Sex matters in marriage.
When sex is mutual, intimate, and pleasurable for both, sex makes you feel connected. It minimizes minor tensions and makes you laugh. It helps you sleep and makes you feel more relaxed. And it contributes significantly to marital satisfaction.
For the last month we’ve been talking about the dangers of obligation sex–the idea that a wife is obligated to give her husband sex when he wants it. In our survey of 20,000 women for The Great Sex Rescue, this was the most dangerous message that we measured. It lowered women’s libido, lowered orgasm rates and sexual satisfaction, lowered marital satisfaction, and increased rates of sexual pain. It was horrible.
I’ve been trying to argue the other side–that sex is not a male entitlement and a female obligation, but rather something that is for both of you. And when we turn it into an obligation, we change the very nature of sex.
As we’re coming to the end of that series, I wanted to add another element into the discussion, and it’s this:
Sex is a vital part of a healthy marriage.
Please pay attention to those last two words: healthy marriage. Sex cannot create a healthy marriage on its own. It can’t fix an unhealthy one. And, indeed, having sex when you don’t feel close can even contribute to the marriage feeling worse, because she can end up feeling used.
If you’re feeling distant in your marriage; if you’re feeling at all used; if you’re feeling like your spouse sees sex as an obligation; if you’re carrying too much of the mental load and emotional labor for the family and you’re exhausted; if your spouse won’t emotionally connect with you; if your spouse won’t deal with important issues–that’s what you work on first.
Sex is meant to be the culmination of everything you are together; it isn’t the cause of it.
And if sex is supposed to be intimate emotionally, physically, and spiritually, then that intimacy has to already be present. You can’t really “know” someone in different ways if you’re holding back from each other.
I’m not saying that you should never have sex if there are problems in your relationship; everything depends on the type and severity of the problem, as well as your own relationship. I will say that if you feel like it’s necessary to take sex off the table for your own mental or relational health, please see a licensed counselor and work through the issues, even if you have to go alone (and in abusive cases that’s really the only way to do it).
So please, please remember that I am talking in this post to people who don’t have substantial marriage problems, who do feel pleasure during sex, who do feel like they have an otherwise good marriage. If that’s not you, then please go back to the beginning of this series on obligation sex and read there!
Here’s where things get tricky, though:
Just because obligation sex is wrong doesn’t mean that sex doesn’t matter in marriage.
It isn’t okay to tell someone they don’t have a choice about when to have sex (and that’s what this whole series has been about!).
But it also isn’t right to take sex off the table in an otherwise healthy marriage, or to put it so much on the backburner that you leave your spouse really lonely and disappointed. I want to add that balance into the obligation sex series, because I’ve spent so long arguing that sex is not an entitlement, but I don’t want people to think I’m saying that sex doesn’t matter.
When we marry, we do vow that the marriage will be a sexual relationship. That’s what sets marriage apart from other types of relationships–you’re sexually exclusive with this person for life.
Of course, sex is not merely intercourse. Being “sexually exclusive” does not mean that you give your spouse access to use you as a masturbatory aid with no pleasure for yourself, or to see you as primarily a sexual outlet. As we’ve talked about at length, sex is meant to be mutual, intimate, and pleasurable for both, and if those conditions aren’t there in your marriage, that’s what you’re meant to address first. And if your marriage is great and even sex is on the road to being great, but you just can’t figure out the orgasm piece, we’ve got an orgasm course that can help with that!
But good sex is supposed to be a part of a great marriage. When you marry, you are saying that this will be a sexual relationship.
You may also enjoy:
- Redefining Sex: Seeing sex as an expression of your relationship, not an individual need
- The Myth of the Magic Penis podcast (why sex needs to center on her too, and why sex that focused on him isn’t a “gift” for women)
- The Orgasm Series
- The “Let’s Go to Dinner” Saga, and why women may not want sex
- Is Sex a Need or a Drive?
What does the research say about sex frequency?
Here’s how we explained it in The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex:
Does that mean frequency doesn’t matter at all? No, not exactly. It’s just that the relationship isn’t as straightforward as we may think. A study from York University in Toronto, led by psychology professor Amy Muise, found that more sex is better—to a certain extent. Time magazine reported her findings: “Muise and her study team found that couples who have a lot of sex tend to experience better wellbeing. ‘Sex is associated with feeling more satisfied in a relationship,’ Muise says. But beyond once a week, the wellbeing benefits of sex seem to level off. That’s not to say that having sex a few times a week (or more) is a bad thing. It just doesn’t seem to make couples any happier, she says.”
So frequent sex is good, but it’s not everything.
That’s what our data found, too. There’s a huge increase in marital satisfaction once couples have sex at least once a week, and more keeps being better–until you hit daily sex. Then things take a big dive (because people who have sex everyday are often doing so because of major obligation and entitlement. Sex should ebb and flow with what’s happening in your life. If it doesn’t, that’s usually a sign that something is up).
People who have sex more frequently, in general, tend to have happier marriages.
Yes, it’s true that happier marriages also tend to have sex more frequently, and it’s a bit of a chicken and egg. But we do find that marital satisfaction really suffers if sex becomes infrequent.
Now, we also found that very few happy marriages make sex infrequent!
When things are going well, people tend to want to have sex.
But I do want to just emphasize in this post the idea that, if you are in a good marriage, sex should be a priority.
It’s harder to prioritize sex today.
Life is really, really different today than it was even when Keith and I were married. There was no high speed internet. Video games were far less widespread and kind of lame. There were only a few TV channels.
At night, then, your options were quite limited. By 11:00 the dramas and good shows were over. The local news was over. You could stay up and watch the late night talk shows, but other than that, your options were pretty much gone. So people tended to head to bed together at earlier times and at the same time.
Today what often happens is that you may have every intention of having sex tonight, but you get into another show on Netflix and just keep watching the next episode. Or you get on a rabbit trail looking something up on the internet and suddenly it’s late. You’re exhausted. There’s no natural “off” cycle anymore in the evenings.
