MEN: How Do You Know if Your Wife is Faking Orgasm?

by | Aug 5, 2019 | Uncategorized | 61 comments

How can a man tell if his wife had an orgasm?
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Guys, could you tell if your wife is faking it?

I’m really grateful that I have so many men read the blog (and thank you so much to my male commenters who are part of this community as well). I know that many guys appreciate hearing healthy teaching about sex that perhaps says something different than what is often taught about sex in evangelical circles.

Because of that, though, I do like to write some posts for men every now and then–call it a “men’s corner”. And today I’d like to tackle a question that I get from a lot of men:

How can I tell if my wife is faking an orgasm?

Many guys honestly want to please their wives, and yet they’re unsure if their wives really enjoy sex, especially if their wives never initiate sex or seem to have very low libidos. There’s often this nagging doubt, then, about whether their wife is actually enjoying herself when they do make love.

I’m going to take a stab at answering this question, but I’d like to ask my women commenters to jump in here as well, because I’m not sure I have a great answer to this one. But I’ll take a stab at it, so here goes:

It can be very, very hard to tell if a woman is faking orgasm.

First, I’m going to be upfront. It can be very, very difficult to tell the difference between a real orgasm and a fake one, if a woman has decided to fake it.

In writing this, you all know where my mind went, right? It’s pretty hard to write about whether or not guys can tell if a woman is faking WITHOUT referencing that When Harry Met Sally scene. In fact, when I was sketching out this post I FaceTimed my daughter Rebecca and I said, “so, do I embed it or not? Is it in really bad taste?”

She wasn’t sure because she’d never seen it. I was flabbergasted. How could you not know? She said that while she knew that movie clip existed, she’d never watched it. So she went and watched it, and agreed that it was certainly funny, and was glad to now understand the significance of “I’ll have what she’s having.” (Fun fact: Did you know that the woman who said that in the movie was actually Rob Reiner’s mother? And Rob Reiner was the movie director.) As writers have said since, that scene became bigger than the movie itself.

So, I’ve been debating whether to embed it, but I think I’m going to because this one movie scene really has shaped the way that we think about faking orgasms.

What that scene told us was several things:

  • Women can fake orgasm pretty convincingly
  • Most women do fake orgasms quite frequently
  • The way to fake orgasm is about what we say and how we say it (with how body language being a distant second)

I want to deal with the second and third of these issues first.

Do most women fake orgasm?

The assumption from this scene is that it’s common; women do it because they’re dissatisfied in bed, they realize they’re not having a good time and they won’t have a good time, and they just want to get it over with. So is this true? I Googled it online and found so many conflicting reports it’s hard to say. One study said that 80% of women faked orgasm; another one said that just 20% did once they were married (the percentage was higher if you were in a long-term dating relationship). In the Journal of Sex Research the figure was 67%. I don’t know which figure is accurate, but whatever number you use, it’s obvious that some–if not most–women fake it at least some of the time.

How do you tell the difference between a real orgasm and a fake one?

While it’s easy to mimic what a woman might say during orgasm, or how her face may look, the physiological signs of an orgasm are much harder to fake. When a woman is about to reach orgasm:

  • Her clitoris will flatten out (after becoming more erect as she becomes aroused)
  • Her nipples will become erect
  • Her vaginal walls will swell and lubrication will usually increase (this isn’t as much of a telltale sign around menopause)
  • Her vaginal muscles will have involuntary contractions (they’ll squeeze rhythmically) during and after orgasm

However, with all that being said, trying in the moment to figure out physiologically whether she’s faking or not is unlikely to end up in any fruitful discussion. I think it’s far better to go back to first principles and ask WHY would a woman fake, and then what can you do in your relationship to make this less likely?

Why do women fake orgasm in marriage?

Let’s only consider marriage here, because that’s what’s really concerning us. Here are just a few reasons:

  • Sex isn’t feeling that great and it isn’t doing anything for her, and she knows she won’t reach orgasm. But she doesn’t want her husband to be disappointed, so she fakes to make her husband feel better.
  • Sex isn’t feeling that great, but the husband gives her a hard time if she doesn’t reach orgasm, wanting to know what he’s doing wrong and what’s wrong with her, and it turns into a big discussion. She’d rather just get it over with.
  • Sex isn’t feeling that great, but he refuses to take no for an answer, and is always determined to bring her to climax, even when she knows that it isn’t going to happen. So she fakes to stop him from keeping trying.
  • Sex isn’t feeling that great, but he lasts a long time if she doesn’t have an orgasm, and she just wants it over with.

In all of those scenarios, you’ll notice some commonalities. She knows that sex isn’t feeling that great, but for whatever reason communicating that to the husband isn’t something that she feels comfortable doing. If you don’t want her to fake, then, she must feel safe not reaching orgasm. She must be able to let him know how she is honestly feeling.

If you want your wife to not fake orgasm…

Make it clear that you believe her sexual pleasure is largely your responsibility

I’ve written at length on this, but often a couple gets married not knowing very much about sex, and he has an absolutely wonderful time. It feels great to him. But she doesn’t seem to enjoy it. So what’s wrong with her? Even when you a husband does attempt foreplay, it can seem like an imposition, something you’re just doing to get on with the main event, which should be intercourse. Why does she even need this, anyway? His experience of sex is often taken as the standard, and she needs to catch up to him.

I have written so much against this type of thinking, which is very prevalent, and not necessarily with any ill intent. I think most of us just don’t understand women’s sexuality very well. So I’d suggest reading together and talking about these posts:

Then go through 31 Days to Great Sex together. Really learn what makes her tick! Let her understand that if she doesn’t respond sexually, she’s not broken. She just may need more warm up time! It’s a great resource to use together, and helps both of you understand the other more. Most of all, though, it helps open up those conversations which can often be very difficult to have. Oh, and it’s a ton of fun, too!

Are you ready to spice things up?

Check out my 31 Day challenge that you do with your spouse. Super easy–just read a few pages a night and do what it says. Learn to talk more, flirt more, be more affectionate, spice things up, deal with baggage, and so much more!

No blaming. Just solutions–and a whole lot of fun!

Understand that she may not always reach orgasm, and that’s okay

One of the things that I say so frequently in my Girl Talk event is this:

One night he could do something to you that leaves you in raptures, and three nights later he’ll do the exact same thing–move for move, exactly the same–and you’re lying there thinking, “will you just get over with, because I want to get to sleep!” Our sex drives, you see, are almost entirely in our brains. If our brains are not engaged, our bodies don’t follow.

