4 Reasons You May Feel Sexually Frustrated–Even When You’re Having Sex

by | Sep 21, 2020 | Libido, Uncategorized | 25 comments

4 Reasons you Feel Sexually Frustrated in Your Marriage: Even if you're making love relatively frequently
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Do you feel really alone when your spouse rejects you sexually?

We’re talking about libido all month on the blog, and I opened by talking about how to find contentment even if you’re the higher drive spouse and not getting as much sex as you want--assuming you’re still having sex at least once a week. I also looked at questions high drive husbands and high drive wives could ask themselves if sex just wasn’t happening. 

Last week we looked at how often people do have sex, and what peer-reviewed surveys (as well as our own) tell us about the relationship between frequency and marital satisfaction.

(Hint: it’s not straightforward. Having sex a few times a week seems to lead to healthier marriages than having sex everyday; and the quality of your sex life and the quality of your emotional connection matters more towards marital satisfaction than frequency of sex). 

Today I want to address higher drive spouses who ARE having sex at least once a week who feel really rejected by their spouses.

Again, please understand: What I’m going to say does not apply if sex is very rare, okay? That really is a different scenario.

But on a podcast earlier this month,  one woman left this comment that I think many of my readers can relate to. Describing what it’s like to be the higher drive spouse, she says:

For us, it’s not about the physical. It’s about a deep emotional connection that I share with one person. The pain of being emotionally rejected is so very real. It’s hard because we are effectively told to “shut up and be content” simply because our meaningful connection includes something physical. No amount of talking will ever truly take the place of sex. In fact, talking and then ending the night without sex, is one of the hardest things to face. My husband gets his emotional needs met and considers it good, while I have to figure out how to walk away from my emotional needs because it includes sex. I have had to literally teach myself to shut down any sexual drive, and the emotional connection it brings, and walk away from it entirely. Sex is on his terms. I’ve never felt so distant from my husband, despite the hours of conversations we’ve had (we are both big talkers).

Can anyone relate to her pain? She feels emotional connection during sex (which many people do), and so without sex, it feels like an emotional rejection.

Now, I’m not sure if she’s going several days without sex or several weeks without sex, so I’m not really commenting on this particular woman. I just thought she expressed this better than I could.

But let’s assume that she’s having sex at least once a week, and so on the nights she doesn’t have sex she’s feeling rejected.

How do you handle those feelings of rejection?

What do you do when you feel rejected, but objectively you ARE connecting sexually a healthy amount. In that case, the question needs to be, “how can I get over these negative feelings and find joy in my marriage?” On the other hand, if sex is very infrequent, then the question is more, “How can we build intimacy and how can we have fruitful conversations about this so that our marriage is more intimate and passionate?” Very different!

So, again, I’m only talking to people today who ARE getting sex every week.

Another man said something like this a few months ago in the comments (I’m going by memory here because I can’t remember what post it was on):

I have a very high sex drive, and I don’t think women realize how uncomfortable it is to go without sex for very long. After 48 hours, I become very aware of my testicles. They become very tender. After 72 hours, they’re physically hurting. I want to love my wife and be nice to her regardless, but it’s hard not to be testy when everything hurts so much. So I do have difficulty being my nice cheery self when it’s a few days since we’ve had sex. 

So we have the emotional rejection from not having sex, and the physical discomfort from not having sex.

I read both of those stories, and I feel real sadness for these people. But I also think, “that is no way to live.” You shouldn’t have to feel that upset and uncomfortable on a daily basis, and have this impact you so much, when you’re actually having sex an average, healthy amount.

Now, I’m not addressing these commenters specifically, because I don’t know how long the woman is going between sexual encounters. But I have heard enough comments and emails from spouses who are having sex once or twice a week who are still in torment about it. And I don’t think that’s sustainable or healthy.

So I want to say a few things today. Like Rebecca and I talked about on the podcast last week, frequency is often not actually the issue. And so I wanted to make a separate post about this because I thought it was important enough that I wanted it written down to have somewhere to point people.

1. Does sex, when you have it, leave you hanging?

We shared an email in our libido podcast last week from a woman who wanted sex 4-5 times a week, while her husband only wanted it once a week. He was really satisfied, but she was angry, dejected, even wished she’d never got married because of the frustration.

