This is a bit of a DIFFERENT version of the Bare Marriage podcast!
We’re getting a little bit more technical in terms of how to make sex feel great. I hope you all will listen, but if you don’t have time, I’ll have some links and rabbit trails below so you can read all you want as well!
And consider this podcast “extras”. If you want to go deeper into what I talked about in the podcast, here are some more things to help you.
But first, here’s the podcast:
Main Segment: Women’s Pleasure is Not “Extra”!
We’ve been talking this month about some specific ways to help her receive more pleasure from sex, including these two posts:
I think, though, that we have several things working against us when it comes to feeling really good during sex.
We don’t think it’s actually that necessary
A lot of us truly feel like it’s more godly to not want sex or to not think that sex is that important. There’s this pervasive feeling like sex is somehow bad, and so it’s holier to not really care about orgasm.
When you do that, though, you’re rejecting a gift that God gave to you, as I explain at length in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex:
God made sex to be AWESOME!
Biologically, women’s pleasure isn’t necessary
The other issue is that we start to think that sex = men’s arousal, intercourse, men’s climax. She’s kind of extra, and if she’s going to experience pleasure, she should catch up to him. So we feel guilty if we ask for him to make us feel good.
But this should never be the case! Think about it this way:
God made it so that most women experience orgasm primarily through clitoral stimulation. That means that God deliberately made women’s bodies so that we would receive pleasure through something that does not give men direct pleasure–so that men would have to be giving!
It’s not selfish to want to feel good, and if orgasm in general has been a problem for you, I’ll share these posts again (though remember, there are lots of tips in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex and challenges in 31 Days to Great Sex):
Need more help? Try these!
Also, I promised to share this post which has a hilarious video in it by Amanda Gore to help husbands understand foreplay and how women need to be touched differently. You’ll love it!
Millennial Marriage: How can you really find community?
On an earlier podcast Rebecca and I were talking about what millennials really need from church–and that’s community. Then last week I ran a post on how to build a marriage support system, and so many of you commented on that and sent me messages, because that’s not what you have. Small groups don’t work for you.
So I thought Rebecca and I could continue this conversation a bit.
The big takeaway:
Community should be natural.
You can’t join a small group and “force” community or accountability (though many churches may try, and this borders on abusive, in my opinion. You should not be required to confess sins or temptations to groups of people you don’t know. Not all small groups are set up like this, of course, but I have heard of some like this at Sovereign Grace churches, for example).
You need to grow friendships organically. Some of that will come from small groups, but don’t be afraid to ask people over for lunch or dinner to get to know them better. And do volunteer! The best inter-generational friendships are often found when we volunteer together.
Reader Question: My husband waited years to take testosterone, and now he’s changed. But I’m bitter.
A reader writes in about her situation–she’s been married for about a decade and a half, and it was mostly a sexless marriage. She finally made her husband get his testosterone checked, but it was low. He did nothing about it until she gave him an ultimatum. Now he’s a changed man, but how does she get over years of neglect?
It’s a great question. And it totally drums in something that’s been the theme of the blog this week and of the podcast this week: If you’re having sexual problems, get help! So many are just medical, and there’s a quick fix. Why live like this if you don’t have to? It just causes layer upon layer of pain.
Beyond that, though, I’d say that, for her healing, he needs to hear and acknowledge the pain she’s caused.
But then there’s a point where you have to let it go. You finally have what you’ve been praying for for so long, and you’ll never build an intimate marriage if you’re still stuck in bitterness.
I’ve written a lot about the dynamics of forgiveness, and here are two posts that discuss it. In this case, I think the first is more relevant, but some of you may need the second as well:
Comment: How a Pelvic Floor Physiotherapist Can Help!
This week I ran two posts on how important a pelvic floor physiotherapist can be to help you with vaginismus and sexual pain, prolapse, incontinence, and more. You don’t have to suffer alone!
I had so many positive comments on that post reiterating how much a pelvic floor physiotherapist can help, so please, if you need help, get it!
I read some comments in the podcast that reiterated this. One was from an older woman who found tremendous help with her incontinence and bladder control.
If you’re in Canada, Pelvic Floor solutions is a great resource.
Another woman wrote that pelvic floor exercises that she learned from Mommastrong had really helped her (and her husband even noticed during sex! 🙂 ). So I promised to share that link.
That’s it for the podcast today!
Remember to rate the podcast 5 star on whatever platform you use, and leave a review to help other people see it!
Anything in particular strike you today in the podcast? Let’s talk about it!
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