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Girl Talk Event

And that’s ever so true. Some nights she just has too many other things running through her head and she just isn’t going to reach orgasm, no matter what you do. 

I’m all for women orgasming as much as possible, and I do think that men should not leave their wives hanging, on the whole. At the same time, if he expects her to orgasm each and every time she makes love, and when she doesn’t orgasm, he feels hurt, or he takes forever, or he wants to start a huge conversation, he could end up killing her libido, because she may be afraid to start making love in case she won’t reach climax. 

So again, communication is key here. Yes, make sure that she usually reaches climax. (And if she’s never reached orgasm, do the 31 Days to Great Sex challenge, have her read The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and look at these posts):

But also talk it through about what it means if she doesn’t. Try not to take it too personally. And understand that for many women, orgasm isn’t necessary for sex to be enjoyable. Sometimes they enjoy giving the gift, they enjoy the closeness, whatever. Just talk about it!

Make it clear to her that it is much more important to you that they are truly intimate than that she appears to have an orgasm

Let her know that you don’t want her to fake–not because you don’t want your feelings hurt, but because you want to learn about how to read her body so that you can make her feel good, and so that you’re always being intimate by being vulnerable and transparent with one another. And then talk about what to do if she ever feels like she just isn’t going to reach orgasm tonight!

A note to the women about faking orgasm

And now, to the women, I’d just say this: Faking orgasm is a really, really, really, really, really bad idea. It just is. If you fake it, he’ll think he’s making you feel great, when you aren’t, and then he’ll think he knows all the great moves, when he doesn’t, and the chance of him actually bringing you sexual satisfaction will diminish substantially. Plus it makes you resentful of him in the end, and he won’t even know why. It’s just a bad idea all round, and I’ve written more about why faking is a terrible thing to do!

If you’re making love and you just know that it isn’t going to happen for you tonight, then find a way to “let him off the hook” that will help him keep going, if that’s what you’d like. Get on top and be more aggressive, so that he’s not as focused on pleasing you. Focus on pleasing him, rather than lying there and letting him please you. And talk to him about how, when you do this, it really is okay for him to let himself go and feel good.

Build your communication about great sex, and hopefully she’ll feel less need to fake orgasm.

I can’t give you any guaranteed tips that will stop her from faking orgasm, or that can help you tell if she’s faking, but I do think that it’s better to focus on building a great sex life from the ground up than it is to judge her every orgasm to see if it’s real. That’s going to help you a lot more!

And now I’d love for the women to chime in. Is there a reason that you’re faking that I haven’t mentioned? What would make you fake? What would stop you from faking? How can we solve this problem? Let’s talk in the comments!

 

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You’re Not Alone! Many Women Don’t Like Being Touched in Certain Places

First I want to say, loudly and clearly: You’re not alone. Many women find parts of their bodies are just off-limits sexually. For some it may be breasts; for others it may be just the nipple; for some it may be him inserting his fingers inside the vagina. (True story: every Girl Talk I give I have a Q&A part where I answer anonymous questions. I once had a woman ask, “I know guys like sticking their fingers “up there”, but it creeps me out. Why does my husband have to make it seem like he’s digging for gold or something?” At the time the question was funny, but I certainly felt for her).

I can’t tell this particular woman what to do because I don’t know enough of the story, but I’d like to give 4 big picture questions to think about, and then some tips for where to go from here.

Check Your Past

Sometimes certain body parts (or certain acts, like oral sex, for instance) are really creepy for us because of past abuse, or past things we’ve seen on TV or in movies when we are at certain ages that scarred us. We may also feel deep shame about certain parts of our bodies. When it comes to breasts, for instance, many women with larger breasts were mortified when they were 11 or 12 when the breasts started to grow, and no one else in their class at school had them. So they became a source of ridicule.

And then, as you got older, perhaps guys would fixate on them–even older men. It made you feel dirty. It made you think men were disgusting. It made you feel repulsed.

Today, when your husband that you love touches you there, it throws you back to that time when you were totally repulsed and creeped out.

This is NOT the case for everyone who hates their breasts being touched or who hates another body part being touched, but it can be quite common.

Basically you’ve developed what’s almost a phobia of it. And you CAN get over phobias. More on that in a minute.

Check the Control Issue

Is it that you hate having your breasts touched or that you hate someone else touching your breasts? I’ve had letters from women with both scenarios. One woman, for instance, couldn’t stand it if someone else touched her breasts, but could handle it if she did. Another woman freaked when her husband tried to insert his fingers into her vagina–but she couldn’t do it either.

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Author at Bare Marriage

Sheila is determined to help Christians find biblical, healthy, evidence-based help for their marriages. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8

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61 Comments

  1. Becky

    I’m going to preface this by saying that I haven’t faked in the past, but it’s been very tempting to at times. I can’t help feeling guilty that it probably doesn’t look like I enjoy sex at all. Honestly, I do struggle with that, since a major side effect of my dysfunction has been that I have to concentrate so hard on forcing myself to relax that there’s no room for letting go, and a mere lack of pain doesn’t equate feeling good. So I can’t fake what I’ve never had, and think it would be counterproductive to fixing this. But at the same time, I can’t help wondering if it hurts him that I’ve failed at this for our entire marriage, despite his efforts to work with me, and that makes it very tempting to pretend that I get more out of it than I do. Nor do I know how to talk to him about it anymore, since it seems that we get stuck in a cycle of me getting frustrated at the situation and him getting frustrated that we’ve already had this conversation multiple times, and never really managing to change it. So between all of that and pregnancy, I can honestly say my libido is currently in deep hibernation, and I’m already questioning how to even begin to deal with that after the baby. I honestly wonder if faking enthusiasm that I don’t feel is better than just not even trying, which is what this year has pretty much been out of necessity.

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      Oh, Becky, I’m sorry! Can you feel good without intercourse? Like can he spend time helping to make sure that you do feel sexually alive in a way that isn’t stressful or painful for you?

      Reply
      • Becky

        We’ve tried, but it takes so long for me to feel anything that it’s just not possible to take that time very often at all. (Seriously, it’s like an hour or more just to get anywhere at all. And then I hit a wall and everything just gets annoying without ever feeling super good. No one has that kind of time with the 4 and under set around.)