What she was describing was very extreme. But when we looked closer at her letter, one line really stood out:

“I don’t know if he is worried that he isn’t good in bed, because I rarely orgasm, unless I’m the one touching myself during sex? “

So they’re having sex once a week, but she rarely orgasms, and when she does, it’s because she is touching herself during sex (many women do this; if it works for you, that’s fine!).

The issue here, then, may not actually be libido differences as much as it is that she isn’t getting sexual satisfaction while he is. She has a high libido, but she’s often left hanging–or, if she does have an orgasm, it’s not a mutual thing where he’s taking care of her pleasure. She still has to do it herself.

Would she still be this frustrated if they had sex 1-2 times a week, but during those times he took care to bring her to orgasm himself? She’s obviously able to reach orgasm, but what they’re doing isn’t working for her. I think this may be less a libido difference and more a problem of being constantly sexually aroused but not given release, or, when you get release, it’s hollow because it feels as if he’s not participating in it.

(Again, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with touching yourself during sex to bring you over the edge, but if it’s because he isn’t willing to do anything else, or doesn’t suggest that he try something, that could be a problem).

Feeling constantly left hanging in bed can create a desperation in someone that wouldn’t otherwise be there, and could make libido differences worse.

2. Do you feel like you’re not desired or wanted?

Now something from the guy’s point of view. So many men have written in the comments that sex feels empty to them if it’s obviously just “duty” sex and she’s not into it. If she’s just going through the motions out of guilt or obligation, and doesn’t really want to, then he feels rejected and even like she thinks he’s pathetic for needing this, even if he’s reaching orgasm.

Now, sometimes she may be going through the motions because sex has never felt good for her, and he hasn’t done enough to help her figure out how to make it feel good. If that’s you, please pick up 31 Days to Great Sex, and make sure you’re signed up for our emails so that you’ll be notified when our Orgasm Course launches next month!

Other times, he’d love to bring her to orgasm, and he’d love to spend time making her feel good, but she is obviously not into it and just wants it over with.

Now, again, I think it’s important for a man to ask himself these questions if his wife doesn’t like sex. But sometimes you can do everything right and she just doesn’t like it.

In that case, he’s going to feel more and more desperate. He wants to feel wanted, but having sex with his wife who treats it like a duty actually solidifies the idea that he isn’t wanted. So then he becomes even more desperate to feel wanted, and his libido will look like it’s skyrocketing. It will seem like he needs sex so much. But what many couples in this situation have found is that, if she is able to start wanting and enjoying sex (however that comes to be), his libido often goes down to a manageable level, because the problem was not his libido. The problem was his insecurity and feeling rejected.

If you’re a man in this situation, you may appreciate this post on the negative cycle that we can get into with libido. Talk this over with your wife.

3. Is sex your methadone?

Every Man’s Battle tells men that women can be their “methadone when you feel your temperature rising.” It says that when you are tempted to lust or watch porn, you’re supposed to turn towards your wife to help you withstand that. When you quit lusting, you’ll be turning to your wife more often.

This newfound hunger will shock her. She has been accustomed to providing you five bowls a week, primarily through physical foreplay and sexual intercourse. Things were at equilibrium. Suddenly you need an extra five bowls from her. For no apparent reason, you come calling for intercourse twice as often…”Again, this is vaguely pleasant to her.” (p. 135)

Every Man's Battle

I don’t have enough words to describe how awful this way of looking at sex is.

I really, really don’t have enough words, because when we originally wrote the lust chapter for our new book The Great Sex Rescue (coming March 2021 with Baker Books), it was 9000 words. We had to cut it to 5000. So I seriously don’t have enough words.

But this is so wrong. You don’t defeat lust by transferring lust to your wife. You defeat lust by seeing sex in its proper context, and by seeing women as human beings.

If you think that every time you are tempted to lust or watch porn that you have to have sex, then you will be in a state of constant desperation for sex when you are battling lust.

If this is your story, know that no matter how often your wife (or husband) has sex with you, they can’t fix the issue. It’s a heart one. Please see a licensed counselor, join a support group, and learn the roots to lust and how it has taken root in you. When you start seeing sex in a healthy, intimate way, likely your libido won’t feel so desperate to you anymore.

4. Do you find it easier to feel sexual hunger than dangerous emotions?

Finally, here’s a big one that we talked about in last week’s podcast, too. Sometimes we grow up and we’re inadvertently taught that certain emotions are bad. Men, especially, hear that they’re not supposed to feel insecure, or scared, or rejected, or hurt, or embarrassed. They’re not supposed to be scared, or intimated, or discouraged.

