always had an easy time orgasming through manual stimulation. My husband has always been great at prioritizing my pleasure and making sure that I finish.
    I think even more than him, I really wanted to be able to orgasm through intercourse. We had tried every position and even bought a vibrator, but nothing seemed to help. Then suddenly within the last 12 months, I am having multiple orgasms through intercourse. I have ready that women tend to reach their sexual peak in their 30’s and I am 34. I just wanted to give women hope that just because it’s not happening today, doesn’t mean it won’t in the future.

    Reply
  9. KK

    We’ve been married 13 years and it’s taken a long time to learn what feels good for me. My hormones influence that a lot. Something that feels great at ovulation rarely works 3-4 days before my period.
    I usually need 2-3 forms of stimulation at a time to achieve climax. Intercourse plus manual stimulation, or manual and kissing, or manual and hubby saying sexy things or caressing my body. Doing just one form of stimulation at a time has worked only a handful of times ever.
    I can relate to the frustration. I, too, have wondered why it’s so hard to get there at times, especially when life is stressful and intimacy would help relieve the stress. It just takes a lot of communication, patience, prayer, and trial and error to see what works.
    Try new positions, combine manual plus intercourse (woman on top, or sit on the edge of a bed or chair for easy access), add more lube if there’s too much friction, change positions /angles / pressure after a few moments if it doesn’t feel good.

    Reply
  10. anon

    My parents told me pretty much nothing about sex except the phrase “ladies first” and I honestly didn’t know other couples moved onto intercourse until she’d had an orgasm until I read this blog. I always hold the vibrator if we use one because he’s on boob duty. I got a breast lift last year and my nipples don’t turn me on right now which stinks (and something my Dr assured me couldn’t happen haha) so we’re working through that but they’re not numb so I’m hoping we can retrain them. Over the years we’ve used a shower head, his hand, my hand, the tub faucet, a vibrator, hot tub jets and his tongue to get me there. Grinding absolutely does nothing for me so the leg thing or being on top isn’t my fave. And lights off yes please! SO MUCH sexier.

    Reply
  11. Joy

    I would also have a difficult time enjoying myself if he was just down there staring at me. I would find that off-putting. Plus, as someone else suggested, going after intercourse might not be a good idea. There’s less sexual tension, plus I find it kind of practical to go first because then you know sex has a definite end (when he orgasms, which is easier to pinpoint than female orgasm and also has no chance of a repeat in the immediate).
    And definitely, just move around his hand/vibrator/whatever and tell him not to move until you say so. Of he’s a nice man (which he sounds like he is) he won’t mind!

    Reply
  12. LSharonC

    I’m so glad this woman and her husband are trying to figure this out relatively early in their marriage. My husband and I have been married almost 15 years and we are just now untangling all the wrong things we’ve believed for so long (thanks in large part to this blog and podcast) and I have finally been reaching orgasm more regularly. Sex is actually mutual, as it should be! We are both so grateful. I definitely have struggled like this woman, though, to know my own body and to be patient with my husband as he clumsily figures things out. I often feel bossy when I tell him to stop doing something or to touch lighter or something, but he actually likes it when I speak up and am specific! And I have learned to be okay with guiding his hands in touching me in a way that feels good. Also, I always go first now, then we have intercourse afterward so he can finish. I’ve also found it helpful to guide his penis with my hands to stimulate me down there without penetrating. That also frees up his hands to touch my breasts or other parts of me. Sometimes I’m on top for this, and sometimes he is. He has said it feels really good for him when we do that, too, but not so good that he climaxes early. Also, practically, we keep the lights really low, the thermostat up (so I’m not cold/tense) and I like having quiet music on because it keeps my mind from wandering and also helps me lose the sense of time. We are still figuring it out and have spent years feeling frustrated, but I am incredibly thankful that through many conversations, learning, and trial-and-error, we are finally figuring it out. I hope that’s the case for the woman you mentioned and for many others as well! Thank you for all the time you put into these resources.

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      What a great comment, LSharon! Thank you so much. I think that’s so encouraging. And I want to highlight a few things–yes, most men really do appreciate guidance. It’s not rude to tell him what feels good! And I totally agree with you about the heater/air conditioner thing. I’ve often said, “if you want to turn the heat up in the bedroom, you may actually want to turn the heat up!” Being cold is not fun.

      Reply
  13. D

    Not sure which post this question would be most in line with, but I am curious how many other people easily achieve orgasm at ovulation and never during the rest of their cycle.
    During the nonfertile days before and after ovulation, my ability to get/stay aroused plummets dramatically.
    Is this normal? Is there a hormone imbalance at the root of this? Is there anything a person can do about it?
    Thanks!

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      It’s certainly normal that it’s EASIER during ovulation, yes. It’s also often easier between your period and ovulation, and then it can tend to be quite difficult after ovulation (or at least you need a lot more time to warm up). Usually it doesn’t mean that you can’t reach orgasm at all, but only that you’ll need more time. If it’s truly a black/white thing, where things are completely different, it may be worth talking to a physician about it, because it’s likely affecting other things as well.

      Reply
    • Fiona

      I must comment on why there are always so few husbands chipping in on to posts like this, but on articles about sexless marriages or ‘not getting his needs met’, they dominate the comments section ( and with very little interest to the reasons why). Her lack of orgasm could very well be one of the answers you are looking for. I know there are some understandimg husbands out there, but why are they not on here? This is common on just about all Christian marriage blogs. If they do comment, it’s usually to tell us wives what our orgasm means to THEM.

      Reply
  14. Stefanie

    I could have been this letter writer. When she said…
    “But he’s not getting it. Or he gets me so close and then moves, and I want to scream and rip it out of his hand and finish the job myself. It’s so incredibly frustrating. How do I teach him what to do?”
    This has been the last 10 years of my life. Aside from a handful of orgasms during our our first year, this has been us.
    Question for you all…we are trying now to get me to orgasm. I haven’t taken the course yet, but we’re reading the blogs and listening to the podcasts. It’s been two weeks, and we’ve been trying a few times a week. I’m not there yet, and we’ve agreed together that he will not orgasm if I don’t. So neither of us has been finishing. My husband has been very encouraging, telling me he’s okay, and that he’s committed to figuring this out. However, I feel insecure, like I need to hurry up and figure this out so we can get back to a “normal” sex life.
    So my question…are we doing the right thing? Or should we give a good effort to get me to orgasm, but if it doesn’t happen, he can still have PIV sex and finish? And then what about me? It’s been 10 years of no orgasms for me. Btw, I can masturbate to orgasm, but I try not to do that. Also, I could never do that in front of him. It would be too weird, and I would be too self-conscious to finish. We don’t use a vibrator, either. Should I just bite the bullet and get one?

    Reply

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