        Reply
        • A regular reader

          Becky, it sounds like you’ve never had an orgasm. Did I hear that correctly? I want to encourage you that it’s worth getting creative and working at learning how to become aroused. I was married for 26 plus years, never becoming aroused enough to get close to orgasm, before we gained hope from reading this blog and began getting creative. A commenter to this blog mentioned that she tried using her shower head as a vibrator, and that worked for her, so we tried the same thing. For the first time in my life, at almost 50 years old, I learned what it feels like to become highly aroused and orgasm. We then bought a vibrator as well, and we incorporate that as a way to help me finish after my husband gets me as far as I can go manually or orally. I have only orgasmed once with his hands alone, and it took 4 hours. I am very stretched out down there, with reduced sensation, by many pregnancies, and only a risky and out-of-pocket surgery would fix it. To us, it’s like crutches or leg braces or a wheelchair. Some of us have a sexual disability and need extra help, and it would be cruel to tell us that we should just go without if we are unable to orgasm just like women without a sexual disability. I spent so many years thinking I was broken and couldn’t orgasm while pouring myself wholeheartedly into my husband’s needs. Now he is pursuing me in order to give me the pleasure I missed out on for all those years. I hope the same thing can happen for you. My husband also found a lot of technical help in the poetically-written book, “She Goes First.” He now wonders why Christians don’t teach this stuff.

          Reply
        • A regular reader

          I also wanted to add that after enough failed attempts early on in our marriage convinced me that I was unable to orgasm, in order to avoid the pain of frustration and dashed hopes, I asked him to stop trying. I focused completely on learning to get whatever enjoyment I could as I met his needs, but I switched off the pleasure pathway that would lead to orgasm. If there was an arousal scale, the highest he ever got me was probably a 3 out of 10. Now, he has learned from that book how to stimulate me orally, and he is able to get me to maybe a 7 out of 10, and then it plateaus and is just not enough sensation to get me up over the top, so we use one of the tools available to us to help that happen. It has so greatly increased our closeness and intimacy over the past six months to have our sex life become truly mutual; we are happier and more in love than we have ever been.

          Reply
          • Sheila Wray Gregoire

            That’s great! I’m glad that you were able to just focus on arousal, and now you’re starting to get there!

  2. Jane Eyre

    Faking orgasm isn’t an option for me because I have no idea what I should be faking…. :/

    Best advice I have for men is to be really, really open to the idea that intercourse is light years better for you than for her, and no, there’s not much “intimate” about you using her body for pleasure that she cannot experience. The advantage men have is how ridiculously easy it is for them to receive mind-blowing pleasure; the burden is to not confuse wishful thinking with the reality of their wives’ experiences, and to *work* to make your wishes for her more of a reality.

    If you insist on seeing it as a “performance” issue, you’ll just make both of you miserable. If it’s “I love my wife more than my ego and am willing to accept reality and work to make it better for her,” you have a better chance.

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      Great thoughts, Jane! Absolutely agree. It needs to be about men laying down their ego for the sake of their wives, and wives being willing to be vulnerable and speak up. Both of those things can be very big challenges, but things work so much better when both do it!

      Reply
  3. S

    When my husband and I got married, we had sex pretty much every day. I didn’t know that women had orgams, but I loved having sex, and I kept wanting it. I moaned because of the pleasurable feelings. Sometimes when DH was ‘done’, I felt ‘done’ too. Sometimes I didn’t, and wanted sex again, which in the beginning was generally possible after a short amount of time. We were married about 4 years before I had my first orgasm by him manually stimulating me (which is how I have had 99% of my orgasms). I found out about 17 years into our marriage that DH thought I had been having orgasms up until that point when he manually stimulated me. I’d never thought I was “faking” beccause I didn’t know there was ‘more’ to have. I don’t fake orgasm now. Sometimes I want to have one, and sometimes I don’t – but we talk about it now. 😉

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      S, I’m amazed at how many women really don’t know that women can have orgasms! We need to do more to change women’s experiences and expectations about sex. I’m glad you can talk about it more now!

      Reply
      • D

        Does fake it till you make it ever apply? I feel like when we’re coming out of a sex dry spell, it helps me to fake it a few times so I can relax the next time. Turning around so he can’t see my face actually helps too, because it doesn’t matter what my face looks like and I can relax and actually enjoy it.

        Reply
        • AJ

          Faking an orgasm is even worse than a bad idea. It’s the equivalent of telling your husband a BOLD FACE LIE! Woman don’t ever do this!! If you are a man and you can’t tell if you’re wife is faking then you are either a terrible lover or just plain ignorant. The involuntary physiological symptoms (vaginal muscle contractions, change in skin tone, swelling of the breasts, nipples, labia and clitoris, etc) can’t be faked. I have been married to the same woman for 18 years and we have progressed a lot in our sexual journey together. For the first 8 years she never orgasmed, for the next 9 years we typically had sex 2-3 times weekly where she would orgasm maybe half of the time only when she was on top. For the past 1-1/2 years she orgasms as many times as she wants EVERY time we have sex no matter what position we are in. We now have sex almost every day and it is wonderful! I’ve never felt so close to my wife or been so caring and compassion ate towards her. Great sex softens everything in a marriage relationship. I can’t speak for all men and woman, but I can only describe what we experienced as a couple. The reason my wife previously had trouble with orgasm had nothing to do with anything I did or didn’t do to her (ladies if your husband is a loving man who tries to please you it’s probably not his fault you don’t reach orgasm) It was all in her head. We had many discussions (fights) about how I felt very dissatisfied and disappointed when she didn’t orgasm. I also told her on numerous occasions that she needed to get selfish about her orgasm and it was okay to not try to please me or worry about if I’m pleased. The best way she could please me was to allow herself to be pleased. This never really sank in until one-day she told me that she had come to the conclusion that subconsciously she was always try to please me. Even when she tried to let go she was still more worried about my pleasure than her own. Once she realized this and mentally dealt with it her difficulty orgasming went away almost instantly. Now when we make love she often has a couple of small orgasms during foreplay before her vaginal area is even touched. Then once sexual contact begins she has as many orgasms as she wants. The usually start small and then build with intensity until she has a mind blowing can’t speak, can’t see straight, can’t move for a few minutes orgasm. The point to all of this is ladies own your orgasm. If you don’t orgasm as often as you would like it’s 90% because of what’s going on in your head. Change the way you think and orgasm will happen. Men, be students of your wife’s body and sexual response. Study has she responds to your touch. Take the time to make sex a very pleasurable experience for your wife and she’ll be very excited to have sex with you !!😉

          Reply
          • Sheila Wray Gregoire

            Great and helpful comment,AJ! I do think that a lot of the trouble women have is that we don’t know how to be “selfish”, as you put it. That’s something that I said a lot in my post on the Theology of the Clitoris, actually. Sex works when women are selfish and men are giving. It’s actually designed that way! I think it’s God’s way of helping women be served and be the centre of attention for a while. Very true!