It’s just harder to prioritize each other at all. Keith and I have noticed the difference from when we were first married. We didn’t really have a problem heading to bed at a decent time then (now, that was also because we had small kids and we were exhausted), but the pull was very different than it is today.
When we don’t prioritize sex, our spouse can feel lonely, and our marriage can grow more distant.
Neither of those are want we want.
As we’re wrapping up our obligation sex series, then, I wanted to remind people that sex is actually important.
The reason that obligation sex is so ugly is that it takes something which is supposed to be a beautiful expression of how you feel about each other and it turns it into an entitlement. Instead of it being a deep “knowing” of someone, it actually erases someone’s personhood, because it says, “I have the right to use you however I want.” That’s disgusting.
But precisely because sex is supposed to be this beautiful expression is also why we can’t let it go by the wayside. Obligation sex would not be as ugly if the intention for sex was not so beautiful.
For those who have been living with obligation sex, the aim needs to be safety for the one who was pressured and healing from the obligation message, while ending entitlement.
But if that isn’t your story, then please, remember that sex truly is meant to be a gift, and it is a vital part of a healthy marriage. That’s what we tried to convey especially in The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex and The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex. We tried to show the beauty while also getting rid of obligation.
And if you want to prioritize sex, but it just isn’t happening, check out our Boost Your Libido course too!
Our goal here at Bare Marriage is to change the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to make it into something mutual and beautiful rather than entitlement and obligation. But once it is mutual–then let’s also prioritize sex and make it wonderful, because that was the intention. And you don’t want to miss out on it!
What do you think? Is it harder to prioritize a good sex life today? How important is sex to a good marriage that’s otherwise healthy? Let’s talk in the comments!
The Obligation Sex Series
- 10 Things to Know about Obligation Sex
- Why Obligation Sex Destroys Libido (and how it affects us long-term)
- Are Obligation Sex and Marital Rape the Same Thing?
- A Way Forward to Recovery from Obligation Sex
- Why Obligation Sex Can Make Sex Feel Disgusting
- You Don't Need to Consent to Being Used (what to do when your husband insists on obligation sex)
- How Higher Drive Spouses Can Avoid Giving the Obligation Sex Message
- 10 Ways Men Can Initiate Sex Without Pressuring Her
- The Obligation Sex podcast
Previous Posts on Obligation Sex
- Can We Honor our Bodies' Rhythms?
- Does 1 Corinthians 7 Mean that Women Have No Sexual Autonomy?
- What Happens When Men Believe the Obligation Sex Message?
Previous Podcasts on Obligation Sex
- New Research on the effects of Obligation Sex
- The Myth of the Magic Penis
- Marital Rape, Consent, and the Problems with Obligation Sex
Plus please see our Great Sex Rescue Toolkit for handy downloads about the effects of obligation sex that you can give to your pastor, counselor, small group leader--anyone who teaches it!
And see chapters 9 and 10 in The Great Sex Rescue for all our charts, stats, and commentary!
All so very true. The obligation sex message is traumatizing, so healing can take a while. It seems that often where the obligation sex message is practiced there are other issues in the marriage as well. If a man believes he’s entitled in the bedroom, there is often a whole line of thinking that needs to be in place for him to believe his needs are more important. And that line of thinking shows up in other areas of life. For example, his work is more important, she should be the primary child care provider, he’s the leader, etc.
This obligation sex message is not sold to us in a vacuum. There are so many other areas that must be in place for people to believe that a man has the right to use his wife’s body, and I know you’ve been talking about that, Sheila. My point is just that obligation sex is often the tip of the iceberg to many other unhealthy ways of seeing marriage and intimacy, and all of those unhealthy attitudes create real, devastating trauma.
It takes time to undo the years or decades of mistreatment, lack of balance, selfishness, etc. and using your spouse breaks trust. The devastation is way deeper than just the couple’s sex life. I speak from 30 years of experience.
The good news is that we can heal, but no healing can happen until both spouses see the horrific effects of the obligation sex message.
Great article, as the headline appropriately says, sex IS important in marriage.
Nice to hear in this day and age where so many are trying to minimize it’s importance or turn in into a negative thing. After all, God created both sex and marriage.
Thank you Bare Marriage and Ms. Gregoire.
>> I’m not saying that you should never have sex if there are problems in your relationship;
This is a good point also. If you wait to have sex until everything in the marriage is absolutely perfect, then you never will.
I’ve seen some places here and there on the Internet mentioning you and that your site is opposed to sex itself, but that’s obviously wrong. You’re opposed to OBLIGATION sex and its relatives, but not good, healthy sexual intimacy.
—>” If you wait to have sex until everything in the marriage is absolutely perfect, then you never will.”.
Excellent point Nathan, and one of the best practical points to be made on this topic.
perfect, no that is not necessary, no one has a “perfect” marriage. It should be a good, happy healthy marriage and if one person is feeling that it is not, its okay to take sex off the table while you get back on track.
I agree sex in a marriage that is healthy and happy and everyone is having pleasurable orgasmic sex is important. If any of those things are not happening, then you have to fix those things first.
I have a real problem with trying to tell couples how much sex is enough sex, that itself creates an obligation. No one should be thinking “oh no its been two weeks we better get to it tonight or our marriage, which is fine and happy, will have troubles”, that is obligation, and making sex a chore on the to do list. Thinking that your marriage is in jeopardy because you are not having enough sex is an obligation message. If you are in a happy and healthy marriage being told more sex is better, better get to having more sex folks, you have a healthy marriage so keep it that way, causes problems. You can be intimate without sex, you can be silly without sex, you can laugh together and enjoy each other without sex. Even if you both enjoy and find pleasure from sex, you may find other things are more needed or enjoyable at times as a couple then keeping to a sex schedule. Sex is a good thing, but couples together can figure out what works for them without the obligation message of more is better, or the lower libido partner needs to give more to the higher libido partner or something is wrong, that is also obligation.