So when they feel negative emotions, those emotions don’t have a safe outlet. And what our brains often do with that emotional energy, if it’s not allowed out, is to transfer it into something “safe”–sexual energy.

Sex makes people feel alive, secure, strong, and confident, and so if they feel anything negative, they want to have sex to convince themselves that those emotions aren’t real or necessary. This isn’t usually done on a conscious level, either. But many people are far more comfortable with sexual needs than they are with emotions.

If this is  your story, then not having sex everyday, or even every other day, can leave you feeling lost and desperate, because you have these very strong sexual feelings that have nowhere to go. But if you were able to work on the  underlying emotional issues, then the sexual desperation and frustration–even the physical frustration–may lessen in return.

It’s okay to be disappointed when you don’t have sex as often as you would like.

It’s even okay to be sexually frustrated.

But if you are getting sex a healthy amount, and you are still feeling sexually desperate (either emotionally or physically), and it’s impacting your ability to feel close to your spouse, then ask yourself if any of these four issues is at play.

  • Are you regularly reaching orgasm?
  • Do you feel like sex is a mutually desired experience when it happens?
  • Do you treat your spouse as an outlet for lu
  • Do you feel comfortable with your emotions?

I don’t want people to go through the kind of stress that so many of my commenters express. So if any of these questions resonates, please do something about it.

You may always have to live as the higher drive spouse, and have to navigate libido differences, and that’s okay. But it shouldn’t make you feel unloved. It shouldn’t make you feel desperate or angry or in pain. If it does, then that’s a sign that there may be some more work to be done.

Do any of these resonate with you? Is there one you would add? Let’s talk in the comments!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of Bare Marriage

Sheila is determined to help Christians find biblical, healthy, evidence-based help for their marriages. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8

Related Posts

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Author at Bare Marriage

Sheila is determined to help Christians find biblical, healthy, evidence-based help for their marriages. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8

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25 Comments

  1. Chris

    “Testy”. Bad pun Sheila! 😂

    Reply
  2. Doug Hoyle

    That is really a great list. I wasn’t sure what to expect when I read the title, but I have to say that at one time or another every one of those have likely played at least some role in the frustration I felt, thru the various seasons of our marriage.
    I think there is often something else in play in some marriages, and I guess it goes back to love languages. Without awareness that things might be different for our spouses than they are for ourselves, we know what our desire for our spouses looks like, and how it manifests itself. When that isn’t mirrored in their behavior, it is very easy to tell ourselves that we are being rejected, when in fact it isn’t true. When you are aware, you can look for all the ways that your spouse is loving you. Often they can seem pretty mundane if you aren’t looking for them, certainly not as bold a gesture as sex, so they might get lost in the background noise of daily life. They can be especially easy to overlook if you are already feeling frustrated and rejected.

    Reply
    • K

      Good point Doug. And communication would help with that.

      Reply
  3. AnnaMichelle

    How do I send you an email, Sheila?

    Reply
  4. Doug

    One thing occurred to me after I read all of this. Not sure how to say it without some risk that I am going to receive some pushback, so I guess I will just toss it out and see what happens.
    This list is aimed at the higher drive spouse, and it would probably be helpful to fo someone in that position to read it and see how it might apply. I know that for me, there were times I might be receptive and see the truth in it, and there were other times if it was carved into a board that hit me across the forehead, I still wouldn’t have seen it. I can see it now, because I have had some counseling, and because I am pretty self aware as to where my feelings and responses might be rooted.
    In any case, my remarks are for the lower drive spouses who read this and are tempted to use it to “prove” that it isn’t you, but rather your high drive spouse that is at fault. You could say that, and you might even be right. On the other hand, you just might be able to step into the breech, so to say, and really help your spouse overcome some of these thought processes. I find it especially interesting that in her post on the negative cycle, Sheila talks about the benefit of the higher drive spouse backing off and giving the lower drive spouse some breathing room. I absolutely concur that can sometimes work. What wasn’t mentioned tho, is that both spouses are somewhat desperate in that cycle, and either can be the one to change the dynamic. I lower drive spouse can just as easily step up their game, and the higher drive spouse will likely feel less rejected, less desperate. Just something to think about. The real best answer is probably somewhere in the middle, but it is unlikely to be reached without both partners actively seeking it together.
    Lastly, I would just say that if my wife struggled in any of these areas, as her husband, I would hope that I would be willing to do whatever I could to help reduce or eliminate whatever anxiety or insecurity was behind it. If my wife said she felt rejected, I would do whatever I could to help her feel loved and cherished. I can’t imaging a good willed spouse doing otherwise.