          • A regular reader

            AJ, I’m sure you meant well, but telling female readers that their husbands have nothing to do with their failure to orgasm, and they could have as many mind-blowing orgasms as they want if they just relax and get things straight in their heads sounds like the simplistic, unhelpful guilt-tripping advice I received from every Christian author on married sex I sought out over 26 years. All it did was convince me I was a “frigid” failure of a woman. Now I know that was untrue. Sheila, unless women are being counseled to masturbate to learn how to become aroused and orgasm, how can we agree with an assertion that the husband carries no responsibility for the wife’s pleasure, and the wife carries it all?

          • A frustrated reader

            AJ, speaking as one of the women who has struggled with this since day 1 of my marriage, I would ask you to not phrase things like “Change the way you think and orgasm will happen”. It’s not that simple. I know full well the way I think about sex is a problem, but when you’re dealing with dysfunctions and your primary mental association is years of actual physical pain, you can’t just decide to think differently about it and everything is all sunshine and rainbows. It takes time to rewire your brain after trauma. It also takes positive experiences, which can be hard to come by when your body is already actively working against you. Please don’t add to the frustration and hurt by telling people like me that it’s all in our heads.

          • Daniel

            AJ: While I understand your point, and it’s mostly correct… It’s not that simple. For some couples, it will be true that it’s not the husbands fault. But from what I’ve read and researched online, it’s my impression that in most cases, it IS the husbands fault.

            Hear me out. I understand that a woman has to be in the right frame of mind if sex is going to be fulfilling and orgasmic. So there is most certainly something to be said for what the woman has to do to let go and just enjoy sex. However… If a husband treats his wife poorly all day/week, and then expects sex to be amazing for her, he’s doing it wrong. Even if he does all the right things at all the right times, sexually, the wife most likely won’t be in the right mindset for great sex. So, yeah, it’s not the husbands fault that sex isn’t orgasmic, exactly, but he also didn’t fulfill her basic needs in the relationship outside the bedroom. Sex is more than just a physical act, and we have to remember that. My wife is much like you describe your wife; highly orgasmic, and very enthusiastic about sex. But, even if another husband acts just like I do in bed with his wife, it doesn’t mean they will have great sex.

            I had written a longer, better, post, but then lost it, so I hope what I wrote makes sense. We can’t blame either husband or wife, and husband and wife have to accept the blame. It’s a 50/50 responsibility, and you have to both work together to make it great.

      • OKRickety

        S, I’m amazed at how many women really don’t know that women can have orgasms!

        I’m amazed that anyone, man or woman, can believe that many women are truly that ignorant about sex in today’s Western society! I have great doubt that more than 2% of women do not know that women can have orgasms (and that small group, such as S, must have led very sheltered lives to be that ignorant). Now, it may very well be true that some significant percentage, perhaps more than 25%, of women have never had an orgasm, but I would be hard-pressed to believe they do not know that many women actually do have orgasms.

        If somehow I am wrong, then it is little wonder that so many marriages have so much trouble and so many end in divorce.

        Reply
        • S

          @OKRickety
          Yes, with the internet age now, indeed it is a wonder, isn’t it? However, I’m sure there are many readers who grew up and got married without google, and unfortunately, with no preparation for sex at all.
          Personally, my first sexual experience was as a young girl in an abusive relationship. Obviously, it was all about him, and his pleasure, and not one time about mine.
          My parents were very conservative, and never taught me about “the birds and the bees” besides a hurried talk about my period starting.
          When I got married, I truly did not know that sex was supposed to be completely mutual. We were given a book on marriage which included sex the night of our wedding, but we never read it for a long time. I had never heard of blogs then.
          Thankfully, there are women like Sheila, and J at Hot, Holy and Humorous, who are a huge help to people like me.
          They may have fallen off the boat about educating young women and men a generation or two ago, but I’m thankful we’re in a better place now, and continuing to progress.

          Reply
          • Sheila Wray Gregoire

            I’m so glad you found me, S! And I’m so glad that you’re here.

          • OKRickety

            S,
            First, I am sorry that you were abused. I can only imagine what that must be like.

            By the way, that comment was not directed to you, but to Sheila who clearly suggested that large numbers of women don’t know that women can have orgasms. IF she truly believes that, then I am amazed but, based on many instances of Sheila’s beliefs, I would not be surprised.

            I don’t really understand how it would be possible to be so ignorant even before the “internet age”. There were plenty of books about sex, even many for Christians. As mentioned , the movie “When Harry Met Sally” pointedly covered the topic.

            Nonetheless, I am sure that there are some women who don’t know, but I see this possibility as quite unlikely to have been true for very many women for the last fifty years or so. Unfortunately, the church is one organization that has often failed to educate people about sex and the blessing it should be in marriage.

  4. Phil

    Sheila- thanks for making this a safe place for everyone and including us men. As I always get so much from your posts and the content here I will share something on this topic in response. I really think the key to understanding if a woman is faking it or not is the rhythmic pulsing you mentioned. After a woman orgasms and usually this is true for a man, There is continuous pulsing and you can feel it! Now I don’t want to get to graphic but when my wife is done unless I am inside her with my penis she wants everything out and away also. Personal preference I suppose. The other big factor is just talking about it as was also mentioned. Grace and I have our set of sexual issues. We live in a box when it comes to sex. Occasionally she will roam outside the box but we have been stuck in the box for a long time. I have pushed and pushed and pushed and the change has been significantly small. I have come to accept that. Right now I am on a break. I accept the box and just go with it. Either way it doesn’t seem to bother her…or should I say staying in the box is more comfortable for her. However, what I do before sex very often is I say this: What are you up for tonight? This is code for do you want to orgasm? Sometimes I don’t have to ask but like many men I wish she would have the big O every time. Let me give her pleasure! The question of what are you up for tonight might get me the answer – this is for you. Or can I have a back rub? etc. You see….there is an element of her wanting me to read her also which is very difficult if you are not giving off much to read. I do want to say that I am sorry for those who struggle with this area. Thankfully it is not an area we outright struggle with. Intercourse orgasms are hard to come by in our bed. As a matter of fact recently it seemed she did. I didn’t have the guts to ask. I just let it go…because she seemed to enjoy whatever happened so why add pressure or disappointment to the ending. This may not be exactly healthy yet this is what people are dealing with. I have actually been contemplating asking her when the time is right. Anyway, my prayer is for those who truly struggle in this area that things will improve for them. It is getting better in my relationship even though I can’t see magnified results. Thanks for the topic Sheila. Oh and thanks for the clip! I haven’t seen that in YEARS!