I think if you have been following Sheila for a while you will realize that this is very much where she stands. But she is also very right in saying that it is easy for sex to fall by the wayside even in a healthy marriage, and that couples need to be aware of this and not allow it to happen.
I have been following Shelia for quite a while now. I don’t agree that couples need to focus so much on sex that they worry if they are having enough of it. If the marriage is healthy and happy they don’t need to look for problems where there are no problems. Let be real here, the vast majority of followers on this site are women. It will be women who read this and think they were doing fine and then read this and wonder if they will have trouble because the sex they do have is not enough sex, its not following the stats and so something needs to be fixed, hence now they feel obligated to make more time for sex. My husband and I live too far in the country to do date nights often, because of lack of local restaurants and safe baby sitters. We rarely do date nights the hassle of driving an hour to drop our kids with grandparents then picking them back up after the date makes it not worth it. So we do quick work week lunch dates every once in a while, but they are always quick and casual. It works, but some would say we need to prioritize date nights. People don’t fit into boxes, we are all different.
Agree 100%
>> you have to fix those things first.
Also a good point. Too many church counsellors tell people that the one and only solution to all problems in marriage is more sex, and if the marriage is broken, that will often make it worse
Meh. My husband and I have sex once a month. I grew up in very conservative Evangelicalism and absorbed all the harmful messages about sex, even though my husband was raised in a much more egalitarian home and didn’t expect me to be like the submissive blow-up doll that evangelicals say wives should be. It took years for me to get free from those messages and reclaim my own sexual autonomy. Now, my sex drive has recovered and I wouldn’t mind having sex at least once or twice a week if it didn’t take so much mental and emotional work for it to be enjoyable. My husband is very sweet and gentle and makes sure I orgasm, but he is not creative when it comes to sex and he also is not good about trying to emotionally connect with me outside of sex, and I refuse to have sex unless I feel like we’ve connected at least a little bit.
I never feel spontaneously sexually attracted to him and I have to mentally talk myself into having sex with him. I have sometimes wondered if I’m bisexual or even lesbian because I have far more emotionally fulfilling conversations with women and I notice women’s bodies way more than men’s. I love my husband and we make great life partners and parents together. But sexually I don’t think we are very compatible, and I think if evangelicalism hadn’t brainwashed us into believing that we had to be virgins when we married, we might have found that out ahead of time.
Sheila, I have followed you for years and you are a huge reason why I started to break away from the toxic beliefs about sex. I know that you still believe and teach that the ideal is no premarital sex, but I think you have to face up to the fact that sexual incompatibility exists in people, and it’s not always because of selfishness or vice– sometimes it’s just a difference in personalities and preferences. If you’re going to tell young people not to have sex before marriage, then ten or fifteen years down the road you could very well end up with couples in marriages that are always going to be sexually unsatisfying for one or both partners. I’m pretty much resigned that as long as my husband and I are together I am never going to be truly sexually fulfilled– and because he’s such a great man and we have a good marriage in all other respects it’s not worth breaking up our marriage over, especially because we have young kids. But there are those times when it’s really hard and I just cry in the shower for the sexual passion, excitement, and eroticism that I may never get to experience.
But you also say that you don’t often feel emotionally connected to your husband outside of the bedroom, either? And honestly, I think if you are not attracted to your husband now, it’s probable that you weren’t then (before marriage) either? And sex in the beginning can be awkward and feel like a struggle, either inside or outside of marriage, but then it can work out very well if the couple is committed to the relationship and gives it enough time. So I don’t think premarital sex would offer a very accurate answer to the sexual compatibility question.
I really feel for you as you feel the pain of missing out on a good sexual connection. I have been in a similar situation for over thirty years, and it is very painful. I wish you the best as you navigate your way forward.
Hi Lisa, I rarely feel the kind of deep, intimate knowing with my husband that Sheila talks about so often as needful for sex. It’s not that I have zero emotional connection with him– if I’ve had a hard day I can talk with him about it and he’ll comfort or encourage me. But his personality and mine are very different, and he rarely spontaneously tries to connect with me: usually I have to initiate. And that is very off-putting to me when it comes to sex.
I don’t know if I was sexually attracted to my husband or not before we married. I certainly enjoyed kissing him and snuggling with him and making out with him when we were dating and engaged, but because of purity culture I felt guilty for enjoying it so I literally forced myself not to feel any kind of sexual arousal when we did. I was so desperate for romantic love, and so convinced that to be a good Christian wife I wasn’t allowed to have any kind of emotional or physical needs, that it wasn’t until we’d been married seven years and I first started following Sheila that I started recognizing my own sexuality and asking myself what I wanted sexually.
Probably if we’d had sex before marriage I would have been too consumed with guilt to learn anything from the experience because of the purity culture I was raised in. And I’m not sorry I married my husband, even if we are sexually incompatible– everything we’ve been through together has forged a partnership that I think is a good one, aside from sex. But I want the whole package for my kids, and I am certainly not going to tell them that they have to wait until marriage to have sex. I don’t want them to be sexually promiscuous, but if they are in loving, healthy relationships I think sex is a natural outflow of that, whether they’re married or not. Another lie purity culture told us was that having sex before marriage would wreck your future marriage, and that’s just bulls**t. I know plenty of people who have had sex before marriage and it hasn’t affected their marriages at all.
As far as what’s “biblical”– that’s just a weaponized word that Christians use to enforce their own opinions on other people’s behavior. In my research, it is very dubious at best to claim that the Bible condemns premarital sex– the entire Old Testament sexual ethic is based on the assumption that women were property and had no sexual autonomy whatsoever (that’s why if a man slept with another man’s wife, he was considered as having sinned against the husband, because he literally stole his property.) And the New Testament is very sketchy, since it all depends on the translation of the word porneia which has no clear meaning in English, especially when you look at what was cultural at the time. Personally I believe that, as with most of the Bible, you can make it say whatever you want it to. The important thing is to look at the “fruit” as Jesus said– and I think the fruit of the “premarital sex is always wrong no matter what” fruit is mixed at best. Certainly it’s produced a ton of shame and guilt in thousands of young women (and men) that has negatively affected their lives for years.