    Reply
    • K

      I guess as Paul from the generous husband (and others) have said, the more mature spouse makes the first move in the right direction . It doesn’t matter who is at fault, if you recognize there is a problem you can work on your part to make it better.

      Reply
  5. Anon

    I feel like I was very high drive… Until I started having sex hahaha. I was super excited about it, read all the books, got married and then immediately realized intercourse is all for my husband. I know I know, try different angles! Get super close before intercourse! It still doesn’t change the fact that my orgasms are always going to be from clitoral stimulation and won’t automatically happen without a lot of mental and physical effort. I just wish when the dang penis slid in it felt like something like in literally every sex scene ever haha. But sex just leaves me feeling like a loser every time. When we were dating and engaged kissing was so fun! We needed each other, it was easy, we both got turned on, we both “won.” I assumed “being allowed” to do everything after marriage would be amazing! But sex feels like he wins and I show up. He gets to be visually turned on, turned on by doing things to me, turned on when I stimulate him and by being near/in my body. Meanwhile nothing feels easy or worth it about sex to me when we have to slow down and stop to stimulate my clitoris. It doesn’t feel natural, it’s like my pleasure is off to the side and not actually necessary or part of it. People act like if you’re a woman who orgasms you should just be thrilled it even happens! I mean, I’m glad it does but it’s kind of soul crushing to be so excited for something and hear all this hype then do it and realize it’s nothing like you’d hoped. We’ve been married over 15 years and every time I just think, how is he not over this yet? Lol. If we never did it again I truly don’t think I’d care. I wish it felt bonding and emotional like everyone talks about but it never has.

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      I get it anon. I think you’ve expressed something a lot of women feel. I may put this up as its own post and see if others can comment and help out, because I think it’s very common and real.

      Reply
      • Sabrina

        I would love it if you did put this up as its own post! Sometimes I feel the exact same way. Now, if that isn’t sad enough, whats really sad is that it seems like my efforts will never be enough. If I am not getting into sex but still do everything in my power to love and please my hubby sexually, its STILL NOT ENOUGH because I was not into it 100%. It seems like it can’t be enough unless I am loving it as much as he does. I do understand why, BUT……. What to do????

        Reply
    • Martha

      I wish I could give you some universal advice but there are so many factors involved.
      1. You wrote how your husband takes pleasure in every aspect of sex but you don’t. I feel exactly like him. The scope of sexuality is so multidimensional, you can enjoy any kind of kissing, caressing, touching, any type of act, every detail of it. It is always somewhat different. You are surprised that your husband still wants it but you could do without. There are two self-propelling circles at play. One circle is physical and emotional level. They should be combined really closely. They strengthen and intensify one another. They make the experience feel total. There is also the spiritual level, which is in fact the feeling that what you are doing is good and beautiful and you are thankful to God for it. Of course reaching those levels requires time, intimacy and communication with the spouse.
      2. The other circle is mutual pleasure. It’s never one-sided. Your spouse’s enjoyments gets you high and the other way round. It’s like a spiral movement. 3.I think that sexuality in a broad sense of the word is partly natural partly learned to be satisfying. There must be this basic interest in it (seems like you had it before getting married), this biological attraction to your partner (it cannot be faked) and then this willingness to build on and develop it and prioritize it.
      3. And then comes female and male dynamics. As Sheila rightly said this idea that it takes so little time and so on is such a load of crap. The man must put his time, effort and involvement and eagerness to sexually open a woman. For me the man needs to be dominant and leading but selfless and giving. It’s a perfect match. Now, the woman’s work is to get rid of any mental blocks and be responsive and yeah open physically and emotionally. Then you get all this different kinds of orgasms on a body level, bonding on relationship level and life energy on spiritual level.
      Sorry for a long post😏

      Reply
  6. AspenP

    Christian Sex Ed question:
    Do all men feel pain or uncomfortable when they haven’t ejaculated in awhile? I have always heard about “blue balls” and guys having wet dreams if they haven’t ejaculated in awhile….and then I got married. It doesn’t seem to bother my hubby at ALL and he’s just not interested. I’ve directly asked him about it and he said wet dreams are only for teenagers. He’s in his mid-thirties. He can go weeks or months without sex & no big deal with no real desire. I don’t get it. What happened to the 72 hour thing or they would explode? Is that only the case for some men? Is it like breastfeeding where your supply drops/regulates?
    I don’t even know how to find that answer without an awkward survey.