    Reply
    • E

      I appreciate you have a lot to share, but for the sake of your wife please stop using your own names. It just hurts my heart to think of her finding out people she knows have read such details. You have shared so much detail about your family life that it’s not so hard for those who know you to figure it out. ❤️

      Reply
      • Phil

        E – If you don’t like my comments please do not read them. Thanks.

        Reply
  5. Arwen

    Man, i can’t even fake an orgasm if i tried to. My sex drive is way to high that one touch is all it takes for me to lose control. Heck i can even orgasm through having my breasts sucked and fondled. Now whether i can orgasm though intercourse or not, i don’t know yet because i’m still single. But faking an orgasm breaks the “thou shall not lie” commandment. Like Sheila said, it’s best to be truthful and figure out what is pleasurable for you.

    Reply
    • Lindsey

      The comment about lying is exactly my first thought about this. That being said, I couldn’t fake a convincing “o” because its way more of a out of control experience than I would be comfortable doing without actually feeling out of control…my husband knows the difference in my sounds of enjoyment and my “o”s, there’s really no comparison.

      Reply
  6. Natalie

    Great article (as always), Sheila.

    I feel like when you say you faked it, people think you’re automatically a terrible person and a terrible lover/wife. When my husband and I first started having sex, I unintentionally fell into the latter category: “Sex isn’t feeling that great, but he lasts a long time if she doesn’t have an orgasm, and she just wants it over with.” I noticed that he got more into it and enjoyed himself more and came faster (because him lasting for-e-ver made me chafe) if I moaned and did my “porn star act” more. And apparently it was really good, especially for someone who’d never seen porn before. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Afterwards, he’d always ask “did you orgasm” and I’d be honest and say “I don’t know” or “maybe? I’m not sure”. And those were truthful responses. I didn’t know if I’d orgasmed or not. I didn’t even know what an orgasm felt like, so how could I say? He’d always say “I’m pretty sure you did. All my other girlfriends who orgasmed did what you just did”, so since he was more experienced and I was the virgin, I took his word for it. I genuinely thought my increased wetness was an orgasm!! I wasn’t consciously trying to fake him out. I was trying to do things that I noticed he liked in bed, which also benefited me by making sex shorter.
    But I guess deep down, after 7 years of being sexually actively with only him, I doubted him. I found it hard to believe women would be making a big fuss over the sensations I was feeling. That’s when I bought a vibrate, and WOW, did that redefine what an orgasm is for me!!! I try to use it only rarely because I want us to be able to make me orgasm without a machine, but it’s so nice to know that that’s a back-up option if it’s not happening and I’m in dire need of an orgasm. But I will say that using the vibrator not only showed me first hand what an orgasm is (& that I wasn’t even in the ballpark range of one before), and my husband learned what my body does and looks like when I’m orgasming. For example, apparently there’s a vein in my neck and chest that protrudes a lot right when I’m orgasming, so if he sees that, he knows I’m orgasming. That’s been really helpful to him, and also helpful for me since now when he asks if I orgasmed (which he doesn’t really have to ask anymore), I can definitively say yes or no. So women may have other physical signs of orgasm for them that their husbands can pick up on. But the husband will have to witness her orgasm at least several times before he can learn her patterns.

    Reply
    • Jane Eyre

      Natalie, I think you’re touching on an interesting point: men seem t have an expectation of how women will react to intercourse and can be really thrown when it doesn’t play out according to script.

      I was very open and honest when my husband would do something that felt good, and I always let him know. But he kept saying that I never told him what was good and what wasn’t, which just upset and hurt me. He figured out how serious I was when I broke down crying and asked for a divorce.

      It now occurs to me that he probably expected far more theatrics, stemming from far more good feelings. Ugh……

      Reply
      • Natalie

        Agreed, Jane! Plus, if the man was raised on porn (as was my husband: started with Dad’s Playboys at age 12 and progressed to internet porn at age 15), he already has an expectation of what sex will look like from his perspective. And, if his past sexual partners (if he has any) also didn’t speak up and tried to be pleasers and do what he liked, that just adds another layer to the complexity.

        I think most, if not all, women want their man to enjoy sex with them. They want to be the hottest, sexiest, “best lay” their man has ever experienced or ever possibly could’ve fantasied about. Plus, generally, women are the more nurturing of the two spouses, and though this is a sexual dynamic we’re talking about here, there’s still an aspect of nurturing that comes through on the woman’s part during sex (at least that’s what I’ve experienced). Sure, some women who “fake it” do it with malcontent. But I think most, especially in the beginning when they first start doing it, do so from a place of just wanting their husband to have as good a time as possible. And if that means putting on a show and doing all the things he likes, well, then that’s what they do. Then he starts to expect it & thinks the big production is the norm & that she’s actually getting as much pleasure from it all as he is (which could very well be the case, but isn’t in situations we’re talking about here). And that’s what leads to all the hurt and resentment: we feel like he should be going to the same lengths to bring us pleasure as we are for him & feel resentment when he doesn’t; and he’s over there thinking we’re having the time of our lives and that his penis is the best, most magical penis in existence. Oh dear lol.

        Reply
      • AJ

        I have never faked it either. I will admit though to occasionally “embellishing” my orgasm a bit and I’ve wondered whether that is wrong. Honestly though I may be exaggerating it a bit at times, but it’s been mostly because I’m into it and enjoying putting on a show for my husband and know it makes him feel extra special, not because I feel obliged to. I do realize it could give my husband an unrealistic idea of the pleasure I’m actually experiencing though. While I’ve never told him this in particular, we do honestly discuss on occasion what level of pleasure it was actually at (rate it, so to speak), so I do think we have a decent balance on it. I’d be really curious to hear others thoughts on this and if I’m the only one who doesn’t fake an orgasm, but feel like I may exaggerate the pleasure level.