Wow, I read what you said and find that you and I have been going through so many of the same thought processes! I absolutely agree that premarital sex is not strictly prohibited in the Bible (though I will still say that it is probably a pretty healthy thing to practice self control, and/or be absolutely sure that it is something you really WANT to do rather than something you just fall into), and frankly, so much of purity culture turned out to be bulls**t in my eyes that I am just DONE. It was purity culture that had me convinced that the lack of connection between me and my husband was *my* fault because of previous activity, which in turn prevented me from reaching out for help (because this was all my fault and no one could change that!),and also prevented me from paying attention to giant red flags that could have saved my naive little butt if I had heeded them.
I have actually apologized to a couple of my children for teaching them purity culture rules. (Haven’t had opportunity to do so for all of them yet.)
I can really relate to trying to shut down sexual attraction because of the injunctions against the act, though I really did enjoy kissing and cuddling. (Though frankly, not so much with the guy I married.) But I was desperate for romantic love (I had a severe dearth of all other kinds and that seemed to be my last hope!) and thought that because I was “obeying God,” it would all work out.
All that to say, yeah, I can really hear you. And I’m glad I’m not alone in come of the conclusions I’m reaching. 🙂
Well done for working through so much of the garbage that was inflicted on you so that you are able to build a strong marriage, even if the sex is ‘meh’. It’s not easy to ditch past unhelpful teaching.
I’m not sure that premarital sex is the answer to having a marriage that connects well at all levels though – I suspect that the purity culture teaching you absorbed damaged far more than your attitude toward sex in general – including your expectations of what to expect from a guy when dating. Usually, women are also taught not to expect much from their husbands – so girls from this background who are dating/courting are supposed to be concerned to make sure that he doesn’t smoke or drink or swear and that he goes to church regularly, but things like connecting with you are ’emotional’ and therefore not important to this way of thinking.
I have a friend who has recently broken up with a guy, and while she is free of purity culture teaching in so far as she knows sex is meant to be good for both partners etc, it’s clear that she is still carrying so much baggage. The relationship was verbally and emotionally abusive, and it’s her purity culture background that has stopped her seeing this. All that ‘marriage is meant to be hard’ and ‘only selfish women place emotional expectations on their husbands’ means that a guy who treats her like dirt is seen as a good prospective partner because he doesn’t smoke and he goes to church regularly (while wearing a suit!!!) and knows how to quote the Bible…
Although this is rather late to comment, I feel so strongly that this is probably a far more common situation than people realise in conservative Christian communities. In my experience the only thing that is really non-negotiable as a young person in many churches is that you marry a fellow Christian. While being on the same page belief wise is a good idea, I don’t believe it’s a substitute for more prosaic factors. Sex is shamed so naturally we avoid getting too close to people we might be truly attracted to, and we can end up with someone we honestly aren’t.
I know a number of marriages where I suspect this has happened. In my own case I married a dear friend who was keener on me than I was on him, believing that somehow it would all work out when we were married. If we had been intimate earlier on that illusion would have become obvious. Long story short we divorced over 30 years ago and the shame and long term fallout has been massive. I’ve remained single since but often reflect on the irony that shaming pre marital sex while insisting that sex in marriage is compulsory, and that natural human emotions and attraction is less important than holiness and divine love is a deeply toxic mix.
Hi Harriet. I am probably going to get smacked for this reply but I am going to do it anyway. First I am sorry for your unsatisfactory in your marriage situation. However, what I have read in your comment is that you are deflecting your anger on Sheila because she upholds the scripture. You seemed to have done the same in upholding scripture also in your choice with your husband and are now not happy that you did so. There are a multitude of other reasons that have been shared here over the years and apparently you have read since you have been here so long as to why it is not only biblical but best to wait for marriage to have sex. Seems to me you have unresolved issues and now you want to deflect them on someone else. Just not fair. I will allow all comments and feedback and will take any criticism on this without any reaction from me. Todays post was supposed to be a wonderful positive spin and it is so unfortunate that Sheila gets dirt thrown on her and commenters go on the attack. Even people who have been coming around here for a long time. They decide that because they have problems they are going to blame someone who is trying to help them. Whats up with that? 🤷🏼♂️
Hi Phil– I know you’re a long time commenter and a staunch defender of Sheila. I am not angry AT ALL at Sheila. Even though I no longer consider myself a Christian, Sheila is one of the very few Christians with a public platform whom I still admire and recommend. In a time where it seems like the vast majority of public Christians care far more about their own power and influence than they do about the people in their audience, I believe that Sheila and her team truly care about their followers, and I admire her for how she has stood up to the Evangelical machine, spoken truth to power, and called out toxic teachings. In my comment I was not throwing any dirt at Sheila. I’m just expressing what I believe to be true and that I have experienced: part of confronting the toxic effects of purity culture and patriarchy in the Christian church is facing up to marriages like mine, where we have two good-hearted people who love each other, who make great partners and friends, but lousy lovers. I enjoy hanging out with my husband most of the time. We can have a lot of fun together, especially now that our kids are school-aged and we’re not so exhausted all the time. He’s a wonderful, supportive partner who has stuck with me through grief, loss, mental illness, and other traumas. He’s been humble and teachable and was willing to grow and mature out of his own patriarchal mindset. I can’t imagine not doing life with him. But our sex life is meh, and though we’ve talked many times over the years, and I’ve tried to explain what it is I need/long for, I feel like he literally doesn’t understand, that his brain works so differently from mine that there’s just a disconnect. And again– it’s not worth it to me to break up our marriage over. So I try to be okay with the fact that sex will probably never be the intimate, passionate, exciting thing for me that Sheila talks about. And I just wish there was more acknowledgement of that– that you can have a great marriage with a “meh” sex life.
Harriett, props to you and your courage here to actually build up and encourage your marriage and your sexual relationship with your husband. You never said you had an “unsatisfactory marriage” as some here try to say you did. You two keep enjoying each other sounds like you have a marriage lots of people would enjoy and do envy.