    Reply
    • Doug

      I can’t answer for everyone, but in my case it seems to be tied to anticipation/expectation.
      It is certainly a thing, but I think it really is less about time than it is about how my body responds to what my mind is telling it. If it has received the “get ready” signal from my brain, however that works, there is definitely a physiological response, but without that signal, I don’t think anything happens.
      I actually noticed BB occurring very early in the time when our sex life became much more active, after a very, very long dry spell. Maybe it was all in my head, but things did seem to get uncomfortable down there. On the other hand, with our newly re-discovered sex life, I was walking around like a pubescent schoolboy much of the time, and sex was always on my mind. Prior to that, it was about as likely as being struck by lightning, and I had long since lost any sort of anticipation/expectation, so BB just wasn’t a thing.
      Again, that is only my experience. Others might have different experiences

      Reply
      • AspenP

        That’s really helpful Doug. Thanks!

        Reply
        • Tory

          @Aspen, I’ve asked my husband about the 72 hour thing and he looked at me like I had two heads. He said he couldn’t relate at all. He also said he could go for a long time without sex if he was busy or tired, and never got uncomfortable. Maybe our husbands are just sexual camels 😂 seriously though, this is an example of why advice stating “all men are like this” and “all women are like that” is so unhelpful.

          Reply
  7. Tory

    I fall into this category but I’m not sure if it’s for any of the reasons that Sheila listed. If anyone is still reading this thread, I would welcome any insights or advice 🙂 basically, we have sex several times a week; it’s always very good; I climax every time. All good, no complaints. So what’s the issue? I’m almost always the one initiating. If I back off (and I do), sex doesn’t occur to my husband. We have had several arguments about this topic, resulting in him stepping it up and initiating occasionally. But this is literally how he does it: (looks at watch) “honey it’s almost 10 pm and I’m pretty tired, we haven’t had sex in a few days, so if you want to, we can, but it has to be right now because I’m getting ready to go to sleep soon.” So to me it feels like it comes from a sense of duty on his part, more than desire. It really hurts my feelings and makes me feel unwanted, not desired, not pursued. We are both in our 30s and he has always been lower drive like this. I think it’s harder being the woman in this scenario because the expectation for women is that their husband wants sex with them and will initiate it and pursue them. If he doesn’t, must be something wrong with the woman, like she let herself go or is boring in bed — and I keep myself in great shape, wear lingerie, and am a good lover 🙁 as a recent example, I initiated sex a few times last week, and he responded, and things were great.
    Then I backed off for a few days to let him “catch up.” Well, he ended up doing all sorts of projects around the house, where he was too busy during the days, and then too tired at night. It was like he forgot about sex for like five days straight. Meanwhile, I was getting more anxious and frustrated with each passing day, hoping he would initiate, really didn’t want to initiate myself since I felt like the ball was in his court. Finally brought it up to him after a few days, and my hurt feelings spilled out, I said “I feel like sex isn’t even on your radar unless I initiate it!” That caused him to pull away even more, now he really wasn’t going to pursue me. I finally initiated last night because I couldn’t take it any more, and fortunately he responded and we had a great time 🙂 but this morning I just feel so undesired. I wish I didn’t care, but I do. Sorry for the long post! Any thoughts would be appreciated!

    Reply
    • Sheila Wray Gregoire

      Tory, I think you’ve expressed what many high drive spouses feel, and i think this is often is even more acute for high drive wives because we hear our whole lives that our husbands should be pursuing us and wanting us, and so when it doesn’t happen, it’s a double whammy.
      All I can say is that it does seem as if your husband loves you, and he does enjoy sex when he has it. He just may not feel the same felt need for it that you do. But it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t want intimacy or want to be with you. So keep focusing on the ways that he does communicate that, and try to communicate it to him in the ways that are important to him, too. Be his friend as well. And then ask something like, “A few times a year at least, I need to be swept off my feet. Like a whole seduction planned. If you can’t do it every week or all the time, I get it. But a few times a year, I need a big effort. Please.” And then ask what he needs as well.
      I’d see it differently if you were never connecting, but you are. It’s just a difference in how you each feel desired and loved. All I can say is tell him what’s important to you; give him really direct ideas of what it would look like to you. But then also, try to keep seeing the good in what he does and who he is so that you don’t let this disappointment taint your whole marriage, because that’s really hard.