        Reply
        • Natalie

          Considering that you are actually orgasming, I honestly don’t think there’s anything wrong with adding a little louder moans than would come naturally. Plus, you being more vocal and getting more into it as an exaggeration for your husband’s enjoyment can actually intensify your experience a little more. That’s at least been my experience. Almost like you’re thinking your way to having a more pleasurable time. Mindset during sex is everything!

          Reply
    • R

      Natalie – thanks for your comment!
      I was in a similar situation. Had to get dramatic for sex to ever end (and escape the pain of chafing)! I learned from his request for more noise and my own experimentation what worked for him. He’d always ask afterwards and I’d tell him the truth: I enjoyed being close to him but it hurt and I needed to help him get there so he’d stop. He was frustrated but understood. I don’t think I had my first orgasm until year 3? This blog really helped me work on getting my head in the game and communicating with him more openly/clearly. We’re in year 5 now and things are getting better and better 🙂
      LOL pregnancy and postpartum have boosted my libido and pleasure a lot – sometimes I initiate because I want to, not just because I want to love him well 😉 And he’s learned how to please me, and I’m learning how to let him.
      It’s a journey… just please know that faking it for me was an honest mistake, not a bold-faced lie 🙁

      Reply
      • Natalie

        That’s GREAT, R! Lol, you’re a lot further ahead in the game than I am. I didn’t actually orgasm till year 9 of our relationship, & even that was from nothing either of us did – it was from a vibrator. We’re still learning what works for me. It’s a process. But YES! I want to second the pregnancy & postpartum libido skyrocket! I’m not sure if it’s me being more conscious & accepting of my sexuality or all these crazy hormones (I’m currently 12 weeks postpartum), but I’m initiating just as much as him now! It’s at times frustrating for me to still not be able to orgasm “naturally” (aka sans-vibrator), but at times it’s also a lot of fun trying to get there… it’s a process.
        But like they say in all the workout classes I’ve ever taken, “progress not perfection”. I think that’s just a good rule of thumb for life in general, and that’s what I’ve been telling myself as we continue on this journey to figuring out my orgasm.

        Reply
  7. Anonymous today

    I haven’t ever faked it. When we were first married I definitely didn’t orgasm every time, but I was honest about it and it was just something we worked towards together. I had some dryness & pain issues early on that made orgasm from intercourse difficult, and I would get really annoyed if he fell asleep after and left me hanging. But all it took was honest communication – I told him to imagine having sex without an orgasm, and that it was just as frustrating for me as it would be for him. He definitely got the point and started helping me out in other ways if I didn’t finish when he did. As for how you can tell – for me there is a lot of whole body convulsing when I orgasm! You definitely can’t miss it. My husband often asks if I did, but he’s joking because it is so obvious.

    I am so thankful for my husband. He always makes sure I enjoy myself, and he is so patient. That definitely helped me be honest in the early years – he didn’t seem frustrated or irritated if it was taking me longer than usual. As a result I always look forward to sex, even if I wasn’t necessarily in the mood, because I know he will take the time to make me feel good.

    Reply
  8. Anonymous

    I am fortunate that my wife has never faked an orgasm. In forty of years of marriage, she has never been able to experience an orgasm due to health issues like chronic pain and fibromyalgia. She is still willing to have sex and sometimes she actually experiences some moments of pleasure.

    However, I have not imposed my desired frequency of sex on her and have kept my periods of disappointment to myself…I do not want her to feel guilty since she has little control over her body’s response. And yes, she has tried many medications over the years with few or lasting positive results.

    Reply
  9. Natalie

    Apparently the late 80s – early 90s was a time of difficulty for men in identifying a real female orgasm lol. And, in case you didn’t know, talking about this topic must strictly be discussed in a diner setting.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4GrfL8t0bu0

    Reply
  10. B

    My wife and I have been married for over 20 years and the sex life has been just ok. There have been dry spells for sure, but we are getting better as we go. This much I know… she has never had an orgasm, nor does she want to. I have expressed to her my desire for her to experience orgasm, and my desire to help her get there, but it’s met with disinterest on her part. Every time I suggest it, or try to move into position with my hands or whatever, she pulls me and my hands away and says she just wants the intercourse. It’s very discouraging because I think it would only draw us closer and allow for more (sexual) intimacy. It would open up a whole new world for us to explore and enjoy sex the way God intended it. I just can’t wrap my head around someone not being open to the idea of their spouse giving them pleasure, especially to the point of orgasm. How do we get there when she doesn’t want to even talk about it?

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      That’s so sad, B, but you’re totally not alone! I really do think that the problem is that so many women see sex “as a duty that men need”, and they don’t understand that part of the point for men, too, is feeling as if she’s experiencing it. It’s like my post on how we need to change the definition of sex. When we see it too much as “man puts penis into woman’s vagina until he climaxes”, then her experience becomes irrelevant. And many women feel that, and are fine with that, because they’ve never understood anything else. So they think they’re doing a great job as long as he can “have sex” a bunch of times. But they don’t know what they missed out on!

      Reply
      • Daniel

        B:
        Please correct me where I’m wrong in my statements below. I mean no offense, I’m just trying to help. Any additional information would be helpful. And I think we all want you to fulfill your wife’s sexual needs (whether she knows she needs it or not.).

        Everyone:
        This is an honest question: Is this even simply an attitude thing with women, or is the man they are married to a major contributing factor…? If the marriage starts with ‘piv=sexual encounter’… how long until the rumor that ‘men’s pleasure=sex’ becomes true? At that point, a woman has already made up her mind that her pleasure is not as important as his.

        If this is even remotely true, it brings us to my point; that men (I had to learn this as well) need to be retrained to not think that ‘piv until climax=sexual fulfillment’ for her. Sexual fulfillment for a woman is… complex, and takes a lot of effort to figure out. And the man must take time to figure out how to pleasure his wife. PIV until climax is not usually the answer. But don’t forget, sex is a team sport, so working together is critical.