You go girl.
Thanks Diana. I appreciate it. When I look around at the men in this country and especially the marriages of women who grew up in the church, I feel very lucky I married the man I did. I know it could be so so much worse than having a “meh” sex life. I would love to have a vibrant, passionate sex life, but I wouldn’t want to trade the security, affection, and partnership of my real marriage to get it.
This: “facing up to marriages like mine, where we have two good-hearted people who love each other, who make great partners and friends, but lousy lovers.”
I just thought that I wasn’t “romantically inclined”, because I had never experienced that deep longing for my husband. We got married young, because we were dating, and that was the expected thing, and I really wanted to move on with my “future” and marriage felt like the path to that. We believe, and had been taught, that if we were just virgins who loved God and were faithful in the future, it would all be ok and great sex would be our reward. Feeling passion towards my spouse didn’t seem to be a necessary part of that, and for some people it isn’t.
But I have since realized that I do in fact have a lot of pent up sexual energy that it has never once, in our entire marriage, been sparked by my husband (though I do physical/sexual attraction towards men, just, unfortunately, not the one I married). He is a beyond wonderful man, we are incredible friends, but we are, as you put it, lousy lovers. I have followed every recommendation for how to have a great sex life, and outside of sex our relationship really is great, but it has never happened. I truly don’t think that it is possible to manufacture sexual desire towards someone if it never existed, and I wish I had known that 15 years ago.
I agree with you about sexual incompatibility. It is one of the evangelical teachings I believed for a long time and realizing that sexual incompatibility does exist (through my own personal experience and hearing from my married friends) lead to a huge breakdown in my evangelical beliefs.
I think that if people want to wait for marriage, that is fine. The church should be honest about the risks though. Painting waiting for marriage as a purely good thing with no potential negative consequences is really cruel and unethical. Couples with fundamental incompatibilities are going to be blindsided and feel unnecessary shame. I think there are ways to reduce the risk of sexual incompatibility while waiting for marriage but refusing to acknowledge that the risk exists means that couples have no tools to address this issue and work through it together before marriage.
To be clear, I also think there are risks to having premarital sex as well (and those risks can be much greater), but I think Christian couples need to be able to have honest conversations with each other and make informed decisions with out this binary thinking and shaming/controlling narrative the church puts out. It’s unkind to everyone.
Waiting for marriage is a big part of church traditional teachings and that is not something to be taken lightly, but it isn’t explicitly and clearly taught in the Bible and that is also important. There is room for some nuance in this conversation. Lacking nuance is causing harm. I hope we can do better for future generations.
Yes! I just want everyone to be honest. There can be some great things about waiting for marriage, particularly when it comes to the risk fo pregnancy. But there are also risks to waiting. I have a daughter, and personally, I would feel uncomfortable with recommending that she wait until marriage, because of all the horror stories I’ve read about girls marrying guys whom they thought were wonderful, only to find out on their wedding night that they were monsters. It’s a lot harder for guys to hide who they really are during the intimacy of sex, and I would rather my daughter know ahead of time that she’s with someone who is safe and kind and treats her with respect and gentleness before she commits to marriage. It’s a whole lot easier (and less traumatic) to break up with someone than it is to get a divorce.
It could equally be said that she confirm that “she’s with someone who is safe and kind and treats her with respect and gentleness before she ” decides to have sex with them. I don’t argue with “the horror stories I’ve read about girls marrying guys whom they thought were wonderful, only to find out on their wedding night that they were monsters”, I am sure this has happened and happens a lot, especially with men who have grown up with high speed internet porn for their “sex education”. One of the horrific things about porn, is that it teaches men to view sexual degradation of women, as something the women really want and get sexual satisfaction from. So they may be acting as “monsters”, as they think that is what is expected and wanted!!!!! I would argue that such/all men should read Sheila’s books and posts, to get properly educated, before they have sex, regardless of whether in a marriage or not. Discussing these perspectives with their girl friends, is probably a better way to prepare for a sexual relationship, than trying it before marriage, to see if it works.
I can see “It’s a lot harder for guys to hide who they really are during the intimacy of sex”, but I am not sure it is any more who they “really are” than other aspects of relationships (parenting, finances, holiday planning, division of chores …). In all areas we need to keep learning to love our wives better.
So maybe that’s just an argument for living together before marriage to make sure other aspects of your lifestyles are compatible, not just sex. 🙂
Sounds like test-driving a boyfriend (or girlfriend) before committing.
Have you ever heard the phrase “rape test”?
Examples would be….
Go to the beach, in an ordinary swimsuit, with your boyfriend. See if he still treats you like a person.
Or kiss. As in french-kissing. Does he respect boundaries or not?
You still can’t know if you’re sexually compatible if you’re both virgins. If you’ve both had other partners and learned your own preferences then I could see that communicating clearly with a prospective spouse about what you like and expect from sex could work. But the Christian ideal is two virgins getting married. And I think that brings its own set of baggage and issues, just because you can’t know what makes sex good for you until you’ve had it.
My husband and I have been together 20 years now, married after 4 years living together. We moved in together after dating for 2 weeks and have been together ever since. Neither of us came into the relationship virgins. I had been married before, but I was not a virgin before that marriage either. I did not grow up in purity culture and while my family attended a Lutheran church we didn’t consider virginity to be the huge thing it is to say evangelical believers. My husband has a child, who passed away as an infant, he is agnostic, no purity culture for him either. We are extremely compatible in our sex drives. I can’t imagine our marriage being any stronger, and neither of us regret the experiences we had with other partners and each other that led us to where we are today.
All that to say, not waiting works well for some, just like waiting works for others.