      Reply
      • Tory

        Thanks for responding, Sheila 🙂 I like your suggestions.

        Reply
      • E

        It’s totally hard. I feel the same way Tory. What makes it worse is that my husband doesn’t seem to like me initiating so sometimes it doesn’t happen for weeks. I know he likes me and all that and is probably literally the most selfless and kind husband in the world, but I too feel like he goes through his day not thinking of me that way. And that hurts. The last 3 times I’ve initiated he has fallen asleep and started snoring. I am devastated. And he woke up and heard me crying and now I feel miserable because he is miserable about it too. And I’ve told him I know he gets tired, but can he at least say I’m really tired even though I want to and plan another day. But he doesn’t say anything. Also he stays up later and later and isn’t good about helping us get to bed at a decent time. And I stay up late with him because I want to give him that connection. Then he snores and I stay up crying and feel like crap with no sleep and no affection.
        I did ask him if we can start doing something spiritual together and he agreed that would be good. We just have a lot of emotional connection outside the bedroom so hopefully I won’t get Bitter about that too. I don’t want to replace sex.

        Reply
        • Pathetic

          I used to be higher drive. I wanted it all the time. About 8 years ago I realized I wasnt orgasming. So I tried everything,more sex,fake it till you make it,angle different,socks on,feeling sexy with lingerie,communicating my need to try and figure this out, 31 days till great sex,love dares….. if he wants sex,he gets naked and then fumbles through what he calls “forplay” gets more and more excited so hes jabbing me with his penis the whole time I am trying to focus on what I like . Eighteen years married,you would think we had it figured out. I am at a loss for what to do. I dont initiate ever anymore,then he gets moody when it’s been awhile…..

          Reply
          • Sheila Wray Gregoire

            Oh, Pathetic, I’m so sorry. It sounds like what you need is for HIM to take more time to make you feel good. You can only do so much. You can get yourself in a good frame of mind, but ultimately HE has to take that time to make you feel good. I think having a conversation about that is warranted, and is totally okay. “I want to have a passionate sex life with you. I want to enjoy making love. But I’m no longer willing to have sex when it’s about your orgasm and not mine. We need to work on how to make me feel good, too, because this is supposed to be something for both of us. Can we try that, because I want to feel close to you and enjoy each other.”

    • Joanna

      Tory…. You described my relationship almost to the T. Hugs. It is so frustrating and hurtful 😭😭

      Reply
  8. K

    Your point #4 is really resonating with me right now given that we are a year into the pandemic, and I just have been feeling it. I have had an insanely high sex drive and also unexpected feelings of lust, and I think it’s this negative difficult emotions looking for a familiar outlet

    Reply
    • Ally

      I read this article after reading one for the higher-drive wives. Even in the article addressing my problem specifically makes references to the “social norm and expectation” that men have the higher libidos.
      As the wife with the higher drive, it adds insult to injury to be reminded of this everywhere you turn for help. In an article expecting to find comfort, no less.

      Reply
  9. Frustrated

    Higher drive wife here. I get that Sheila talks about society painting all men with a wide brush of being obsessed with sex and having a higher drive, but it’s not society that makes me think that, it’s my past experiences with guys and those of others I know… When I’ve asked my friends if there spouses struggle with a lower drive as they age or after they’ve gotten a vasectomy, they look at me like I’m crazy. All but one have said the same thing, “No, he wants it all the time.”
    And here I am, wishing my husband wanted it as much as me. He’s a great guy, loves the Lord, and works hard and I know he’s tired in the evenings….but I can’t help feeling rejected and unfulfilled. My husband is four years older than me and he claims his lack of desire is his getting older. As I get older, I only seem to want it more.
    He tells me I can initiate, but why do that when I know he really doesn’t want it? Then I just feel like I’m using him for release and it’s awful. I do try to curb my thoughts and desires and even tamp it down, but it’s so hard not to express my feelings to him without showing frustration. He tells me to tell him when I want it because it’s his job to be there for me, but I want to be pursued! I want him to be the one to want me all the time like other men do their wives.

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