        Reply
    • Natalie

      If your wife’s experience is anything like mine, B, I’d bet she thinks she isn’t even capable of orgasm after all those years of trying unsuccessfully, so why even try? It’s extremely defeating when you try and try and try and nothing ever happens. She wants the focus to remain off of her so those feelings of defeat don’t come back. That’s why she wants intercourse: at least you get some satisfaction, she gets some satisfaction seeing how much pleasure she and her body gives you, and it’ll be over a lot quicker than you trying to stimulate her for minutes and hours. I honestly don’t think that mindset of mine would’ve changed if my husband and I hadn’t forced my first orgasm with a machine. Once I experienced it, I realised what I’d been missing (& was really upset with myself for not figuring this out sooner! lol). I knew my body wasn’t broken and it gave me SO much more confidence and motivation and enthusiasm to try for both of us to learn my body better and take the time to figure out what I like digitally and orally (a journey we’re still on). I hope you and your wife have your breakthrough soon so she can start orgasming, cuz there really isn’t any feeling quite like it! And obviously I can’t speak for every woman let alone your wife, but I feel like a woman who can orgasm regularly is far more likely to want to be sexual. It’s simple positive reinforcement/reward.

      Reply
  11. Blessed Wife

    I’ve never faked it. What I have done, because it helps intensify whatever traces of sensation I get, is tell him anytime something feels good. Quick and specific on the positive, but very selective and diplomatic with negative feedback. This may have inadvertently created a less-than-balanced impression. But I never lie to him about what I’m feeling or what I want from him.

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      I think that’s a great balance! And never lying about pleasure (or lack of pleasure) is so important.

      Reply
  12. Amanda H

    I’ve never faked an orgasm, but I guess I have lied by telling my husband I wasn’t interested in finishing, on occasion. That is NEVER the truth for me, but I can only get there through manual stimulation and if it starts taking long, I begin to feel sorry for my husband and start thinking he must be getting tired or his hand is getting sore. That makes me feel stressed and I lose the enjoyment. He’s sweet and tells me he doesn’t care how long it takes, if I apologize, but somehow I can’t make my mind believe him because I get tired trying to pleasure him with my hands. Am I causing my own road blocks and is my husband tougher than I give him credit or do men tire out or get sore to make their wives happy? Do they mind? I don’t want to get enjoyment when I think it makes him secretly miserable, praying that I’d hurry up and orgasm! Lol

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      This is a really good question, Amanda, and it’s a really important topic. I’m going to think more on it and try to write a post on it, okay?

      Reply
      • LM

        We had the same thing when we were early married. I’d only orgasm if he touched me, and it could go on for an hour! The feelings were so timid and would instantly leave if I started thinking about why it was taking so long, his hand must hurt, he must be feeling impatient, etc. Hubby could tell my thoughts were drifting, and would ask where my thoughts were, and try to bring them back, saying he didn’t care how long it took. His tender, patient attention to me has paid off. We’ve been married for almost 6 years now, and he says he’s almost jealous of me as I now have way more fun than he does (makes me feel guilty and like I need some special tips for how to pleasure him extra!). Now I orgasm many multiple times during intercourse–with squirting–and then when he’s gone himself, he finishes me off with a big one manually. I feel so blessed, knowing how slow going and not good feeling things were in the beginning, yet know things like menopause will throw a curve ball (like having each of my 3 babies did!).

        Reply
      • Anonymous

        Please do a post on this! It’s one of the main reasons we haven’t had much success with manual stimulation and usually resort to the vibrator because it’s much quicker. But I think it would increase our intimacy even more if we could do it all “organic” so to speak, with no battery operated devices.

        Reply
        • Sheila Wray Gregoire

          I will! I’ll think about it and ask some more experts. But I will!

          Reply
    • Daniel

      Amanda; I can’t speak for all men, but I only start to get tired and bored when my wife shows little interest in what I’m doing. If she nods off, or doesn’t react to my stimulation, it’s easy to feel inadequate. But when both of us show enthusiasm, it’s easier for both of us to have a great time. Also, though I know very little about what sort of “manual stimulation” you guys use, there are many methods of manual stimulation. Oral is a great go to for us. Oral 69 is incredibly fun too (but not typically to the point of male orgasm). My wife is very touchy feely, so I touch her a lot all over her body (non sexual touching outside the bedroom as well). I also kiss all over her body. I find that if my wife is responding to my manual stimulation, I don’t get tired or bored. It’s fun and exciting. Her whole body is at my finger tips… and I often use all of it during foreplay. Extended foreplay is a wonderful way to treat your wife.

      Sore? Not normally since I spend so much time on foreplay. I don’t have to last forever if foreplay is amazing and multi-orgasmic.

      Reply
  13. Kitty

    Just a quick note: vaginal contractions/spasms are an indicator that you’ve had an orgasm, but a fairly significant minority of women who have orgasms don’t have them.

    It took my husband YEARS to accept that I was having orgasms, as I do not get contractions (but I do get shakes in my legs, a very short period of breathlessness and blurry vision! :))

    See here: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/7181645 “Eleven nulliparous women manually self-stimulated to orgasm, each on three separate occasions. Pelvic contraction pressure was measured by an anal probe and a vaginal probe simultaneously. Near the perceived start of orgasm, a series of regular contractions began in nine of the women… Two women had no regular contractions during reported orgasms.”

    See also here: https://www.myvmc.com/lifestyles/female-orgasm/#c30 “The primary physical indicator of orgasm is contractions of the genito-pelvic and/or anal muscles. When these contractions were first observed in women experiencing orgasm, it was found they occurred at 0.8 second intervals and lasted on average for 16.7 seconds (compared to 25 seconds for men). It is however unclear whether or not all women experience vaginal muscle contractions during orgasm. It is also unclear if the commencement and cessation of such contractions signal the beginning and end points of a female’s orgasm, or if such contractions simply occur close to the time of orgasm.”

    Reply
  14. Scott

    Hmm, a comment I posted earlier today seems to have disappeared. Please let me know if I somehow violated the posting policies of this site. I did not mean to offend anyone. I also realize that WordPress sometimes eats comments…

    -Scott

    Reply
    • Rebecca Lindenbach

      Hi, Scott!

      The reason I removed your comment was mainly because I felt it was inappropriate in this case (even though it was clearly from a place of trying to learn more in order to help your wife) because you were asking another commenter for further specific and explicit details about their sex life. The commenter had talked about her own journey earlier on this blog, but that post was from a very long time ago and she hasn’t posted about it since and so I didn’t want her to feel uncomfortable or like she was pressured to divulge more.