Thanks for posting this, Harriet. For me personally, I had sex before marriage, and it was a really really good decision for me. I was so terrified that premarital sex was going to “ruin my life” like purity culture said, and the fear was taking a huge toll on my mental health. I finally decided I needed to “face my fear” to find out once and for all if sex would “ruin my life”, so I did have sex (with my boyfriend that I had been dating for over a year- who is now my husband), and I’m happy to report it didn’t ruin my life. All the fear suddenly disappeared. I’m so glad I did that, I can’t imagine having to live with that level of fear for several more years before we got married.
Also, I didn’t know I was asexual, until I tried having sex. I’m glad I did, because otherwise my discovery that I’m asexual would have been delayed several more years.
My ex believed that if we had “enough” sex, we would have less problems. But no matter how much sex we had, there was still problems but he did not want to work on those. He cared more about sex than anything else. No wonder sex felt like nothing but an obligation to me. I’m beyond grateful that I am seeing a wonderful man now.
Hi Sheila. I was enlightened this morning by the post. Over the weekend I was wondering what the topic was going to be today. What I was recalling this weekend was pre-GSR days when you would write about sex and ways to improve our sex lives. Sure I understand why we took the direction we did and it was well needed. Remember the 12 sexy dares? Was it dares? It was a collection of 12 different ideas on ways to add spice into your sex life. While it was addressed there was very little discussion or less focus on whether or not you had issues in your sex life, it was just a fun suggestion on how to improve your sex life for those who were wanting to prioritize it. Sure I get it – all the work that has been done was very apparently needed. But think how simple that was back then. It was like those were the days….anyway sorry for the negative feedback and lashings that you get for trying to help us. I for one am grateful and appreciative. I do miss some of the old days though. A lot less intensity.
Phil it is wonderful that you were enlightened by todays post, truly. It is great that for you it was a feel good article, and that it made you nostalgic for the earlier days in the blog before women being harmed from sexual messages was addressed. Do your feelings about todays posts trump the feelings of others so that you need to apologize for others because they disagree with how you felt reading this though? Is it not okay for others to share their concerns just because you don’t have those concerns?
Great questions S.
Hello S and all. Here is my response: This place has provided me with a wonderful and incredible solution for so many topics in my life. I have been coming here for almost 8 years now. #1 is Sheila watered my garden to help me find Jesus. Right here on this blog. Whether Sheila likes it or not she has helped me immensely in ways she will probably never know. When someone does something for me I give back. Its just who I am. So I get excited around here. There is one problem that has been with me for my entire life and every time I think I have overcome it or have received a solution it rears its ugly head. I have shared this here before but for those who do not know I struggle with Bipolar. I hang out in hypomania (excitement). I have put so much work into trying to overcome it and it wins every time. I have tried medication and it literally almost killed me. I have done a ton of therapy work that has helped but untreated bipolar does not typically just go away. Recently once again I had to take inventory that yes my bipolar still effects me. I’ll admit it here publicly. Tammy (Sheila’s assistant) emailed me a few months ago informing me that my emails were turning weird (again). (She didnt use the word weird.) So I had to look at myself again. This time I found a supplement that has to the best of my knowledge and according to my wife is working and there are no side effects. Why am I telling all this to you? Something about this place and Sheila and Beccas work excites me. While I am most positive that I have made errors in judgement with my family and work both in the past and more recently there seems to be a some sort of confusion that is happening more prevalently than I am aware of when I am engaging in this space. I am not being called out at home or work for my behavior or poor judgement. As I write this it saddens me. I have no other explanation to provide. For this I am sorry. At this moment in time I can see no other solution except to step back. I reread Harriets original comment and see now there was no threat. Harriet – I wish you well and best for your family and situation. Tough moment for me here folks. Be well.
Phil, I have noticed that some of your posts seemed different lately. Now I understand (maybe). I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this, and I really wish you the very best as you work through it.
I think you are a really good-hearted guy with the best of intentions, and I have really appreciated a good deal of what you have had to say. Blessings to you.
To be clear I really appreciated Sheila’s post today and her work has brought so much powerful clarity and ability to name my experiences in the church around sex and purity culture. I just also happen to sympathize with Harriet’s post because I have seen her situation in my friend’s marriages over the years and I experienced a taste of sexual incompatibility with a former boyfriend of mine (though we never did have sex).
I think there are some LGBTQ+ people that are being left out of this unhealthy teachings conversation and that matters. Sexual incompatibility IS real and that matters too.
“I think there are some LGBTQ+ people that are being left out of this unhealthy teachings conversation and that matters.”
Yes, as an asexual, thank you for saying this. <3
Should I have sex with my wife if she has a long-standing history of being emotionally abusive towards me? And is it okay for me to permanently abstain if she is unwilling or unable to change?
Oh, Ed, if she’s being emotionally abusive, the key thing is to protect yourself. Please call a domestic violence hotline, or talk to a licensed counselor. If you decide to stay married, the big thing is figuring out boundaries in your marriage and how you will protect yourself.
“…what often happens is that you may have every intention of having sex tonight, but…”
I think a lot of issues come down to intentionality and communication. If you have communicated to your spouse you plan to have sex, then that may help in the follow-through. If you intentionally set yourself restrictions, i.e. no screen time after 9pm, and maybe give yourself consequences, perhaps people would do better.
I know Sheila’s done a post before on adult bedtime routines to help us function better overall. And perhaps being more intentional about what we WON’T do (screen time, chores too late, etc.) instead of focusing on a PLAN to have sex would make it feel less obligational?
I wonder, too- if those who have good marriages and sex lives started making a list of the benefits of having sex vs., say, binging another tv show, would they give sex greater priority? Do they actually think about what they “get” out of sex beyond just the feel-good of orgasm? Do they thank God for giving that as a blessing? (Ok, maybe not around the family supper table, lol.)
I also wonder if the obligation message has residual effects and has desensitized us to the greatness of sex when it is with a loving partner as God intended?
Whew, I don’t know about anyone else but this all sounds very stressful to me
“ If you have communicated to your spouse you plan to have sex, then that may help in the follow-through. If you intentionally set yourself restrictions, i.e. no screen time after 9pm, and maybe give yourself consequences, perhaps people would do better.”
Consequences, restrictions, follow through, just to make you have more sex. Why make things so hard and complicated? We are adults. Punishments like described above for not making sex enough of a priority doesn’t make sex appealing at all. I’m not giving myself consequences for choosing mindless Netflix, or changing my mind and taking sex off the table when previously I thought maybe we would.
Wow, so many people today misunderstanding others today. Obviously a charged topic.
No, I simply meant that many of us find ourselves going down the rabbit trails of watching way too much tv, time on the internet, etc. and if we better structured ourselves in general, maybe we might actually find ourselves to have time enough for sex (or other activities!) instead of telling ourselves we don’t simply because we got sucked into a vortex of other things.
I enjoy binge-watching shows. Sometimes I just need to have that down time. However, it’s not healthy for me to make that a habit, especially at the expense of those around me (kids, spouse, friends, etc). If I don’t “adult” well enough for myself, I can end up ignoring those around me. But if I know there’s something to look forward to with those around me, and yes, one example is appreciating sex (as God intended it- a unifying, loving thing), then I might intentionally use the time I have for that instead.
And yes, communicating is a big thing for me. I went through 20+ years of marriage with a husband who didn’t communicate to me with words, on just about anything. He would wake me up from a sound sleep by grabbing my crotch or boob. If I didn’t give him sex, life was not so nice for my child and me. We are in a healthier place now but sex is still off the table. So yes, I feel that communicating about things like sex is a big deal.
Changing your mind about sex is fine- I didn’t say otherwise. I’m just trying to point out that if someone has a tendency to get sucked in to mindless stuff excessively, it can be bad for the relationship so maybe it’s worth looking at changing some habits. That’s going to look different for different people. If my suggestion sounds terrible to you, then by all means don’t do it. But maybe it will strike someone reading as helpful because it works with how their brain works, too.
Wow, so much misunderstanding today. Obviously a charged topic.
What I’m trying to communicate is that sometimes we need to prioritize activities with those around us over mindlessly watching tv or surfing the internet. I love binging some shows. Nothing against that. Sometimes it’s just what I need to do to downshift. But if I am doing that excessively (and the definition for that will be different for everybody) and at the expense of those around me (kids, spouse, friends, etc.) then I may need to look at why. Am I not being intentional enough? Am I not using my time as well as I wanted to? Am I avoiding something/someone? And sometimes communicating “I’d like to have sex tonight- remind me if I get sucked into the netflix vortex please” might be helpful for some people. It wasn’t meant as a “we must have sex now- no way out” as you seemed to take it.
I never said I needed to give myself consequences for not having sex. That’d be even worse than obligation sex. I’m just saying that if I am not “adulting” well enough then maybe that’s a way I can encourage myself to intentionally better manage my time. Sex might be one of the things I use that “extra” time for. Going to sleep early enough so I am not as much of an exhausted mess the next day might be another. Or reading a book, etc.
And it should be normal and obvious that someone can change their mind about having sex. I’m not trying to suggest otherwise. But if things *are good in a marriage* and sex has fallen by the wayside simply because we have gotten pulled in to watching too much tv and not spending time with our spouse, then being more intentional about how we spend our time might help that.
My suggestions may sound awful to you. I get that. But there may be others out there that think/behave similarly to myself that could find those suggestions- or a spin-off of them- useful in being more intentional with time and communication.
Ugh, thought my first comment didn’t go through so I tried rewriting one. Admin, feel free to delete either of these. So sorry about the double reply!!
I get what you’re saying. It’s a bit like me deciding I want to go for a walk through the woods this afternoon and then getting so absorbed in the book I’m reading that I lose track of time until it’s too dark to go. And then I’m disappointed, because I would rather have had the walk than read a bit more of the book. Whereas if I suggest the idea to my husband, he can remind me – it’s fine for either of us to say we’ve changed our mind, but by planning and discussing it together, we’ve got less chance of getting distracted and missing out.
I suppose the issue is that when you talk in a similar way about sex, those who have struggled or are still struggling with obligation sex find it hard not to view this as ‘obligation’.
Thank you for understanding and much better wording what I was trying to say. I truly appreciate you and your wisdom, Angharad. You have been a part of my healing and I am so thankful.
Oh, that has made me cry – in a good way. I had no idea. But I’m so happy if anything I’ve said has been helpful. Thank you for the encouragement xxx
“not around the family supper table,” lollll!!
That’s what I wonder, too, Nessie, if we’ve desensitized ourselves to how great sex can be in our relationship.
Sure sex is great, but so is sitting on the couch just talking, or cuddling up and otherwise ignoring each other and watching tv. Why are we putting sex on this platform when no other thing couples do together to connect is pushed so hard, or saying inflammatory things like we desensitized ourselves to how great sex can be, to anyone who doesn’t agree that we need to check sex off the list every few nights or we don’t have a great relationship? I won’t add sex to my to do list as a chore to complete that ruins sex for me and I am sure for a lot of people.
“S”- I was addressing Sheila’s question: —“Is it harder to prioritize a good sex life today? ”
A lot of people I know share how they (or their spouses) get sucked into watching too much tv, etc., at the expense of relationships. Many are not on the couch with spouses much less in the same room, so doing that creates distance between them. It isn’t intimate (quality time, cuddling, etc.) in any way like what you specified. When that goes on for weeks or months (usually due to self-expressed time-mismanagement or laziness) then my ideas might be helpful. Are they for everyone? Nope. Might they help those wishing to spend more time sexually (or otherwise) with their spouse? They have before, so I shared in case it could help someone else. Is it worth trying my ideas if both you and your spouse are pretty happy with all aspects of your relationship including time management and sex? I’d say absolutely not. Ain’t broke? Don’t fix it.
.
And gracious, trying to make oneself have sex several times per week? Sounds horrible, both the “making” and the # (unless you both want it that often). Not sure why you assumed that #.
Not all but a lot of people get married hoping to have great sex as a continuation of their intimacy. Intentionality can help some people. For others it sounds awful. I can see both sides to that.