      In general, when it comes to specific things with people’s personal lives we like to let people post what they want to post but we like to also keep boundaries in place by not allowing specific, probing questions about individual’s sex lives. Phrasing questions in the future as open-ended like, “Has anyone found success with…” or “Other spouses in my position, how do you handle…” makes it much easier to have those conversations without it crossing those personal boundaries. 🙂

      Anyway, long story short I felt that it may have unintentionally crossed a boundary of privacy that is really difficult to find and maintain on a blog about sex, but vital that we uphold. 🙂

      I hope that makes sense!

      Reply
      • Scott

        Hi Rebecca,

        Thank you for the detailed and kind response. It completely makes sense even though I didn’t think of it that way when posting my original question!

        I apologize for the transgression and will try to avoid making that mistake again. Open-ended questions sound like a good idea. Please understand that I am relatively new to posting here and am still learning the ground rules, as each forum is different.

        I appreciate all you do here,

        -Scott

        Reply
        • Rebecca Lindenbach

          So glad you are so understanding, Scott! 🙂 Have a wonderful day!

          Reply
  15. Sad

    I don’t fake it, I more just wanted to hopefully understand what the real thing looked and felt like because I’ve hit a huge roadblock and I feel incredibly depressed and self-conscious now, but I can’t find anyone who covers this problem!

    I was a virgin when we married, we’ve been together a few years, but I’ve never hit climax. Two weeks ago we finally got me to what felt like the breaking point, but instead of the O, I peed… I heard about female squirting, but that’s not what had happened as far as I could tell, because I still felt this intensely painful feeling of being right on the edge with all my muscles in that area being engaged. My husband tried to help me release but I just burst into tears at that point and said I “messed up” and couldn’t do it.

    Yesterday we tried again with just outward manual stimulation. I had no feelings of needing to go to the bathroom since I already had, so I got really into it. Unfortunately, the same thing happened but I had no control to stop it, then the good feelings died about a minute or two after when I shutdown emotionally. I had a total breakdown that time and said I was broken.

    I have NEVER had incontinence. Even when pregnant, I never leaked! But this isn’t a leak, this is just full on… and it’s humiliating… I’m young, only had one baby, and I can’t find any help.

    My husband has been the sweetest and most encouraging person he can be. He honestly isn’t afraid of it, and he didn’t stop when it happened either time, I stopped him. I just don’t know what to do, because now I feel like I’ll never climax… I really don’t want to go through that again, but my husband doesn’t want me to give up or get discouraged.

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      Hi there! If that’s happening to you right at the edge of climax, and you’re very, very aroused, it’s not peeing. It really isn’t. It’s just female ejaculation, and it’s totally okay! Just get a towel underneath you. It means you’re actually very sexually responsive, and if you can get over the icky feelings, you may be able to really enjoy sex. I know it seems like you’re peeing, but I really don’t think it is. That’s actually quite common, and I hope that you can still feel good!

      Reply
      • LM

        You say it was peeing and not squirting because you still hadn’t orgasmed. Half the time for me, squirting happens aside from/on the way to the orgasm! Sounds like you’re doing every RIGHT and are well on your way to orgasming! 😘 And btw, sometimes I *do* pee a little during squirting (when bearing down). I figure that shouldn’t hold me back!

        Reply
        • Not as sad

          It occurred to me that in my stress I’ve misread. I must not have done both simultaneously. Forgive me, I am so overwhelmed I don’t even have basic reading comprehension!

          I’m not sure how to emotionally move past the icky feeling. I’ll need to take some time before I try again, but I’m relieved to not have to tell my husband to quit this pursuit when he’s been so patient and determined.

          Thank you again. I’m grateful I at least had the sense to read again after my ridiculous reply.

          Reply
          • Daniel

            Not as sad: Your husband sounds like a great man. It’s not super common for a husband to be pursuing his wife’s pleasure, so let him. It’s possible that it will just take some time for your body to adjust to these new sensations. And if you are just squirting, like Sheila said, that just means you are a very sexually charged person… which is as much as any husband could ask for. For a long time my wife didn’t want me to do oral on her, because she thought it was gross. I didn’t think it was, and when she finally let me try it, she loves it. So you never know until you know. Don’t give up!

            I hope what I said is encouraging! And I hope you are able to figure this out.

      • Sad

        If this really is an orgasm, I don’t want anything to do with it! I absolutely hated it! It took hours the first time for the painful sensations to stop, and the second one it just felt like all the pressure dropped off and amounted to nothing. It feels good up until that point, then it’s just terrible and unsatisfying!
        My husband said he thought it was an orgasm and I told him then I have absolutely no idea why anyone wants that, because it literally feels no different from peeing, which is not an enjoyable experience for me. Everyone makes orgasm out like it’s awesome, but it’s so disappointing I can’t even put it into words.

        I won’t need a towel, I’ll just have to figure out a way to gently explain to my husband that it’s not for me, but I’ll be fine doing whatever for him.

        Thank you for the answers, and sorry if I seem a bit harsh right now, I have always had an intense sex drive and now I feel like I can never be satisfied. I’m just really upset right now, but I do appreciate the replies.

        Reply
  16. Steven

    Shiela I really love enjoy reading your writing. Your topics are amazing, and relevant and really bring about the most interesting comments section imaginable from a Christian website.

    I am blesses to be married to a woman who climaxes with relative ease. Its not me, its her (or maybe it is me who knows). I just married her and love her. She did disclose a few times when she faked, but it was only after she had a few originals and we were working on number I am the one who sometimes struggles and it turns things on its head doesnt it? This occasional performance issue (mine) actually creates tension between us and she hesitates initiating sex out of fear that I will not have an orgasm myself without manual stimulation. Either side struggling with this issue can create real tension in the marriage and if not addressed through counseling, ED medicine, can begin to destroy sexual intimacy, and erode your marriage.

    I would encourage every believer in a marriage, no matter if you are 18 or 78 to pay attention, communicate and spread the advice of Christ based counselors like Sheila within our friend groups. We all have different problems and we arent all in one box.

    Reply
  17. Janey

    As a woman who loves sex, even I do not always orgasm.

    Who knows why? Maybe it was that burrito for dinner?

    My husband and I have an understanding: You can lead the clitoris to the penis, but you cannot make it orgasm.

    So we don’t see a lack of orgasm as a horrible failure. Admittedly it is a bit of a disappointment, but not a crisis.

    So when we have sex and nothing happens, we say what the Apostle Paul says, “The mind is willing but the flesh is weak.” Or maybe it’s the opposite.

    Anyway C.S. Lewis wrote something about the the body simply not performing when the desire for sex is there.

    Reply

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