As for desensitizing… I don’t know how enmeshed you’ve been with obligation sex. Some of us have been really abused by it and trying to work our way out… I’ve been desensitized to how great sex can be. Even you said sex can be great. Some of us just wish to realize that potential.
Nessie I did not assume a number, frequent sex is touted in the article itself
“There’s a huge increase in marital satisfaction once couples have sex at least once a week, and more keeps being better–until you hit daily sex.”
I just don’t buy that frequency, when its not done out of both partners actively wanting sex, but more because you feel to keep your good marriage good you have to hit an “at least” once a week goal, is harmful. Now I am lucky, obligation sex and purity culture and not part of my background and even less so my husband because he grew up in a secular household. My husband and I end up on the same couch each night to wrap up the day, our home is very small, not a lot of other options, but sometimes we are just in the same room on the same couch and ignoring each other. So yeah it looks like you and I come at this from very different angles. My husband and I are able to talk about everything so we discuss sex along with everything else. Sometimes we go two weeks without connecting that way and then we may make up for it in the next week or we may not because we don’t have a quota.
S- It was hard to tell if you were coming at me or the article. Thanks for clarifying where you got the number.
I’m glad for you that you have a good thing going in your marriage.
As an asexual, I have to say I STRONGLY disagree with this post. There are married couples where both spouses are asexual, and they never have sex, and that’s fine, it has no effect on whether or not their marriage is healthy. In my own marriage, I do have sex with my husband, but I definitely don’t view it as something “essential” to having a good marriage- instead, it’s something we choose to do because we want to and we enjoy it.
Yes, I know it’s true that for *most* people, sex is an important part of a healthy marriage. But there’s no reason to say it has to be true for everyone, or that a marriage can’t be healthy without sex, what on earth.
Can you educate us on what “asexual” means? I thought it meant people that do not ever have sex, but then you said you choose to have sex with your husband.
Glad to hear you two enjoy your sex lives together. But what does asexual mean? Not criticizing at all just trying to educate.
Thanks for asking 🙂 So, the standard definition of “asexual” is “a person who experiences little or no sexual attraction.” (There are actually a few different definitions that asexuals use, but this is the most common one.) Most asexuals never want to have sex.
So for me, it means I’m not sexually attracted to anyone- ie, if I followed my feelings where they naturally go, for me that would be kissing and cuddling my husband and telling him all my feelings about everything, but none of my desires naturally lead to sex. I decided I wanted to have sex, and then I had to do the work of learning how to do it- nothing about it is “natural” for me at all. And after I explored it, I found there are some things about sex that I like, so I do prefer for it to be part of our marriage, but I don’t feel like it’s a “need” or anything like that.
And also, I’m confused about when people talk about the connection between emotional intimacy and sex. For me, emotional intimacy is a prerequisite for sex, because sex is very weird and awkward and I definitely wouldn’t do want to do that with someone if I didn’t trust them- but it seems like most people are talking about something different. Like, it seems like what most people are describing is, sex is an important part of emotional intimacy, or sex is a natural result of emotional intimacy, and I just feel very confused about that because it’s not how I feel at all.
I write about asexuality on my blog a lot- here’s a post from a few days ago called “Reasons” which is a list of reasons that people might choose to have sex, some of these apply to asexuals even though we don’t have sexual attraction https://tellmewhytheworldisweird.blogspot.com/2023/10/reasons.html
I was going to ask if you had a post on aces choosing to have sex or not, and here you put it. 🙂 I like how you included both the positive and the negative/shadow side of reasons.
I can’t say I understand asexuality, and definitely not intuitively, much like you said you can’t really understand 10 and 11, but I greatly appreciate how you’ve broken the reasons down.
From your blog- “I’ve heard … that sex in marriage is very important because you need it in order to have emotional intimacy. ”
I’ve heard that, too, and disagree with it. I think it can potentially intensify existing intimacy though, kinda like unlocking a feature in a video game. You can have a great time playing the game with or without that “feature.” Depending on the person, that feature will be more or less important/worthwhile.
Thank you for the explanation and being receptive to the question. You’re an impressive woman to make the choice (sounds like both for yourself and out of love for your husband and the good of your marriage) to have consistent sex even though you are asexual.
Agree with you with the intimacy/sex thing. Your story seems to support what was said above by Sheila that
—->”I’m not saying that you should never have sex if there are problems in your relationship”
And what Nathan said above and I agreed with that
—>”If you wait to have sex until everything in the marriage is absolutely perfect, then you never will.”. Seems like these two concepts are the best practical advice contemplating choice versus feelings.
So impressed with the choices you’ve made and thank you for answering my question. Have a great day!
“Sex is beautiful”
LOL. You’re kidding, right? It’s the worst part of marriage and, IMHO, wholly unnecessary unless you want kid. No need for women to put themselves through that.
Sheila, you are doing a lot of good work. While walking a minefield. So on the rare occasion I disagree with you, I try to give grace.
Especially if I agree with most of the article. The one thing I take issue with, is that I think a good marriage can be sexless, depending on the reason why.
Other than that I thought you made some good points.
Thank you for articulating this. It’s so unfortunate that otherwise good and helpful work lacks any acknowledgement of many reasons – besides mistreatment – that a marriage may be sexless. What of marriages where a spouse is absent for periods of time – FIFO, military, or any of a myriad of reasons why spouses may be separated?
What message does this sent about marriages where a spouse is or becomes unable to engage in a sexual relationship – for example through illness, injury, ageing, disability?
It’s at best insensitive to imply these marriages are unhealthy and not good.
(Can’t help but be bewildered by these sentences too:
“When you marry, you are saying that this will be a sexual relationship.”
“When we marry, we do vow that the marriage will be a sexual relationship.”
In comments on other posts, anyone lamenting a sexless marriage or contemplating leaving one, for whatever reason, is publicly shamed and vilified for saying this.)
Once again, thank you Sheila and all. I may not be young, but I am still learning. And this series has been really helpful. Beyond words. ❤️